The infection feasts over the world
Like a flock of birds after the last worm.
But the infection is more needy than the birds.
It doesn't stop after it eats the worm,
It keeps going
And going
And going
Till the only thing left will be bones and dirt.
It rages past the fires in California,
It spreads faster than the winds in Wyoming,
And is more powerful than love.
The infection kills,
Kills our souls,
not our bodies.
Our bodies will live on,
But they won't be our bodies any more.
We are dead.
The bodies carry on,
So people who lose their bodies too can come and visit the dead.
If their lucky,
They can even join the dead,
forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hey there!
Stopped by to review(:
I love the way you used the whole 'the early bird gets the worm' thing! Allusions are not easy to manipulate, but you have done very well. You brought the clear vigor of 'catching the worm' and twisted it into a darker greed. Beautiful.
I'm not very good at explaining this part, but the portion here:
and
are too literal. It is, in essence the difference between a lyrical poem and a song. Not easy to do, but you should try to condense it, to draw out the essence of what you want to say, as raw as you possibly can. ( I just noticed DreamWork said something similar beforehand.) My version of saying make it more poetic XD
Those three lines in the middle were probably the strongest in imagery,
but its effect was not really sustained. To bring across that feeling of ravaging, devouring illness, you should probably sustain the image more consistently. Not entirely, but just a few hints here and there on the image of fire towards the end so that all the feelings get summed up in a nice package.
On the whole, great poem! Hope to see more
Keep Writing~
-Binder
I like this work,its very nice but this little peev of mine is going to bug me until i say something about it.In the third line from the bottom,you have their instead of they're,but i really liked this it was awesome.
Hi there, a short review on your poem. Well, I like the concept you make here. I think I almost got it, but yet you still have to make it clear and strong to bring sense in every words you use.
Look at this part. I understand the message you want to convey but the diction still need some improvement. Make it in a poetic way(of course the hardest part for me too) and try to use some figurative language to enhance the poem. The same with the last part of the poem.
Overall, like what I said I love your poem. Keep it up
Kudos, cheers.
This is a really interesting poem. I like the topic. It's creepy yet beautiful.
I loved the lines:
"It rages past the fires in California,
It spread faster than the winds in Wyoming,
And is more powerful than love."
They're very descriptive and well written. The only thing I would suggest is an s at at the end of spread. Nice job!