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Burns

by TinyJarStoredDreams


My eyes burn from the lack of sleep.

My back burns from the over exposure to the sun.

My feet burn from the climbing up the mountain.

But the burn is worth the sight.

The sight of a boat off in the distance

A yellow light flashing and a horn honking.

The water sprays onto my face making me jump back

And it burns into my cuts.

I scream for the boat

And for the burn.

My cry fades off and so does the boat.

Just another day alone on this burning island


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183 Reviews


Points: 1810
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Mon Dec 23, 2013 3:04 pm
ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



Oh my.
That is so amazing! :D
First of all, I want to say I LOVE THE FILM CAST AWAY! :D It's such a great film and I think you've captured the feelings really well in this poem.
The first line captivates the reader, because you want to know WHY there's a lack of sleep and what they've been doing instead!
I particularly like the line:
"Just another day alone on this burning island"
I just like it because you use the word "burn" which links back to the poem nicely (and the title), and it really makes the reader want to know MORE, but also makes them sympathize with the person you are writing about.
Great work, I can't wait to see more of your writing! :D
-CFG




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Mon Dec 23, 2013 11:57 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! Just a few observations on this piece:

1. Repetition

At first the repetition of burn is nice because you create different images with it and manage to make it blend into the background, while still having some impact. However, in the second half, when you bring burn back in again with the water burning into his cuts - it feels forced because water doesn't burn. It can sting cuts but the sea can never in any way burn. After that, every time you use it, it just feels really repetitive so I'd say cut loose after the first four uses and either use another word or avoid it until you reach burning island.

You also repeat 'sight' which is a really mundane word and not worth repeating. Instead, use a word which will build on the image or our knowledge of the speaker. If you use 'the twinkle of a boat' then we know that the boat is a good thing and this character is hoping to be rescued from a desert island, rather than trying to flee their captors. If you want something more fore-boding, you can say 'the shadow' or 'the mirage' of a boat. Choose your words more carefully and make them work for you!

2.

I scream from the boat

And for the burn.

My cry fades off and so does the boat.


I think this is meant to say 'scream for the boat' as I don't think you want to apply that your speaker is on the boat.

Overall

This has a nice story and is quite interesting to read but would improve with some more careful language and some powerful imagery. I want to really feel how tired the speaker is and how excited they are when they see that boat, only for it to leave them crushed when it passes by.

I hope that helps a little!

Heather xx




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Mon Dec 23, 2013 6:15 am
Jessheeran wrote a review...



Hello there!

I'm not sure if that's the interpretation (since the work is quite non-literal and open to interpretation according to one's experience) but I can relate to this, as my struggle with self-harm.
It's powerful, yet smooth and subtle.

My favorite part is;
" The water sprays onto my face making me jump back
And it burns into my cuts.
I scream from the boat
And for the burn.
My cry fades off and so does the boat.
Just another day alone on this burning island "

Since it's clearely the turning point of the story.
What caught my eye was:
" (...) it burns into my cuts.
I scream from the boat
And for the burn."

Since a person who self harms tends to do that. They run -from- others, -for- the cuts.

But that's only my interpretation of this lovely poem.

It didn't rhyme, but it was still as beautiful, (which sometimes doesn't happen), and I enjoy the continuity (of the poem going back to the beginning as a cycle).

Great job, I really enjoyed reading it. :)





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