The night the water came
was like any other--
warm, stale, dark.
A dangerous night swim;
an unexpected consequence.
The waves rose like ashes
from a roaring fire--
flames far from here.
Mere seconds passed
until my senses were left
in shambles on the beach--
eyes wet, feeling nothing.
Only tasting the salt;
my lips parting,
attempting to breathe;
to live.
Ocean rushed in,
filling from the inside--
a drowning, a past, a present.
Daylight broke the horizon
before another gasp.
I put my matches down
and spit water on the dying flames--
a parting gift.
"Until Tomorrow."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Via poetry! *nom*
The night the water came
was like any other--
warm, stale, dark.
A dangerous night swim;
an unexpected consequence.
The waves rose like ashes
from a roaring fire--
flames far from here.
Mere seconds passed
until my sense were left
in shambles on the beach--
eyes wet, feeling nothing.
Only tasting the salt;
my lips parting,
attempting to breathe;
to live.
Ocean rushed in,
filling from the inside--
a drowning, a past, a present.
Daylight broke the horizon
before another gasp.
I put my matches down
and spit water on the dying flames--
a parting gift.
"Until Tomorrow."
This was pretty good.
Some colorful use of words, good imagery at times.
Usually my reviews are quite detailed but that's only when I have some very serious opinions to state. here, i didn't really.
It was an OK piece.
Nothing too bad and nothing too amazing.
I liked it but I guess I couldn't really connect to it.
I hate to guess why an author wrote a piece and I certainly won't do that here but I have a strong idea judging from your words.
Your ryhthm sceme was a bit plain here and it seemed like I could really "get" what each line was going to sound like next and that may have made my bore and stray from the story here a little bit however I think you patched that up with the gracefulness of your words.
Also, I was wondering if you could tell me what this means "Ἀθηνᾶ" I am trying to learn greek and wondering if it was Greek?
Just tell me in a PM or something.
Thank you for the time and the lovely words.
If you have any further questions/comments to my opinions and remarks please feel free to let me know.
I'm here to help
-- T a m a r a former T e n n i s p r i n c e s s