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139,367 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Oh. My. GOSH. This is spectacular! <3 I can't even SAY how much I love this. Congrats on getting me all excited.
Ancient,
Hehe, I rather enjoyed this, quite an entertaining read. When I got to the part where she turns to a wolf my eyes were literally bugging out like this: O.O and normally, I hate when people throw things out like that, but it was somewhat nice here; well-written.
I would've loved some foreshadowing though, so it's not so random.As an experimentation piece it's not bad, though as a short story it could use some considerable revising, mostly because I'm wondering why two supernatural creatures try acting as their dayjobs? Lol, though why not, right?
One thing I couldn't believe is that Damien would just give out the keys to his car like that. I don't know, maybe it's because I would never let anyone drive my car - save for like, my parents or boyfriend, but geez! If anyone starts driving like that, I'd certainly make them pull over in a hurry. Maybe if Cynthia begs to drive the car and Damien consents? I just couldn't believe anyone saying, "Want to drive?" - I just thought that was a bit weird.
The conversation certainly felt natural enough. I'll be honest though, it wasn't so much the plot, it was more Cynthia's character that kept me reading. Her vocalness and the juxtaposition of her at the beginning "We must retreat to your quarters" -- versus her real personality, I found it funny xD I can just imagine her seething as she was saying those lines.
Whoa, you did foreshadow! And I didn't even notice it the first time xD I had to catch that with a second read-through. I guess when I was reading through this the first time around, I was expecting the two of them to get into a car accident.
But why would she just suddenly stop to bite him? That action in and of itself seemed so random to me. Maybe if she said that she was hungry or something? xD But yeah, I liked this - just develop it more. Make us care about the characters, make us connect with them. Not just Damien, but both of the characters' motivations. I feel as though I care about Cynthia a little, but not quite. There needs to be more.
What's her relationship with her brother like? What does she like? Natural things like that can slip into the conversations and make me connect with her, that way I'll care more about her death. I want to be able to understand why she did what she did - that's my main critique and I feel it is a considerable one. I mean, every character should have some sort of desire - they should have some sort of motivation, even in short stories. Just having a motivation at all will help me connect with these characters and will tell you a lot about the characters' personalities. But there's nothing here.
That being said, I feel the pace is well-done, and I like how this is set up where she talk about going to a horror flick and it turns out that the reality of it becomes the horror flick. Oh, the irony.
Nice job, Ancient!
~ as always, Audy
This is really good Ancient! I agree with ajt about the cat and the twist is shocking. Third Person Omniscient seems to come easily to you, but its harder for me to write in Third Person Omniscient. Keep up the good work and remember about the word of the week on My YWS. It will boost your vocabulary and boost your stories/works.
Has a nice little twist to it which I like. I think this is really good. I am not so fond of the cat though- I think you could develop him a bit more. I am sorry if this is a bit rushed, but I don't have much time left on my battery XD I'll probably edit this review, so sorry if it isn't a proper critique. But I did like it, very much.