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18+ Language

Fairystruck [1]

by Vervain

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

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141 Reviews

Points: 37042
Reviews: 141

Thu Apr 12, 2018 8:02 am
Hattable wrote a review...

Hey, Raye!

Looks like I'm finally reviewing something of yours for once. *finger guns* And ohhh, heck. Detectives? Plus magic? Bro, that's my most recent jam! I finished a book called Hammers on Bone by Cassandra Khaw recently. It's about a P.I., but he's also actually some ancient Lovecraftian monster who hunts other monsters? And he uses all that classic, uhhh, noir P.I. slang? It's great and I love it and I've got the sequel on my shelf, waiting to be read.
There's another series, a trilogy so far that I only own two books of, by Ari Marmell? It's maybe more noir, but ya, detective and magic and urban fantasy. I've yet to read those, but they sound great. So yeah, this is my jam. Love the mash-up. I dunno how I didn't expect it here when the story is called Fairystruck and it starts out with a P.I., but ya.

I'll try to touch on some grammar things, as I usually do, then get to actual content, but I'm writing this as I read and I'm already almost halfway through and there's no grammar to hit on, so don't expect this to be too long of a review--

He sneezed in the crook of his elbow.

“Into” his elbow would be more proper, right? It sounds better, anyway.

He didn't hear the telltale tinkle of fairy bells.

I had to pause here because “tinkle” is only defined in my head as urinating. Whoops. Not a note on your writing, though, lel, just a thing I thought I'd mention.
Also, the list of magical creatures and whatnot right after this is some hype to see how they're portrayed in this contemporary, urban setting. Like I said before, detectives + magic is my jam recently.

He'd already ruled out gnome involvement in the Henderson case, but his investigations into the others had proved inconclusive.

Is “others” referring to the other four investigations he'd been hired for in the previous year? It took me a bit to come to that conclusion, but I'm not sure if that's just me or if it's actually confusing due to the disconnect between this and the mention of them before.

Malcolm Bethany, by the way, is a pretty cool name. Just thought I'd toss that out here real quick.

"Detective Malcolm Bethany?"
Mal didn't generally take calls while he was working. But the library was non-smoking, so he had fled outside for five minutes to treat his nicotine craving, and who was he to deny anyone looking for him? He'd picked up his cell phone before he saw who it was, anticipating Bell or Kinsey to be looking for him this time of day.

Oh, this was kind of confusing. I thought that someone had approached him in person. It's probably me, though. I'm doing this at very-near 1 AM and that probably isn't the best but I think I'd have that problem at any time. My brain isn't too sharp. *finger guns*
If you look this over yourself and decide it's a bit choppy, though, I wouldn't be adverse to rearranging it a bit.
Just suggestions, though!

Anything had to be better than working out of the top level of a Chinese restaurant.

I don't know why, but I like this “aesthetic”? It adds to the world a bit, of course, but it's also an interesting little detail. I dunno.

As he got closer, he realized they weren’t dead—just sleeping. In a very awkward position, leaned up against the door of a boarded-up drugstore.

This could maybe be one sentence, but it also rolls pretty well as it is. It's up to you.

Fairystruck asshole motherfucker. I’m try’na fucking help you.”

This one's got a mOUTH. I also noticed that you don't flow into dialogue tags a lot. Or don't exactly have dialogue tags, so much as actions attached to the dialogue? I'm used to dialogue going like “Yeah yeah blah blah,” he approached the scene of the crime. “So anyway.”
But that's of course not the Set™ way of doing things, or whatever. I think your dialogue and “tags” work fine here, but I just thought I'd point it out.

“Not before the police. How’s it tied into the Henderson case?”

Oh, I thought the body was the Henderson girl. Oops. That doesn't make sense, looking back on it.

It wasn’t a lie—if she had really Seen the body on the pier, that made her incredibly useful to the case.

Why is “seen” capitalized? Typo, or stylistic choice? If it's stylistic, then I'm not really a fan? But I'm guessing it's probably a typo.

And, end.

This was fun. It served as a nice intro to the story and the world, and had a decent ending for this portion. I'm looking forward to the next part, and you're doing pretty well on building your character already. The hippie lady at the end has quite the mouth on her, and if she swore any more than she did, then I might have to reprimand you for tasteless dialogue, but it turned out fine, lel.

I'm hoping for some more worldbuilding, but that's more naturally done throughout. Great job on no info-dumps!

There were, as you saw throughout my notes, some things that caused confusion. A few inconsistently-explained bits here and there (the body, for example), though to be honest that's probably mostly me? Being bad at reading? And comprehending? But I dunno what other reviews have said.

Anyway, like I said at the beginning. Love the detective and magic stuff. Looking forward to how you expand on it and give it your own twists!

I hope this review was helpful. Sorry it got ramble-y at some points! Keep up the good work!

- Hatt

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351 Reviews

Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:50 pm
Kanome wrote a review...

Hello, Lareine. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

I love Mal. He is determined to solve the case, and I love the part where he sneezed and the girl was like ‘what the heck, man.’ I am assuming because you mentioned that he sneezed and he got some magic dust in her hair. That part was hilarious. Anyways, I can’t really much say about the girl yet. She is sassy though, I like it. I kind of want to know more about her.

The pacing of the story is good so far. It’s not rushed, and I don’t know. Is there such a thing as the story is too slow-paced? I guess dragging on? Anyways, it’s not slow-paced either. As for the setting, you described some scenes well, but I don’t know but the setting overall in the story seemed vague? It could be just me.

Overall, I enjoyed the story so far. I love the characters, especially the girl. Her sass made me crack up. As for your setting, I don’t know why but it seemed vague, maybe be more descriptive? I can’t wait to read part 2 of this story, it is very interesting to read.
Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!

- Kanome

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17 Reviews

Points: 1224
Reviews: 17

Tue Apr 03, 2018 5:32 pm
scarlettvee wrote a review...

Woohoo. This is my very first review on this website so congrats being my first one. Haha. Anyway, as for your story, I really liked this chapter and I am very intrigued so far. This chapter did seem kind of rushed however, and if you can, I would recommend maybe slowing it down a little and adding in more descriptions, especially character descriptions for Mal and things that he can do to give us an idea of the type of person he is. I do really like where you started with him however, and I like the mystery of the Henderson's case and this entire fairy thing and the human magic (humans have magic O_O). It is very interesting and I was actually leaning closer to the computer screen while I read the few paragraphs that first introduced the magic.

As for spelling/grammar, I didn't find much but there were a few things. First of all, in your first couple of sentences, you wrote "There was always a throng of reporters pressed up against the caution tape. No matter where, no matter when." I feel like the second sentence "No matter where, no matter when" is kinda awkward. It's not a complete sentence. Instead, I would either use an em dash here or a semi colon to make the two sentences one. Or you could just make the second sentence into a complete sentence and say something like "When and where didn't matter, they always hovered near a crime scene, waiting for their chance to swoop in and feed on the misery of some poor victim." Or something like that, I don't know. Secondly, near the end of the chapter, you wrote "if she had really Seen the body on the pier..." and you just have to make the "s" lowercase is all.

Anyway, that's all I have. Good job on this chapter and thanks for being my very first review!

Carpe Diem
— Catullus