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E - Everyone

sinking

by Via


The water laps around my cheeks.

It's threateningly calm, warm.

Like a summer storm,

massive and unpredictable--

erupting like it may envelope the earth.

But beautiful and breathtaking,

leaving you unsure whether to hide

or let it take you.

Ripples appear as the tiny waves

reach my nose, the corners of my lips,

until all that's visible is my hair

flowing wildly in the current.

What's it like underneath?

Dark, calm, quiet, cool?

Stress free?

Free?

I sink lower below the surface.

The last strands of my curls

dip below the line.

It gets cold quickly,

but I don't mind the chill on my toes--

reminding me they are there.

How long before anyone notices?

It will surely be too late.

For them,

not for me--

Free.


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8 Reviews


Points: 14
Reviews: 8

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Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:31 am
oceans wrote a review...



Hi Via!

I really like your poem, the imagery is beautiful. I have always been obsessed with the ocean and what goes beyond it, what lies underneath it. Isn't it crazy that there are thousands of miles of deep sea that we have not discovered yet? And that we probably won't ever know the creatures that dwell there?

The ocean provides a sense of relief for me, the ocean air, the crashing waves, they all have some way of soothing my soul. I can really relate to the sense of freedom that is written about.

Your poem is lovely and dark. Good job.

Keep writing!

<3




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482 Reviews


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Reviews: 482

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Thu Jul 30, 2020 8:05 pm
Meshugenah wrote a review...



YOU. <3

It's been ages since I've read anything of yours, and now I can't remember if you've always been this good at being unsettling or if I've forgotten.

Just a couple things to poke at:

The lines after "what's it like underneath" - I'm not sure you need the question marks for each line. Actually, I'm not sure you necessarily need any of the question marks, other than the one after "free." It's more aesthetic than anything, but it would go along with this almost floaty (oy, that's a pun, I know!) feeling that I get from the rest of this, and the lack of overt questioning may work a bit better. It also creates a nice parallel in my mind between the part and the last few lines - the duality of questioning vs finality hinging on the same one word line with vastly different connotations.

Anyway! ilu, and I miss your face.




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15 Reviews


Points: 1275
Reviews: 15

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Thu Jul 30, 2020 2:05 am
VioletFantasy wrote a review...



Hey Via!
I’d like to review this very relatable poem you wrote. Your choice of words throughout the poem gave it a relaxed and peaceful tone. I felt myself wishing to be in the ocean! I could really use some stress free time. My favorite line is:
“Ripples appear as the tiny waves

reach my nose, the corners of my lips,

until all that's visible is my hair

flowing wildly in the current.”

The imagery in this line is unlike anything I’ve read before! I can picture the moment perfectly in my head, and it is beautiful.
The poem starts to get a little darker in the last few stanzas, but in a good way. It really shows the person’s desperation. The feeling of freedom overtakes them.
I don’t have any large critiques due to this poem’s perfectness, but I would like to mention the same thing that shayspeare did. Maybe try replacing the comma between calm and warm with “and”? Other than that, I give you nothing but praise. Good job!!
VioletFantasy




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34 Reviews


Points: 611
Reviews: 34

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Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:26 pm
shayspeare wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Shay. I will review your poem. It's very beautiful. I love how you use the word "laps" in the first line. It's very technical. Good job.

The pause between calm and warm seems a bit weird. When it comes to punctuation, I believe that it should be correct if you're going to use it in poetry. So just keep that in mind when you decide who the speaker is.

Also, I love the decision for a rhyme in the last two lines.

That's all I have to say.

I look forward to reviewing more of your works in the future.

- Shay





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