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The Mariner's Plea

by Vervain

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14 Reviews

Points: 813
Reviews: 14

Sun Feb 15, 2015 6:25 am
angelwing12 says...

This is simply amazing! I love how it reminds me of the sirens myth for example the lines:
"And still that eerie melody
That's calling from the deep,
And still I know that harmony,
I'll take eternal sleep"
The description is simply amazing. The flow of this piece is great. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece! I am looking forward to reading more of your works.

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1266 Reviews

Points: 37999
Reviews: 1266

Sun Feb 15, 2015 3:58 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi Arkhaion! Niteowl here to offer a quick review!

Overall, I really liked this. I could totally hear a bunch of big burly men singing it in my head. It has a really strong rhythm and feels like a sailor's song.

Just a couple tiny things.

But if I die, I'm history,
My name will be dissolved in sea foam

The last line here seems way too long, at least in the rhythm I have in my head. Maybe "My name dissolved in foam" would work while preserving the rhythm.

And here we feast on misery,
And here, on despair, on sea foam

This last line seems to be playing off the lines I quoted above and also has a weirdly long rhythm. I take it in these last few verses it's switching to the POV of the sirens? In that case, I suggest something like "And sailor's names of foam".

Overall, I really enjoyed this. Just a couple minor suggestions. Keep writing! :)

Vervain says...

Actually, the two lines that end with "sea foam" are weirdly long on purpose -- the idea is to tie the points of view together (yes, I'm switching every two verses between the sirens and the sailor) by taking another line of rhythm and putting it on the end of the line. I'm probably going to just play with the formatting to get that across, because it looks more awkward but makes more sense for "in sea foam" to be on the next line, as there's a beat after "dissolved" (and after "despair") before the line picks up.

Thank you for your review!

niteowl says...

Ah, I see now. I can't believe I didn't realize it was switching every two verses (I thought it was just at the end). Maybe use italics or something to make it more obvious?

Vervain says...

I was thinking of that, too -- I personally have a mistrust of italics, which is why I strayed from it, but I'll probably do that while I'm reformatting.

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221 Reviews

Points: 1476
Reviews: 221

Sat Feb 14, 2015 3:23 pm
Vivian wrote a review...

Okay, I don't how much of a review this will be or if will help. But I'm going to go ahead anyways. First off, I love the poem. It's beautiful and mysterious and still descriptive in it's own way. I feel like it was about a sailor trying to get home or rather torn between going home and choosing his inevitable death. Am I right? I honestly didn't see anything wrong with this poem and find it to be somehow sweet but kind of dark.
So, since I doubt this will help you, keep writing and Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Vervain says...

Haha, thank you very much for your review! Yeah, I decided to play off the siren myths with this one%u2014again, thank you. ^^

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Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Sat Feb 14, 2015 10:48 am
Chloe12 says...

Love it but don't put a capital letter without putting a full stop first

If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
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