The first day of kindergarten began with
sweaty palms and overall jeans.
Girls ran in pigtails and little boys in baseball caps.
When trying to avoid broccoli was the biggest concern.
The first day of middle school began with
new bags and blue jeans.
Girls with thick makeup and boys with spitball straws
When finding a date was the biggest concern.
The first day of high school began with
textbooks and cell phones.
Girls with loud mouths and boys with footballs
When trying to pass algebra was the biggest concern.
The last day of high school left with
black robes and facebook pictures.
Girls with makeup running and boys playing football.
When trying to forget the past 18 years was your biggest concern.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
This poem is absolutely beautiful! I really really lost it at the last line
"When trying to forget the past 18 years was your biggest concern."
I liked your decision to make the last line of each phase or stage of life be about the narrator's concerns at that time of his or her life. I really can't think of any way to improve your poem except maybe when you said:
"The first day of high school began with
textbooks and cell phones."
put something in there about like ripped jeans or something. It just helps to continue building the pattern which you've already set up. and to be honest i was sort of expecting to see a mention of jeans in that stanza. But otherwise, I absolutely love this poem! Very thoughtful how the poem starts on a playful note with "girls in pigtails" and by the end there's the contrast of "girls with makeup running"
Excellent work! Keep it up. I can't wait to read more of your poetry.
Love,
wallflower16
Hello! I'll begin by saying you made me cry! Here I am reluctant to leave the last half of your poem. As a high school senior I fear all that is ahead of me, but i do in someways look forward to it. You captured life at its best. Wish we could go back to the simple concerns of broccoli... :/ Great job. Its perfect- don't let anyone, or yourself, say any different.
Aw I'm sorry I made you cry <3
Aw I'm sorry I made you cry <3
So apparently I'm still in kindergarten.
CURSE YOU BROCCOLI!
hahahah actually made me laugh out loud!
This is seriously amazing! :O
You really do deserve to be in the spotlight.
I really enjoyed this poem because it was so relatable, as pretty much everyone on this website has been through most of these, and knows what you're talking about!
I also like how you sort of combined all of the different times together, which I found really effective. Sort of showing us that not a lot has changed...?
I have no improvements to make on this I'm afraid, so I apologise greatly for not helping!
But seriously, I love this, and for me at the moment, those algebra tests are pretty damn hard...
Great work, I'll keep an eye out for more of your work!
-CFG
I...predict....this poem will be in the literary spotlight. If not now, later, because it really is a very well-written if not simple poem.
'The first day of kindergarten began with
sweaty palms and overall jeans.
Girls ran in pigtails and little boy in baseball caps.'
Great start, simple, realistic but an attention grabber and is sweet and it brings back memory to about anyone who has survived a decent childhood.
'The first day of middle school began with
new bags and blue jeans.
Girls with thick makeup and boys with spitball straws'
Well, I've got no problem with this. But, spitball straws? I'm not so sure about that, but I mean everyone goes to different schools and also like geekgirl said, stanzas would certainly make your poem much easier to read and have a constant flow.
But I really love the rest of the poem and especially the last line,
'When trying to forget the past 18 years was your biggest concern. '
I think this line really reflects on the poem itself, it brings a touch of reminiscent of the past 18 years and is a wonderful way to tie up a poem. This is one of those poems, where is simple but it speaks a lot to readers.
Nice job! Keep up the good work and Happy New Year!
-Rx
Well your prediction is correct XD
I really liked this poem. It really hit the spot on how people grow up. The only thing I am going to say is the formatting. It's just a 'me' thing. Stanzas really help to make something look really nice. But I know that this website and sometimes stuff up formatting so I'm not going to judge.
(quote) "Girls ran in pigtails and little boy in baseball caps." I think that this sentence didn't make as much sense. To improve I suggest just cutting out the 'little.'
Great job. I really want to see more.
Hello, my friend.
First, I loved this. I often struggle with moving on from the past, so I felt the lingering emotions within each line. The stanzas each seemed to attempt to hold on to something that may already be gone. Or is gone.
Second, I do not claim to have any sort of knowledge about poetry. However, I will try to give you some critisism.
Third, you lost me when you began to write about high school. Boys with spit balls? That seems more of a middle school activity to me. But I may be wrong.
Fourth, I loved the last line. I thought it was the right way to end a poem such as this.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. It struck with me in a way most poems do not. I hope I was of help, my friend. Happy Writing!