Hey, Lare! Ink here to beat the tar outta Kayla, Adri, and Hatt! Here's to hoping I can do this story some justice!
In only three paragraphs, I'm already feeling like your story with Kyle was written better than this is. Your description in this isn't as distinctive as I've seen before. I'm used to being wowed by you, so seeing something more generic like this is a bit of a disappointment. I think part of this is that Kyle's voice was very distinct, and this is written in the third person, but I think that you could do a lot better with this. Even in the third person, the writing has a sort of voice, even if it isn't the voice of the main character. I just want to see you make this special. I couldn't have gotten your other story anywhere else, and I want to feel the same about this one. That being said, this is a rough draft, so you have nothing to worry about. Obviously, nothing's perfect on the first try.
Maris couldn’t bring herself to feel sad.
This is where I'm starting to like it. I know you want tropey fantasy, but please please please use this well. I'm fairly sure you will, but I really want to emphasize it. This is what's going to make this novel stand out. This is what is going to make this a good tropey fantasy instead of something we've all seen before.
as she let go of the lights, they floated over Estelle’s body and cloaked her in a blanket of diamonds.
I'm pretty sure you're talking about the same person here, so I don't know why you changed the pronouns.
Cadeyrn’s voice was strained. He clapped Maris on the shoulder and pulled all attention to him. Strapped to his belt was a new sword—Estelle’s, the hilt adorned with amethysts.
Why is Cadeyrn getting all of Estelle's stuff? Were they romantically involved? Is he the next "Chosen One" or something? If neither of those things are true, why doesn't Maris get all of Estelle's stuff? Also, I think you have a prime chance for some jealousy and resentment here and Maris's part.
Maris didn’t understand magic to begin with. Some people could wave their hands a certain way and blur the lines between worlds or times or countries.
I think I remember you talking about magic systems, so I'm sure you know that every story needs some sort of rule system for magic. I think it's an interesting aspect that your main character doesn't get the rules, but I'd be careful to make sure that it's apparent that rules do exist and people can't just do whatever they want.
While I did say that I wasn't entirely impressed with the writing, I did enjoy the plot. It compelled me, and I want to read more. I'm a little disappointed that you didn't do much more with the resentment(?) of Estelle, but that can come later. (I just love my juicy character drama.)
I do have one question about the plot. Why are they killing the dragons? I'm pretty sure you never mention it, and I fail to see how eradicating a nest of dragons is going to save Journsea from 'evil.' (BTW: I like how nonspecific that is. I feel like you could do some cool things with a perceived evil).
Overall, I liked the plot and characters. I think you did a good job of introducing most of them (barring Lynet who needs more of an introduction of personality and backstory). The plot is compelling and I'm liking the tropey fantasy setting you have going on.
I'm always open for novel talk on Discord.
~Ink
Points: 2200
Reviews: 235
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