This Instant
Life changes in an instant,
an ordinary instant.
You'll be eating dinner
and then suddenly your life is bent.
In the midst of life
we are in death.
And when tragedy strikes
you may loose your own breath.
So you hit the books,
for information is control.
And it gives you what you think
Is a handle on life as a whole.
But the past makes its way
back into your head,
"The Broken Man"
was what she said.
When she was three
and he was still 'daddy'.
When she was young
and so was he.
Can't get that image
out of your head.
"She'll leave the table"
the naive doctor said.
Life changes in an instant;
that's what they say.
I still love you more
than one more day.
Based off/inspired by off the book The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
I loved this! I can't point out anything wrong, I loved it. full stop.
There we go, I have nothing else to say!
Meevs
xxx
Whence, thank you for the crit! Mmm I agree with the first stanza not being the best...I had a hard time coming up with an opening that would shout because the book is very, very melodramatic. I also agree that the hyphon shouldn't be there and will take it out.
Now that you say it, I have heard the first two lines in the second stanza before, which is probably why I liked it so much? Haha. I will consider the quotes. However, breath is not italicized in the last line of that??
I actually thought the last line in the third stanza was missing a syllable and needed a comma.
Last line, fourth stanza is most definitely missing one syllable at least, I agree.
I had a problem with the last two lines in the fifth stanza as well, any suggestions?
The last stanza cannot be touched. One of the main theme's of the book focused around the saying "I love you more than one more day" so I left that alone.
Thanks!
As I was reading this, I kept making mental notes on what to say in a crit. Well, my mind is rather cluttered as it is, so I went with an old fashioned red-penning instead
I like the fact that you used ordinary. And bent was a nice description to use. However, this stanza isn;t the strongest of openings (though it does introduce the idea well) and the '--' seems unnecesary.
The italicizing of breath didn't seem to...fit.
The last line seemed to have an extra syllable.
last 2 lines seemed a syllable short... But this depends on how it's read.
awkward stanza :O
Perhaps add a syllable or two to this last line. I think it'll make it seem more conclusive if that makes sense to anyone but me :p
[/quote]
There ye go.
Carry on, as will I
~Ed
It was good, and it was thought provoking. It was very good.
And ironically, it hit close to home. And it seemed so real. I appreciate you writing this. I am hoping to heat more. Keep up the good work.
-- M.B.Author
Haha no, I wrote it. But it is based off the book, or 'inspired' rather, I suppose. Thank you.
Good poem!
Did you write this or did you take it from somewhere? Because at the bottom it say taken from a book title (I forgot the name!) Well anyway good job!
