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140,071 Literary Works • 672,991 Reviews
UMMMM OK GOOD
affyyy this is catchyyy
who's singing, in your mind?
Ugh this questionnnnn
In all honesty I know that it's all me behind the words, this is //my// song so I can't imagine anyone but myself (myself after like ten more years of practice and training and learning things) singing this -- I'd probably be really reluctant to give this song to anyone else unless I trusted them.
<3
hrmrmrm, an honest reply
hi Arkhaion. i am Siya. Honestly i really like your poem it is very intriguing. it gives you the facts of life. I really liked the title you chose for your poem it grabbed my attention and made me want to read it is also kind of catchy. I loved the similes you have used once or twice. What i did not understand was the relation between the person who wrote the poem and the person who is mentioned as a liar and some other things. I would really like it if you could tell me what that was all about. I think in all it was a very powerful poem and left an impact on the reader. Good job. Keep it up. I would like to read more of your work.I hope this helped you.
Actually, this song is about the strained relationship between myself and my dad. He lived with my family until I was 11 and then left -- but before he left, he spray-painted a suicide threat onto the front of our house. He was extremely manipulative, and he lied to us all the time, in addition to being heavy-handed with the corporal punishment. He also had bipolar disorder and refused to take his medication while falling into alcoholism (thus the lines, "The alcohol and heady drinks,/Lithium dumped in the sink").
I am so sorry.( unless you are lying). I hope you and your mom are fine now. Goood luck
Why the hell would I lie about something like that?
i don't know. some people i know would but i am really sorry if i heart your feelings
It's fine. I was touchy that day -- I forgot that some people actually would lie about something like this. I'm sorry for snapping at you, darling, and thanks for the review. <3
Its okay
Hey!
Super powerful, and... wow really catchy.
Not much to say, aside from replacing some words with others for a more consistent syllabic flow. Ex;
All the songs you’ve never heard --> All the songs you never heard.
The last stanza/verse, unfortunately really pales in comparison to the rest.
The content is good, the tone is standard for this piece, and the voice is haunting.. so that's all good.
What needs work in that last verse is how it flows together. Read it outloud, and even throw on a metronome if you need to. You'll notice is sounds.. off. At least it did for me, through the derived tempo I got from the rest of the piece.
Again: keeping the tone, voice, and content good is the hard part. Now all you gotta do is make it sound better! It'll be easy!
Anyways.. REALLY good piece, I really did like it.
Keep it up!
I do have my reasons for every word I put in this piece -- including the "you've" instead of "you". It's because of the tempo and rhythm that I personally put this piece at, where the consonants sound nicer than the empty space without the consonant.
I don't need to throw on a metronome to read the last verse out loud -- it's lyrics, so it's not going to sound out loud the same way to two people. I know how it sounds to me, and I know that to me, it fits together. I see where you're coming from, how it might look weird to an outsider, but to me, it looks perfectly normal.
Can you describe how else the last verse "pales"? Because other than the tempo/rhythm issue that you personally have, I see nothing raised in your review. If it's a content issue you're having at all, please, raise it, so I can address it.
"The content is good, the tone is standard for this piece, and the voice is haunting.. so that's all good.
What needs work in that last verse is how it flows together."
That clarifies nothing. I already addressed that issue, which obviously doesn't make the last verse pale that much considering, you know, it's addressable. Anything else?
Listen, I'm not going to argue about it. That's my opinion, and that's why you post on here.. For people's opinions. In my OPINION that makes the last verse subpar. You said in your OPINION it's not, so that's that.
Good luck on your future work, although you may want to be a tad more receptive to feedback.. that you're asking for.
I am receptive to feedback. You didn't give me critical feedback, you gave me "opinions".
Now, I'm here for opinions, yes. But I need something technical to work on. If you don't give me something technical that's really throwing it off, then I can't work on it, and your feedback is useless.
Good day.