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Mary, Lie Down

by Vervain

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110 Reviews

Points: 3092
Reviews: 110

Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:10 pm
TahaT11n says...

Hi.. quite a great work you have done here. The lyrics slowly slowly reveal the true nature of a man who being driven by the passion of possession of a women married many women and in the end when they failed to satisfy him, he go got rid of them. Simple and easy words are speaking more loudly than they are supposed to.
At first, it felt a little bit boring to read the same passage again and again. But the last one was the bomb... in this case, the lyrics shouldn't be too long so that the listener or the reader doesn't start to feel bored...

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299 Reviews

Points: 24185
Reviews: 299

Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:34 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...

Wow; this poem is just plain creepy. O_O Great job! You did a good job of striking the balance between the lyrical, peaceful appearance and rhythm of the poem and composing the disturbing, and dramatically revealing, story about the life of Gregor Diot. This is one of those kinds of stories where you don't see the twist coming, and this poem invokes a sense of intense, vivid horror among the readers, both of which are fantastic. My experiences with the poem are wonderful, too. As I began the poem, it seemed innocent and calm enough, and I was even creating a tune to the song and humming to it. The lyrical flow was nice, and I started reading eagerly, confident that this would be a happier style of poem. However, the farther I went, the more suspicious I became. The words "'Til one day something shadowy did verily alight" are one hint that something odd is happening behind the scenes, something that the lyrics are only implying. The way that Gregor told each of his wives the same thing disturbed me a little further, and it made me wonder what he was doing. When I reach stanzas 7 and 9, where there is only one wife, and then none at all, I become much more suspicious that he is actually murdering his wives. It seems to be the most likely option, particularly when I considered all my past evidence. Driven onward by this sense of suspense and horror, becoming more and more aware of the true nature of this song, I read on further, eager to see if this man will meet his fate. Finally, at the end of the poem, you reveal the crimes of Gregor Diot in an amazing manner, as he is accosted by the 'spirits from the light,' or the beings of the dead. They invite him to lie down, and the final set of lyrics reveals his murders and what had brought him to his end. In all, this poem is an epic journey. It is surprising, full of twist and turns, and leaves the reader curious and eager throughout most of the story, building their suspicions until the calm nature of the poem takes on a dramatic, serious, and horrific end. When it comes to the plot of your story, I am impressed.

Beyond that, there isn't much else to say about the poem. I have absolutely no nitpicks when it comes to the flow and order of the story - in that aspect, the lyrics are practically perfect. The rhythm is organized nicely and composed well, and I found no errors in grammar/spelling either. This poem oozes emotions and feelings, and I have fallen in love with the line "'Til one day something shadowy did verily alight." It is creepy, it is interesting, and worded beautifully, and fits nicely with the rest of the poem. The same can be said for so many other lines - the way that you word each of them is fascinating, beautiful, and a nice inclusion to this amazing poem. In conclusion, I enjoyed this immense. It was fun to read this from start to finish, and is definitely one of the finest horror stories that I have ever read. It is a unique horror story, a creative one, and I'm impressed. Thank you for this wonderful work! :D

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30 Reviews

Points: 370
Reviews: 30

Sat Sep 26, 2015 6:33 am
sinistercutlass wrote a review...

Oooooh, I like this! This is a perfect, timeless nursery rhyme... with a sinister, dark undertone. This appeals to children in its rhythm and melody, and to adults for this aspect as well as the hidden message within it.

What was the inspiration behind this? Was it inspired by a poem already existing, or was it completely original?

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359 Reviews

Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Fri Sep 25, 2015 9:44 pm
steampowered wrote a review...

Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m not sure how helpful this feedback’s going to be, since RagingLive already said most of what I was going to say, but I’ll do my best.

This is one of my favourite pieces that I have ever read on YWS. If I could like it more times, I would. I don’t know the tune for this, obviously, but if you ever decide to record it I’d love to hear somebody singing this! It sounds like a sort of folk song to me – a traditional song, the sort that you hear people sing when you’re a kid and you don’t really understand the darker meaning of the lyrics until later.

I really liked the constant repetition, which definitely gave it the feel of a traditional song. I feel like this should be part of something bigger – even if it’s only recorded and turned into a “proper” song with a tune, so to speak. Maybe you could even work it into one of your novels! :D

The one thing I wasn’t sure about was how shadows “alight” on different parts of Gregor’s anatomy. Perhaps “upon Gregor’s shoulders” would work better than “upon Gregor’s shoulder” but that’s just my opinion. Also, like RagingLive already said, I think he should look down at his wives rather than up, although it did kind of give me the impression of a small, not particularly attractive-looking man. I don’t know if that’s what you intended with your wording, but I definitely saw Gregor in that way.

Gosh, this review was probably horrendously unhelpful, but I absolutely loved this. (Is there no end to your writing talents?) Feel free to let me know if you ever want anything reviewed, if this atrocious review of mine hasn’t put you off asking me for reviews. Keep writing! :D

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172 Reviews

Points: 4915
Reviews: 172

Fri Sep 25, 2015 8:08 pm
RagingLive wrote a review...

Hi there, Arkhaion! Rage here to review your song! :)

I'm not sure if it's because I'm a fan of bluegrass and country that I like this song or what, but I really was drawn to it. Also, I'm not calling your song bluegrass or country, it just reminds me of the two genres because bluegrass especially has a lot of man-kills-his-wife themed songs.

Upon Gregor's hands as he looked up at Mary, his wife:

This is exactly the same amount of syllables as the previous phrase, fourteen. But because the last sentence is a bit more condensed, this line was a bit hard to read and didn't quite match up. I would suggest you take out the word 'up' to remedy this, not just to smooth out the sentence, but because of a few questions that I'm not sure can be answered by your song. Men are normally taller than their wives, so I doubt that Gregor actually 'looked up' to Mary. But you also can't tell me if he was sitting and 'looked up' from a table or something of the like.
It could be the way I'm reading it because I can't hear the music, so if I'm out of line here I apologize as I don't want to offend.

Gregor Diot was a merry man who had a lively wife;

Before all of this, he had 'his merry wives', 'his pretty wives' etc. Now he only has 'a lively wife.' I understand if you mean that he only has one life left, but this is in past tense anyway, and so it's a bit confusing since, technically, he still has all of his other wives anyway. I would suggest that you rephrase as:
"Gregor Diot was a merry man who had his lively wives;"

This was a very interesting song, but I think that I liked the ending the best.
Upon Gregor's home and brought him to his end; exit, stage right.

You really a great song writer and I hope I get to see more of it in the future! Until then, keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D


Vervain says...

The whole song is supposed to show how Gregor's number of wives is diminishing -- with every time he says "Mary/Annie/Tabby, lie down", that's when they're dying. So that's why I switched to just one wife in that verse, because he only has Adeline left :P

In addition, I know it's difficult because you can't hear the music, but the "Mary" and "Annie" in the last line of their verses ("as he looked up at Mary, his wife") are extended into three beats instead of two to fit the meter. That's also how I managed to fit Tabitha and Adeline in seamlessly.

And I would definitely say that this is something of... a mix between folk/country and gothic thematic. I'm still trying to work on the instrumental parts of the song, but the vocal line -- especially with the repetition -- has more of a "gothic nursery rhyme" feel to it.

RagingLive says...

Now that you say that, I can tell! Thanks for the feedback! :D

"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne