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To Maggie

by TinyJarStoredDreams


Dearest Maggie,


I visited you today,

I hope you liked the tea.

You looked like the most beautiful I've seen a girl;

its the natural look

I'm sure of it.


At the florist where you used to work,

Grace asked how you were;

I said you were doing fine.

I hope that's okay with you.

She sends her love and her white roses that sit on your doorstep.


Tom and Alice came to say hi,

but you were asleep so they left quickly

only leaving a box of your favorite cigarettes.

I used one though,

I'm sure you will understand.


Tell me how the clouds are so I can convince myself to join you.


Always yours,

Peter


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Tue Jul 22, 2014 6:07 pm
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yellow wrote a review...



This is a beautiful and romantic short story. Also as GreenLight24 said, it is deceitfully dark at the same time. But otherwise it is a beautiful short story. I don't think I could ever write like you. You are a talented and an awesome young author. You have a good future going for you. Never give up and always write a story.

-Unknown391625




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Fri Feb 07, 2014 5:13 am
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GreenLight24 says...



Wow. This is beautiful... But deceitfully dark at the same time. You can almost feel the man's grief even as he tries to keep it hidden under the surface. Nice job!




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 5:50 pm
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Poopsie wrote a review...



Hello, this is Verser with a review for this melancholy, yet beautiful poem. (I think it's going to be short)

...What can I say? This poem is absolutely beautiful, from beggining to shock-ending. To pick a favorite part would be foolish. I like how, throughout the whole poem, you describe this person as if she was living, for example: "Tom and Alice came to say hi, but you were asleep so they left quickly". It makes your mind twist up in knots trying to figure out the meaning.

Thank you for contributing this wonderful peice of art to YWS






Thanks c:



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Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:57 pm
EmilyofREL wrote a review...



Short, sweet, and surprising. I really like this. At first you think the wife is just fine, then you suspect she might be sick, then finally at the end you can tell she's dead.

"I used one though,

I'm sure you will understand."

I love this line. It tells me a lot about their relationship in just a few words.

A few nitpicky things--in the last line "myself" is one word, not two. and the part where you said she was "asleep" was a little confusing.

Overall, I really love this. Peter has a very strong voice. Great job!




Verser says...


actually, I think it can be one word



EmilyofREL says...


That what I meant, the author had it as two words when it should be one. Just a typo :)





Fixed it!



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Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:34 pm
Typer wrote a review...



Lovely. The death/normality imagery was gorgeous, such as 'doorstep', ( I assume it means gravestone?) which gave blurred areas between what was happening and made the poem able to be inferred to as you wanted. The last line 'tell me how the clouds are so I can convince myself to join you' was very poignant and conveyed the sense of loss and longing exquisitely. Love it!




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:24 pm
Abhilash007 wrote a review...



First i would like to tell that your title of the poem is really good.
Coming to the poem part, i think you could have used more touching words rather than the words you use in a story because some lines were like reading a story. Use some words which rhyme or atleast which fits to the rhythm of the poem or else people will loose interest.

In the last lines
"Get back to me as soon as possible.

Tell me how the clouds are so I can convince my self to join you." you could have used come back as soon as possible or just tell how the clouds are so i make up my mind to join you...:)

Hope i was not rude..

Keep writing..

Abhilash V C




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:14 am
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Apricity says...



Oh.....*lets out a soft sigh and smiles*




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:32 am
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amberrrly30 says...



very, very good. breath taking. I was intrigued the entire time. wonderful piece of work!!




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:16 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there TinyJarStoredDreams! Nite here to review!

Now, I have a much...darker interpretation of this poem than the previous reviewer. I gather that he's killed her, left her body somewhere that no one's discovered, and managed to convince people that she's still alive. Very interesting. But if I'm miles off, you may want to re-word to make your actual message more clear.

That said, I think you have some strong images in this poem. My main critiques are on wording and punctuation.

You looked the most beautiful I've seen you in years,

it's the natural look


The first line is kind of clunky. I suggest "You looked more beautiful than you have in years" or perhaps the more simple "You looked more beautiful than ever". That's also a complete sentence, so it should have a period or semi-colon at the end.

Grace asked how you were

I said you were doing fine.


Again, I think these are two sentences. I suggest a semi-colon after "were".

She sends her love and her white roses that sit on your doorstep.


This line feels rather long. I think it would sound better as "She sends her love with white roses./I left them on your doorstep."

but you were asleep so they left quickly,

only leaving a box of your favorite cigarettes.

I used one though.

I'm sure you will understand.


Just some punctuation edits here. You could also do "I used one/But I'm sure you understand" for the last lines.

Get back to me as soon as possible.


This might be a personal quirk, but "as soon as possible" sounds rather business-y to me. It reminds me of how my advisor says "get that done ASAP". I think "Get back to me soon, dear" would sound more personal and fit better with the tone here.

Overall, I think this is great. You have some haunting imagery and a great story. Keep writing! :)




niteowl says...


Wow. Am I literally the only person who thought this was the opposite of sweet/romantic? Now I really want clarification.





It was romantic, his wife died of old age/illness he misses her deeply. Peter (the old man) Visits her often leaving a note each time while other visitors only stay for a moment leaving a gift, but Peter writes letters showing how he believes she is still alive.



niteowl says...


Ah. I liked my interpretation better. :P

I think it was the "Grace asked how you were" that made me think that. Living people don't ask how dead people are.

I think the edits you did make help a bit, though. Maybe I just watch too many crime shows. :P



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Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:06 am
svwiener wrote a review...



I love this! It's so simple, yet so sweet and meaningful. I liked how you used easy-to-understand diction and syntax, allowing any reader to get it without bombarding them with sophisticated ideas, but also sounding poised and being well-spoken. This was fantastic!

If it was on purpose, I like how you made "my self" two words. Even though the commonly used word is "myself," think the way you split it into two creates a different meaning, and it definitely caught my attention, as I'm sure it did others'

The title is AMAZING!!! And I love letter format. If I write a novels for a living, I would count on lots of them being in journal or letter format. I just love it. Also, the description you had for the letter really dragged me in and got me to read this.

Awesome work!!




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:50 am
sydneysmommy says...



Fabulous.




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:37 am
InuRa wrote a review...



Hey. InuRa here for a review

This is so sad.
I know that the poem was about a man writing a letter to his dead wife.
I know because of the line that said,
"Tell me how the clouds are so I can convince my self to join you."

And this is a small nitpick but, "so i can convince my self." myself is two words.

All in all this was a sad, and very emotional, poem.





The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin