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125,036 Literary Works • 672,919 Reviews
I loved all the depth and different types of emotions you portrayed in this piece!!!! I loved them a lot!!!!!
*DISCLAIMER !!!!! !!!! !!!!!* My computer crashed whilst I was in the middle of writing this so I lost my train of thought, therefore I am only going to critique what I read and remember liking and some grammar, but not the plot- sorry!
Your opening was slightly cliche (opening with a description of a time of day or the weather) and whilst I don't personally have a problem with it, it is definitely something to keep in the back of your mind, especially if you are looking into professional publishing or if you're writing something for an English class (not sure if that applies to you, but whatever- it's useful information anyway).
I love the part when you talk about the 'sting of pain'. You have perfectly balanced some natural speech and feeling in your piece alongside a beautiful degree of poeticism (I don't think that's a word... it should be. If it isn't we should totally get it into a dictionary...). I love it when writers manage to do this, it automatically makes the book seem more sophisticated and developed but do me careful not to overdo one or the other as it can cause the book to seem more pretentious or childish than it actually is depending on the genre you are writing.
Overall, I really loved what I can remember (still miffed that my computer broke down half-way through writing this review....)! Well done and keep on writing!!!!!!!
Hi, Arkhaion!
But just in case the reader didn't have a chance to get to the description, it'd be great to include the definition in the actual prose. 
First, a disclaimer:
Since I first started reviewing, I've mostly stuck to reviewing poetry. This is one of my first times working with prose on YWS, so this is kind of experimental.
Now, onto the review...
Introduction:
First of all, I love your title. "Sciamachy" is now my new favorite word!
Flow : Punctuation : Grammar
Something I love about your writing is how fluid it is. I mean, you just plowed through ~3000 words with barely any awkward phrasing (AP). Wow.
Still, because you have so little AP, I'm just going to quickly highlight an instance that could be less complex and more powerful.
I totally get how hard this is to describe; but you have a really good start. I'd suggest substituting some of these 'weaker' verbs for stronger ones. Maybe something like this:
"I tried to convey my annoyance, bristling, but the air pressure quickly flattened around me. I squirmed. Why are you following me?"
There are very few of these instances, and for a gifted writer like yourself, they should be easy to find/fix.
--
Also, a quick nitpick:
I think that you mean "was thrilled". Oh, typos, how we hate you...
Awesome Things:
One of my favorite sections of your story occurs in the third paragraph, here:
[quote]A shiver floated over me, a whip of cold from the Middle Plane racing along my edges, and I curled into myself as much as I could. The other thinned themself out and wrapped their shadow around me, more of a light caress than a suffocation, only then responding in like kind with a soft, Worried.
You use beautiful language, I can clearly picture what you're saying, and each sentence flows so easily off the tongue. In short... I love it.
Finally... Overall Things:
Excellent, excellent job. It isn't often that I have the pleasure of reading such a beautiful first draft. The one thing I'd ask you to think about avoiding is terms like "Upper Plane", because they can sometimes clutter the story and make it difficult for readers to concentrate on your alluring prose.
Keep writing, I can't wait to read your next draft!
IronSpark
Thank you for your review. ^^
A clarification for "thrilled" -- I did mean it that way, because it technically is a verb (if a little archaic), and the main character in this story is supposed to have more of an archaic voice. If you've ever heard anyone say "it was thrilling" or "it thrilled the audience", that's the verb form.
As for terms like the Upper Plane etc. -- I wanted to scrap them, because I know they clutter up my story, but I'm a little afraid that if I changed them to more poetic words or simply referred to them as Above and Below (which would be less clunky) then people wouldn't get what I was referring to. I'll probably try it in a second draft and see how it goes.
Thanks again!
I disagree with the person below me. Your main character seems just fine to me. Even if I did hate her, I could probably still give a review. Just saying. But I don't know what's going on in other people's lives.
I think the idea of things entering bodies and possessing them is pretty good, but you might want to clarify some things here and there. I barely understood what was going on through most of this. She possessed a girl named Elle? And Elle already knew what she was trying to do? If I found that I no longer had control of my body or something else was in my head, I'd just panic. I doubt that when faced with a situation this dire someone would have the sense to hurt the thing causing it. That intrigues me.
I hope this helps. Sorry if not!
-Grace
The reason you don't see a lot of Elle panicking is because of the spirit -- and the spirit has no gender, same as any other spirit, which is why I use "they/them" when referring to them, but you can feel free to project any gender you like. Basically, what's happening is that Elle is panicking, and she's trying ways to get back at the spirit, but the spirit has pushed her into the back of the shared mind and is ignoring her for the sake of experiencing the world. I thought it didn't come across very clearly, so thank you for pointing it out and confirming that! That'll definitely be something I focus on in a second draft.
Thank you for your review. ^^
I don't have a proper review for this one. My dislike over the protagonist avoids me from being objective or helpful. Sorry.
You don't like the protagonist because the protagonist isn't meant to be liked. Believe it or not, there are stories in which you're not supposed to side with the viewpoint character all the time.
And because you aren't supposed to like the protagonist, telling me that you don't like them doesn't give me any information to build off of, so I don't understand why you felt the need to make this comment in the first place.
Thanks anyway, I guess.