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Sam

by TinyJarStoredDreams


I can feel my heart pounding against my chest when an eruption of fear pours over my body. I am placed in a white room that smells of hand sanitizer and latex gloves. A small white bed holds my fragile body keeping it in place with a single strap over my chest. Nurses whisper to each other outside taking peeks at me as they do so. The nurse in the blue leaves and comes and jabs a tube into my arm. Soon my body is filled with new fluids and it calms me. A man with a blue mask across his face comes in.

"It's my star patient!" He exclaims his mask moving slightly as he talks.

It's funny that he calls me that because I've never been here before.

His nurse whispers something to him showing him a clipboard with words scribbled across pink pieces of paper. My stomach moves and it becomes hard to breathe. The man pulls away from his nurse his face mimicking my panicked one.

His nurse runs over and says something about a red code into the speaker in the wall as mask clear comes over my face. I close my eyes not wanting to see what happens next. I hear the mans voice screaming and the nurse doing the same. I hear footsteps running into the room.

"Stay with us," A female voice says shakily.

"Sam, we love you." Says the male resting a hand on my cheek.

Nothingness dripped into me as I fall into a forever slumber.


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Sat Nov 14, 2015 11:14 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greetings! Holographic Ladybug here for a short review!

This story is not, but I personally feel that this is very weird. It was unique with good descriptions and a solid plot. This is a darn good short story if I've ever read one.




There are, however, a few errors:

'"It's my star patient!" He exclaims his mask moving slightly as he talks.'
'He' should be a lower case word.

'His nurse runs over and says something about a red code into the speaker in the wall as mask clear comes over my face.'
It doesn't quite make sense with 'mask clear'. Did you mean 'clear mask'?

'"Stay with us," A female voice says shakily.'
'A' should not be a capital.

'"Sam, we love you." Says the male resting a hand on my cheek.'
'Says' shouldn't either.



Other than the occasional error, this was a good story. (As I have already stated...) I am personally very curious as to what happened to Sam.




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Fri Oct 09, 2015 3:41 pm
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Z123 wrote a review...



I really like the way you began this story, it made me want to continue the story. It was suspenseful and intriguing, " my heart pounding against my chest when an eruption of fear pours over my body¨. This made me wonder what was happening to the character and was good detail. ¨It's my star patient¨, was very realistic because doctors like to say things like that to make their patients comfortable even though bad may be occurring. ¨Taking peeks at me as they whisper" i can picture this in my head as a reader and i can put myself in Sam's shoes. I believe this story can go many places, you could add more too it and give the scenario that put Sam in the hospital. It was a very good short little story keep up the good work. :)




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Fri Jun 05, 2015 10:14 pm
raevynstar wrote a review...



I liked it. A few awkward phrases (like "mask clear" instead of "clear mask"), but I hope a lot of people find this because it's very good!

The problem:
it's a little confusing. That's it. That and the awkwardness I mentioned are literally the only things I don't like about this.
You're a good writer. Enough said.




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 6:32 pm
emeraldfox wrote a review...



Hello, TinyJarStoredDreams! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!

This was a very interesting short story. I liked how it was in first person so I could tell exactly how the patient responded to all the commotion in the hospital as he died. This story flowed well and was easy to follow. Even though it was so short, I could follow the entire set of plot elements. You had an exposition, rising action, climax, and falling action. This helped build suspense throught the buildup to the climax. You didn't have any spelling or grammar mistakes. You conveyed Sam's story very well to readers.

There were a few small things I'd like to point out, though.
1. When you are using quotes and a tagline, remember not to capitalize the tagline. For example, then you wrote, "'It's my star patient!' He exclaims his mask moving slightly as he talks." the "He" should not be capitalized. This also needs to be corrected in a few other places. When you wrote, "'Stay with us,' A female voice says shakily." the word A should not be capitalized. When you wrote, "'Sam, we love you.' Says the male resting a hand on my cheek." says should not be capitalized.
2. Remember to use commas! In the first paragraph, "fragile body keeping it in place" should have a comma between "body" and "keeping" and "outside taking peeks" should have a comma after "outside". In the second paragraph, "he exclaims" should have a comma after it. In the fourth paragraph, "nurse whispers something to him showing him a clipboard" should have a comma after the first "him". Also in that paragraph, "pulls away from his nurse his face mimicking" should have a comma after "nurse".
3. In the fifth paragraph, "as mask clear comes over my face" didn't make much sense to me. Did you mean to say "as a clear mask comes over my face"?
4. In the fifth paragraph, "mans voice" should be "man's voice".
5. In the seventh paragraph, "Sam, we love you." should not have a period. It should be a comma because when you follow a quote that ends in a period with a tagline (he says, etc. ), it changes to a comma. Although I think you know this rule already, since you did it in all the other dialogue in this story.
6. All of your story was written in the present tense, except for the last sentence, which was in past tense. Try not to shift tenses unless you are showing a flashback.

Sorry that was a lot of corrections, but it shows how much I love this story! I noticed that you mostly write poetry, but I love your short stories, too! You should post some more works on this site because I really enjoy reading and reviewing them! You are a very talented writer, Tiny!

"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders




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Sun Feb 02, 2014 6:39 pm
fictional wrote a review...



Hi person! (warning - long review ahead)

Nitpicks

I'll quote the story but add in my suggestions, grammar-wise. Use as many as you want.

I can feel my heart pounding against my chest when an eruption of fear pours over my body. I am placed in a white room that smells of hand sanitizer and latex gloves. A small white bed holds my fragile body, keeping it in place with a single strap over my chest. Nurses whisper to each other outside, taking peeks at me as they do so. The nurse in blue leaves and comes and jabs something into my arm. Soon my body is filled with new fluids, and it calms me. A man with a blue mask across his face comes in.

"It's my star patient!" he exclaims, his mask moving slightly as he talks.

It's funny that he calls me that, because I've never been here before.

His nurse whispers something to him, showing him a clipboard with words scribbled across pink paper. My stomach moves, and it becomes hard to breathe. The man pulls away from his nurse, his face mimicking my panicked one.

His nurse runs over and says something into the speaker in the wall as something clear comes over my face. I close my eyes, not wanting to see what happens next. I hear the man's voice screaming and the nurse doing the same. I hear footsteps running into the room.

"Stay with us," a female voice says.

"Sam, we love you," says the male.

Then there is nothing.


Note that the last sentence should be present tense, like the rest of the story. Also, work on your comma placement.

Word Choice

This is another thing you should work on. Using vivid words, rather than repeating common ones over and over, will add to the power of the story itself. For example:

"Stay with us," a female voice says.

"Sam, we love you," says the male.


How are they saying it, what expression is in their face? Are they pained, hopeful, trembling? What are they doing and what do they look like?

His nurse runs over and says something into the speaker in the wall as something clear comes over my face.


There are a lot of clear things in the world. Is it gooey, viscous, watery, does it feel like snail slime on your face? Does the nurse declare the "something" or does she hoarsely whisper it? Does she pronounce it slowly? Does she mumble it?

`

All throughout the story, ask yourself these kinds of questions. I understand that you are trying to give a vague quality to the story, but in suspenseful pieces like these, emotion is extremely important. The dazed, half-conscious person might not notice what is happening, but he will feel the tenseness of the air, the blur of color around him, etc.

Sentence Structure

Also work on varying your sentences; they are mostly the same length and set up similarly. Try starting some with a word that ends in -ly, maybe throw in a couple fragments. Experiment, have fun with it!

Overall

This story's strong point is its plot. It definitely has a lot of potential, and if you work on your grammar, word choice, etc. it can metamorphosize into something brilliant. Keep on writing!!






Thanks! I've changed it a bit, I didn't even realize those until you pointed it out.



fictional says...


:)



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Sun Feb 02, 2014 5:27 pm
rhiasofia wrote a review...



Hey there! Rhia here to review.

Okay, I'm going to go through and edit some technical stuff.

I can feel my heart pounding against my chest when an eruption of fear pours over my body. I am placed in a white room that smells of hand sanitizer and latex gloves. A small white bed holds my fragile body, keeping it in place with a single strap over my chest. Nurses whisper to each other outside, taking PEEKS at me as they do so. The nurse in the blue leaves and comes and jabs something into my arm. Soon my body is filled with new fluids and it calms me. A man with a blue mask across his face comes in.

"It's my star PATIENT!" He exclaims his mask moving slightly as he talks.

It's funny that he calls me that because I've never been here before.

His nurse whispers something to him, showing him a clipboard with words scribbled across pink pieces of paper. My stomach moves and it becomes hard to breathe. The man pulls away from his nurse, his face mimicking my panicked one.

His nurse runs over and says something into the speaker in the wall as something clear comes over my face. I close my eyes, not wanting to see what happens next. I hear the man's voice screaming and the nurse doing the same. I hear footsteps running into the room.

"Stay with us," A female voice says.

"Sam, we love you." Says the male.

Then there was nothing.

I couldn't figure out how to change the font color, so I bolded the misspellings, then just added a few commas and apostrophes you were missing. Hope it helps!





If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
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