i can barely remember
the time when my face was still round and pudgy
and you could find constellations in my freckles
under my eyes bigger than my dreams.
i know it was then
that your wealth was measured
in pokemon cards and silly bands
and you could rule a kingdom
by running the quickest during freeze tag.
the popular kids were the ones
who make the most kids laugh
or drew the best.
it was all so much simpler then.
i can clearly remember
(and i wish I could forget)
when girls and boys decided they liked each other
and it wasn't gross to hold hands anymore.
i had to stop hanging out with my guys friends
if i didn't want to be teased
and sung the stupid rhyme about sitting in trees together.
i was no longer popular because i could draw,
but rather i was weird
because of my doodles in my notebooks,
the fact that i knew the answers
so i raised my hand and participated,
and still played sports in gym class
even though "i was no good at it."
i was put into a category,
why, i couldn't tell you.
i was now a "nerd",
and that was that.
i was also weird because i didn't like anyone,
but back then, i was just ignored.
things were weird
and overly complicated then,
like we were playing a game
i didn't know the rules to.
i don't even want to recall
when the above became magnified
and swear words became common vocabulary.
i was now "gay"
(even though i thought it just meant happy
because that's how i read it in narnia
and what my mom and the dictionary said)
because i didn't like guys,
but i just wasn't ready for a "boyfriend" yet,
that was all.
i was made fun of for my beliefs,
like when i stood up for my choice to not swear,
or when i said i wasn't allowed to date until college.
i was told to stop trying to be so perfect,
go make some mistakes,
live a little.
i said no.
they laughed and bullied me some more.
the game is getting too complicated,
and now the rules keep changing.
and i'm not through yet.