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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Well. After reading this all the way through, I had to go back and re-read some parts. It seemed extremely surreal the first time I read it, but not quite so surreal the second time. The metaphors are so heavy, though--to the point that I can't always tell what's a metaphor and what's real. The skeleton metaphors were laid on so thickly that I spent my entire first reading of it wondering whether these were really thin, starving people, or metal robots shaped like skeletons. I was particularly unsure when they were compared to the fat man at the door. Now, however, I've concluded that they're real people.
Now I don't mean this as a criticism, considering the circumstances under which you wrote this, but reading it left me thirsting for context. What are the "music", the "colors", and the "screams"? What's with this "cut-off age"? Obviously, her dad and brothers are older than three. Does the rule only apply to girls? I'm assuming it's about who they let in.
Glancing over it again, I'm wondering if the "music" is like people's auras, and Ana is particularly in tune with auras so she can hear them like music?
All-in-all, this really captured my heart, and I felt empathy for the little girl. It flowed in a surreal but poetic fashion, with fascinating use of repetition and metaphor. I don't know if it could ultimately stand on its own, though--it seems that there should be more story, more context, more background. Maybe you can turn it into a novel.
Hello again ancientforever!
This is so cool! A dream! It's not that often that I read something like this, and I must say it's a really good change. The thing I believe needs more explanation; the cut-off age? I mean, wasn't her father older than four? I think it would be good if you explained that a little bit more. And for the last part, what did she think he wasn't joking about? Tripping her? Asking her what she was doing? I'm a little clueless. Other than that, it was a really good piece, with the same air as if you were in the dream with her.
~Kelpies.
Hi! Thank you for the review.
If you'll notice, it wasn't actually a dream -- the narrator fell asleep while her father was carrying her home -- and she wasn't sure the other boy was joking about tripping her.
As far as the cut-off age goes, this was actually part of an alternate-reality idea where socially, women are not allowed in theatre or other public settings, and girls are not afforded education past a certain cut-off age (four years originally, I believe I eventually raised the age).
oh, sorry. My mistake.
Hey there!
I haven't reviewed in a good while, so I apologise if this review isn't very helpful. I only skimmed the other's comments, so I'm sorry if I repeat all of what has already been said.
So, for something quite short, what stood out to me most was the imagery. It was lovely. I liked the constant mention of music. It was a nice little theme that you kept coming back to, but as for a story, I don't think this could be classed as one. I get that you see this more as a scene and I think you're right to do so. It was a nice snippet of someone's life, but that's all it was. There wasn't enough background to make any of what was being read, make sense. It just seemed like a fistful of ideas, rolled into a scene in what could eventually be a story. But for it to be a story you'd need to work on the characters.
For a start, I don't think the way the narrator, a five year old girl, is talking, is at all realistic. When I started reading, I imagined her to be at least fifteen. I don't think I know of, or have heard of, any five year old girl who could describe in the same way as the narrator does here. I think that's what sticks out to me the most. It just doesn't quite sit right with me.
Don't get me wrong, I think this has potential and I love the ideas you have and the way you've described things here, but I don't think it works as it is. There's definitely something about the way you write that makes me smile, though, so keep it up.
Good luck and I hope to read more from you in the future
xDudettex
Hey,
I like this but it needs a bit of help.
Very nice first line. Simple but makes me want to continue reading.
The next few lines are also very nice, good sentence structure, brilliant imagery. I especially like the last sentence in the first paragraph. It's when we come to this:
that we have a bit of a problem. You say that they're all skeletons in a metaphorical sense, then you mix up metaphors and say the father has metal feet. While it's a nice way to describe it, what I see in my head doesn't fit and it's a very weird image.
You're contradicting yourself by saying he was skeleton but he had metal feet but he was a horse. I suggest, take out the bit about the father being a skeleton, leave that to the children and alter the way you describe his metal feet and horseliness.
The next lines are good, even imagery and a sense of Jack Ripper-Halloween Night sort of atmosphere.
I don't like this. How is a nose like poetry? This seems sort of random and not necessary.
You say the father is a politician later on, but you also say that 'trouble is not needed in our family'. If he's a politician, why would he have to answer to fat bouncers with bread pudding stomachs? Wouldn't he just be allowed in with the sort of amnesty those will political power are given?
You speak of music a lot. First you say it's intense and loud and crazy for everyone, then you switch over and say that the father's music is wonderful and strange. I think that you should really take the father out of the skeleton metaphor because you've compared him to too many things: a skeleton, metal, a horse and now a bird. It's confusing.
Maybe say pelted me with balls of paper? Paper is rather light and when you throw it, it tends to fall gently to the floor. It's got no weight, so it can't gain the proper momentum.
Ehm, after that, the story begins to make little sense. The grandfather clock telling Ana to sing, then they have breakfast, then she thinks about that boy who threw paper at her. It seems really random and to be honest, it makes Ana seem sort of mental. Not sure if that's your point, but she seems a little insane.
I don't like how cynical and observant Ana is. She's only five. How could she remember all this? How could she use this vocabulary and such? She's just a child. I don't remember things from when I was five and my little 6 year old cousin can barely remember what she ate for breakfast, let alone how beautiful someone is at an opera or play.
Also: What time period is this? Why isn't the mother with them? Why is the girl only allowed in if she's under4 years of age? These are things that SmylinG brought up that I also wondered, because when you're reading a story, it has to make sense.When you're writing poetry, you leave a lot up to the reader to understand and dissect and use their imagination to make sense of what has been told to them, but when you write prose, it needs to have a beginning, a middle and an end, it needs to have characters, which you have and plot, which you don't. You are a great writer and really understand how to make your ideas shown to the writer but does this make sense? No. Does it leave me with a sense of 'what the hell just happened.'? Yes.
Fix that and you'll have something beautiful here.
~Jas
Oh, thank you so much! I was having trouble with writing this with any direction this morning because I was mostly sick, and I still have a bit of my headache, but I can get this down in my notebook better than it comes out typed.
I know my setting needs some work, but I was trying to get something down before I forgot about it. This is an idea that's been dancing on the edge of my mind, and I didn't want to lose it, so I managed something that conveys much less than I would like it to. I'll probably write it in my notebook in a smoother form - hopefully! - and be able to get it edited up on here later.
Hi there, Ancientforever. :]
So I read in your spoiler that this was meant to be a story/scene type of thing. It sort of explains why I couldn't grasp the concept of anything that was going on. Not to a fair extent, but I could at least see what this was to you when you wrote it. There were indeed a couple things that I found off with this which didn't quite sit right with me. In an overall sense, I found it rather befuddling.
For one, I have no clue at all the setting this scene takes place in. It's simply a scene. I'm not sure why, but my mind went leaning towards early 1920's for some reason or other. In a Chicago area. I really had no idea where it took place but from the small cracks in your description this is simply what I gathered from imagination. You'll be able to see if I'm way off, that I did not grasp where you were coming from at all in the setting. For this I wish you might have been a tad bit more clear. It doesn't take much at all to be suggestive with settings. Just be sure that you are clear when you're painting any scene.
Another thing I wanted to bring to light was the narration of the story. You have it told in a sort of present tense, in the eyes of a girl. In the beginning of the story, I gathered this girl night be a bit older. Mid teens or so. But no, she's only five. It was quite a shock up until the middle and end of the story. Then I just took it for what it was. It all sounded rather mature I suppose, so maybe that's where I get this from. I also did not understand why her father and her had to lie about her age. There was a cut off age but for what? Little girls? Men and boys could be as old as they wanted? Is that why the mother wasn't present? I really don't know.
Your characters confused me as well. You have a father, two brothers, and this youngest little one who is the narrator of the story. Then you have a mother who is all but absent until the end. Your characters seem to be out and about, but why would the mother not be present? Where are they even? I have absolutely no clue at all. A play? A movie? Out to see a show or some orchestra? I really don't know. And why would the mother not be present in the midst of it all? She's just missing. I found it rather odd how the only point she was brought up was when the little girl ripped her dress. And even then there seemed to be no reason or cause or that. She had a mean brother.
I couldn't tell if you were attempting to be metaphoric or what with this whole "skeleton" thing. It honestly through me off for the most part. In the beginning of the story I wondered if you were being morbid and colorful with your writing. But I never ended up understanding what you meant by these people being skeletons and the one man, whoever he was, was more meaty and less skeleton than the rest of them. Be a bit more open, because I'm honestly not taking in what you wanted me to.
Another thing, one basic overall thing I suppose I wanted to bring up is the concept of this. Usually with any scene or short story, there is reason to the colorful madness that which writers paint their pictures. A message of some kind. Symbolism maybe. I gathered nothing like that with this. Which was in the greatest way dissappointing in my eyes. :[ I hoped that by the end I would understand, I would comprehend what you were hoping to get at, but I never did. Nothing ever quite came to me. This was perhaps the greatest flaw.
Now don't be discouraged by my words and what I say. I most sincelerly do not mean to put you down. One thing I did find with this was that you indeed have a very interesting writing style. Your words come out quite smoothly and beautiful. You seem to have an angle, just no direction. What I would like to see you do with this and any future writing is pinpoint the message or downright basic point that lies beneath it all. I want to be able to understand what you're writing and to be able to soak it all in like one enormous flowing thought. Be clear, never unsure of yourself. And don't go for the obvious simple picture.
I hope nothing I've said may have come off too blunt or mean. I'm really just struggling to understad you as a writer. Perhaps you're an enigma I'll soon figure out. :] Keep up the writing, Ancient. Don't let my misunderstanding get you down, build from it. I'll be willing to come back should you alter this in any way and are looking for an
honest second opinion!
-Smylin'