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140,071 Literary Works • 672,991 Reviews
Yolo peoples!!!!! LadyRanicorn here for another AMAZING review!!!!
Going to start a bit early for this one, so it's totally okay for me to say that I LOVE the first stanza, or whatever it's called. I liked it because it is SO me in everyday life. This is the line I'm talking about in case I DID get the name wrong... "I'm fighting battles that aren't mine," Another line that I act like a LOT is this one "Don't wanna face the truth" because I don't really know the world as it is. Enough about me now, on to the review!!!
What I really enjoyed about this piece of work is how you expressed the characters point of view so exceptionally well. This really helped me to ACTUALLY know what they were going through. I also enjoyed the parts when you mentioned the "magic bubble." Welp, this is all that I have to say for now, keep up the good work!!! Until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!
Heya Lareine,
I hesitated to review this. Why? I noticed a review you wrote that I quite liked because all of it was 100% true (or I at least agreed) and figured you to be a great writer and that any work you produced would be knowledgeable and pretty much perfect. So when I saw this on the front page, I didn't want to risk reviewing something when it's so obvious the writer knows stuff already. That awkwardly said, critique sandwich time.
1. What did I like about this piece?
> I liked the idea of a bubble that can carry you away from any sorts of hurt. The imagery of it gives a false sense of security, because of course, bubbles are so fragile.
> I particularly like the lines "Don't wanna face the truth / I just wanna stay with you" as they sound just right together.
> The song lyrics did sound like they could definitely be sung to music and they held a rhythm at times that was quite nice to my inner ear, especially the 3rd stanza.
2. What specific points need improvement?
> I'm not really a poem/lyrics reader. So for the following comments, please understand that your mileage may vary applies to whether or not they will be useful to you. First, I didn't like most of the rhyme that felt forced to me. Like chain/vain, disown/sowed, bubble/trouble. I also disliked the random rhyming scheme you had going. It all worked against you, like you wanted to have a flow, build up anticipation, but I felt like it was just lacking.
> I disliked the allusion to fighting battles and winning wars. It just seemed very melodramatic to me. I felt as if you wanted this poem to feel epic, like a fight for something, but it didn't come across that way, to me.
> The "too damn vain" part grates on my nerves a little bit. I don't know if it's because it's the off syllable count, or the pseudo cursing or the allusion to something forcing you to do something else/holding you in place. It's just cliche.
> Instead of "but there's no way to disown / all the chaos that I sowed" you could have "but there's no way to disown / all the chaos that I've sown"
3. What are my concluding thoughts?
> That's not to say I disliked the poem entirely. The 6th stanza is the one that stands out most to me, because you haven't forced any rhyme and the figurative language is immersive and relatable.
I hope this review helped in some way!
All the best,
Jai
This is a great read. It flows well and it it overall beautifully written. The rhymes are used tastefully enough that they are noticeable but not gimmicky. Keep writing, you're great!