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Young Writers Society



Sunflower

by Vervain


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5 Reviews

Points: 690
Reviews: 5

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Mon Oct 05, 2015 5:34 pm
hannahlane wrote a review...



Hi!
I thought this piece was really good but I do think that there could have been some changes in the way that it was written.
I think you got the point of the love that they have for each other across very well, however some lines seemed somewhat out of place, for example: “You've had your fill, but she's there with you”
I was kind of confused by what you meant when you said that about having his fill.
“Her laughter’s brighter than the sun”- I really like this line because it makes me feel that they have a happy love, that they have a bright and exciting relationship.
Another thing that could change is the dialogue, “‘honey don’t cry’” and “sayin”. There is no dialogue in the poem except for that so I felt that it was placed kind of randomly. The dialect is not southern until you said “sayin” so that kind of threw me off.
Over all, I got a happy mood from the poem and I could feel a season as I read it, spring/summer time which led back to the title of “Sunflower”.
Keep up the good work!




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Points: 493
Reviews: 58

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Wed Sep 16, 2015 4:26 pm
ticktock123 wrote a review...



The lyrics are really deep and so easy to relate to. Everyone can think highs and lows, like the different parts of the song. But the slightly bleaker "chorus" always comes back, because there will always be sad times again... Yet the whole poem's rhythm is like the beating of your heart...because you are still alive. I loved the ending too, it really captures the point of our lives here and how we need the people we love.

Amazing poem! Thank you
Tick tock




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30 Reviews

Points: 574
Reviews: 30

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Tue Sep 15, 2015 7:58 pm
micamouth wrote a review...



This is one of those songs that sound really good, but even better when you truly understand the lyrics. I love the way it seems like a letter turned into a song. It's one of those songs about love that don't address the matter in an almost aggressive way, and I like that. There are a few things I'm going to nitpick about, but this is a fabulous song just like it is. Hey, if you'd like an actual song, I could play it for you on my piano or ukulele, or both! You'd just need to give me an idea of what it's supposed to sound like :3

Revivals of the peace in the violence...


This sounds a little awkward. Try it without 'the', it might flow better.

In the summer when you run...


Eh, another awkward line. I've a feeling this was a desperate rhyme? Try finding something else that'll rhyme, and make a line with that.

These lyrics are just lovely. I have no more to add.

*patpat*




Vervain says...


The reason I have the "the" in "Revivals of the peace in the violence" is to create a kind of, how to say, repetitive rhythm? It's supposed to sound kind of like a heartbeat with the stress-release, and the extra "the" is in there to reinforce that when it's sung. It's not very long, mostly there to add a half-beat of buffer.

And "in the summer when you run" is actually a personal reference, for me, so to me it makes sense in the context of the song -- it's definitely not a desperate rhyme xD It's a reference to when my best friend and I used to take summers off, head to the park, and just run around and goof off and be kids while no one else was watching. And it's another thing that I think sounds better when sung; I agree that it's awkward to read on the page, but that's lyrics sometimes.



micamouth says...


Lyrics are hard to read on paper. Thanks for clarifying! I'm sure this would make more sense to me if it had rhythm, but it's lovely anyway <3




What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye