The Corner of the World

by Vervain

  • Short Story

Published October 9, 2011

In 3 • Short Stories & Other

PreviousNext

Spoiler! :

This - well, it really isn't anything. And it probably sucks. Constructive criticism, please. Also, mild language warning.

-text removed-

End spoiler to clarify: the God mentioned in here (also mentioned as Almighty) is referring to any major god you would like it to. It's not necessarily the Judeo-Christian God, nor any other god - though I do have the boy pegged as Mesopotamian in my mind, so according to my Word of God, he would be referring to Enlil or the like.
Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
ArahAkachi1
Review
ArahAkachi1 wrote a review Review · Nov 20, 2011

Really good! i love it! you have some good writing skills ancient. Its really descriptive and some good vocabulary. I wish I had your descriptiveness and vocab so that my stories would be greater. I found out when you click My YWS, at the bottom there's a word of the week. I would suggest you try to incorporate that word a few times. I would also suggest using a thesaurus more so that you can get more "fancy" words to make you seem more intelligent. Hope this helped!
~Arah~

User avatar
MariaRowlands
Comment
MariaRowlands commented Comment · Nov 4, 2011

THAT WAS COOL!

User avatar
purplepen
Review
purplepen wrote a review Review · Oct 9, 2011

I don't think this sucks at all! At first, it was a little confusing, but it gradually got easier to understand. By the way, all of my corrections and comments from here on out are going to be in purple

They always did this when they tried to hurt him , they always acted like they were the invincible masters of the universe, and he wasn’t sure how they came to that conclusion.


I don't think you need a semi colon here. Just a comma will do.

So he was hiding from that ugly light, that fire that had engulfed part of his home already and was burning in a steadily-increasing circle – outwards, outwards, ever outwards.


I was kind of confused about what you were trying to do here. There's really no use for the dashes. I think it needs to look more like this:

So he was hiding from that ugly light, that fire that had engulfed part of his home already and was burning in a steadily increasing circle , outwards, outwards, ever outwards.


All of them had the same title, the same face, the same binding . They were anything but priceless, but they were a haven in this time.


They inched closer color=#4000BF],[/color] he could feel it , and he shuddered, holding one of the books to his chest as a kind of shield.


I guess you could use the dashes, but commas would be better, I think.

Sometimes the heat would die down for a few years, but it always started back up – in a different place, this time; in a different world with different ideals.


I was confused about this too. You don't need the random dash or semi colon. You could do this:

Sometimes the heat would die down for a few years, but it always started back up in a different place . This time in a different world with different ideals.


Or you could just take out the dash and semi colon. Whatever, it's up to you.

I'm running low on time, so I'll stop there. I really liked the story itself, but you need to let up on the semi colons and dashes. If you don't know what punctuation mark to use, just use a comma. It will probably end up being correct any way.



Mariah Carey
— WFP chat in Holiday Trivia Night (2025)