Heya, Lar! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'll be taking this verse by verse, soI hope that's okay. To the review!
[Your face isn't there in my mind any more
Your eyes don't appear in my dreams
The sound of your voice is drowned out by the storm]
Aye, I'm not sure what style you're going for here, but I think you could get rid of,"there," as to me it doesn't add anything and gives an awkward feel to the line. Really, that's the only thing that caught my attention about these lines so props for that. Anyway, onward.
The day I last saw you, I was headed for the north
To try and lose myself far away
I didn't look behind
I couldn't look behind or else I'd stay
Aye, I really like the first couple of lines here. I think they're good and you get what you wanted out of them, so props on that.
What I didn't like about this was the last two lines. I felt like you could have left off the,"I couldn't look behind." I think it disrupts your flow just a bit, and I don't think it really adds anything extra. Leaving it as,"I didn't look behind/if I did I'd stay," or something of that magnitude. Anyway, onward.
The sunset loomed so large and dark against all that I knew
I never thought I'd run away like this
That night was darker still
A battle of my heart against my will
Aye, the first thing I have here is the rhyme scheme. In the previous verse you rhyme the second and fourth lines, yet here you rhyme the third and fourth lines. Why the switch? As we all know music and lyrics don't have to rhyme, but I feel like the third line just added,"still," to rhyme with the fourth line.
The next thing I'd have to say is the imagery. I'm having trouble comprehending how a sunset would be large AND dark. Since sunset is the sun touching the end of the horizon, it would still be light. And if it was large, it wouldn't be dark, or at least the way I'm thinking about it. Anyway, onward.
Anyway, really all I have bad to say about this is the rhyme scheme in parts, the flow is a bit choppy at the beginning, and some of the images just didn't work for me. The overall emotion of this was good, but the problem is I don't know exactly what this is about. Like there's no set person this is about. It could be a lover, it could be a spouse, or it could be a friend/family member.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Points: 3571
Reviews: 624
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