Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Hey, Raye!Looks like I'm finally reviewing something of yours for once. *finger guns* And ohhh, heck. Detectives? Plus magic? Bro, that's my most recent jam! I finished a book called Hammers on Bone by Cassandra Khaw recently. It's about a P.I., but he's also actually some ancient Lovecraftian monster who hunts other monsters? And he uses all that classic, uhhh, noir P.I. slang? It's great and I love it and I've got the sequel on my shelf, waiting to be read.There's another series, a trilogy so far that I only own two books of, by Ari Marmell? It's maybe more noir, but ya, detective and magic and urban fantasy. I've yet to read those, but they sound great. So yeah, this is my jam. Love the mash-up. I dunno how I didn't expect it here when the story is called Fairystruck and it starts out with a P.I., but ya.I'll try to touch on some grammar things, as I usually do, then get to actual content, but I'm writing this as I read and I'm already almost halfway through and there's no grammar to hit on, so don't expect this to be too long of a review--
He sneezed in the crook of his elbow.
He didn't hear the telltale tinkle of fairy bells.
He'd already ruled out gnome involvement in the Henderson case, but his investigations into the others had proved inconclusive.
"Detective Malcolm Bethany?"Mal didn't generally take calls while he was working. But the library was non-smoking, so he had fled outside for five minutes to treat his nicotine craving, and who was he to deny anyone looking for him? He'd picked up his cell phone before he saw who it was, anticipating Bell or Kinsey to be looking for him this time of day.
Anything had to be better than working out of the top level of a Chinese restaurant.
As he got closer, he realized they weren’t dead—just sleeping. In a very awkward position, leaned up against the door of a boarded-up drugstore.
Fairystruck asshole motherfucker. I’m try’na fucking help you.”
“Not before the police. How’s it tied into the Henderson case?”
It wasn’t a lie—if she had really Seen the body on the pier, that made her incredibly useful to the case.
Hello, Lareine. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we? I. CHARACTERSI love Mal. He is determined to solve the case, and I love the part where he sneezed and the girl was like ‘what the heck, man.’ I am assuming because you mentioned that he sneezed and he got some magic dust in her hair. That part was hilarious. Anyways, I can’t really much say about the girl yet. She is sassy though, I like it. I kind of want to know more about her. II. PACING & SETTINGThe pacing of the story is good so far. It’s not rushed, and I don’t know. Is there such a thing as the story is too slow-paced? I guess dragging on? Anyways, it’s not slow-paced either. As for the setting, you described some scenes well, but I don’t know but the setting overall in the story seemed vague? It could be just me. III. OVERALLOverall, I enjoyed the story so far. I love the characters, especially the girl. Her sass made me crack up. As for your setting, I don’t know why but it seemed vague, maybe be more descriptive? I can’t wait to read part 2 of this story, it is very interesting to read. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!- Kanome
Woohoo. This is my very first review on this website so congrats being my first one. Haha. Anyway, as for your story, I really liked this chapter and I am very intrigued so far. This chapter did seem kind of rushed however, and if you can, I would recommend maybe slowing it down a little and adding in more descriptions, especially character descriptions for Mal and things that he can do to give us an idea of the type of person he is. I do really like where you started with him however, and I like the mystery of the Henderson's case and this entire fairy thing and the human magic (humans have magic O_O). It is very interesting and I was actually leaning closer to the computer screen while I read the few paragraphs that first introduced the magic. As for spelling/grammar, I didn't find much but there were a few things. First of all, in your first couple of sentences, you wrote "There was always a throng of reporters pressed up against the caution tape. No matter where, no matter when." I feel like the second sentence "No matter where, no matter when" is kinda awkward. It's not a complete sentence. Instead, I would either use an em dash here or a semi colon to make the two sentences one. Or you could just make the second sentence into a complete sentence and say something like "When and where didn't matter, they always hovered near a crime scene, waiting for their chance to swoop in and feed on the misery of some poor victim." Or something like that, I don't know. Secondly, near the end of the chapter, you wrote "if she had really Seen the body on the pier..." and you just have to make the "s" lowercase is all. Anyway, that's all I have. Good job on this chapter and thanks for being my very first review!
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