Young Writers Society

The prettiest of things often have the ugliest of “hearts” and “souls”.This isn’t true for everything of course.But it’s very crushing to see something you love crush you to pieces.So you crush the object before it can crush you.You rip it away until it’s nothing at all.Just crusted and broken petals that look like leaves.This was funner to read because a rose is my favorite flower.I hope that you have a fulfilling and lovely day and night.

A tragic poem which dissects te soul of a deceived or deluded lover. There's rain in the background that though mostly accepted as a romantic period here is the symbol of incessant tears.The rose its the romantic element which seems to reduce its volume with each passing moment by dropping each petal in the bottomless abyss of rain water n loose its colour. The heart of a girl cheated in love is unveiled beautifully in this poem.

Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.

Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure it's true
by being extra careful.

That having been said:

I must admit that I love this poem concerning how one can be fooled by someone considered special only to find out later that it was all a lie. I am very impressed by the way the extended metaphor is gradually developed and skillfully brought to a satisfying coherently developed conclusion.

I am also greatly impressed by the skillful way that it is seamlessly rhymed in an abab pattern and how the sentences are enjambed within that pattern so that it sounds conversational and not like some robotic metronome.

That makes the expressions of the ideas and emotions come across as sincere and not as some desperate struggle with rhyme and meter taking precedence and forcing the poet into saying things in ways just because he has to.

If I were your English composition teacher I would give you an A plus.



Suggestions

The word “rose" occurs seven times. Using at least two pronouns would be nice.

Careful with run-on sentences,
https://www.thoughtco.com/run-on-senten ... ge-1692069

....through the relentless rain [t]hat's coming down....

....cries for help [m]atching the inner twistedness....

....fall to the ground, [w]atching the colors....

Hi, Queenie. manilla here for a review. This piece really reminded me of some fantasy-dystopia novel I read not too long ago...Red Queen? Throne of Glass? Crown of Midnight? Anyway, let's get into the review.

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This poem was centered around a really strong element - The red rose. There's a lot of symbolism surrounding it as well, and that's what I like. There's something bigger, something more.The aesthetic of this poem was pleasing to me as well.

Let's get the rid of the nitpicky things as usual.

"through the relentless rain.

That's coming down with horrifying haste,"

"That's coming down with horrifying haste,

hood up, trying to conceal my pain."

"But you didn't notice the thorns, the rose's true duty,

until it was too late, that rose had already torn you apart."

"Watching the colors fade and the thorns break,

picking it apart in the pounding rain, letting that rose drown."

Hey Queenie!

I just wanted to say that your flow is really nice. I have a few critiques but nothing much. It's mostly wording issues so hopefully you don't mind hearing me out.

*my comments are in bold

I walk at a brisk pace,

through the relentless rain.
I wouldn't put a period here but instead a comma since it doesn't really made sense otherwise.
That's coming down with horrifying haste,

hood up, trying to conceal my pain.
I would put a period or semicolon instead of a comma and add 'I'm' before "trying since I think that makes a lot more sense grammatically (though grammar is very subjective when it comes to poetry it's still important that your sentences make sense and also since I noticed you use standard grammar I figured you wouldn't mind me correcting you)

But the bloodshot redness of my eyes,

pleads a different story, cries for help.
I would put a dash instead of a comma or put a period and add 'It' before "cries".
Matching the inner twistedness that in my soul lies,
"Twistedness" is a bit of a mouthful maybe you could find a different one instead. Also the repetition of 'ness' doesn't sound that great.
every time I hold the rose that makes my heart yelp.
I wouldn't use the word "yelp". I just immediately imagined a puppy whose tail has been stepped on and I just don't think it fits the poem.

That rose who at first sight is seen as a beauty,
I would put a comma after "rose"
so you trust that rose with all your heart.
The first and second line of this stanza don't make sense. I would reword it, for example: That rose is first seen as a beauty, [line break] they put their trust in [her/it] with all their heart. Or you could use 'you' instead of 'they', whatever you want.
But you didn't notice the thorns, the rose's true duty,
The word "duty" doesn't really make sense also I would make those commas dashes.
until it was too late, that rose had already torn you apart.
That comma should be a period or you can make that comma a dash (but that might be too many dashes, haha).

Now with each step I take,

I let a rose petal fall to the ground.
I don't quite understand why the narrator says a rose petal specifically when all the narrator has talked about was the rose in general and not it's petals or leaves or any other part of a rose. I wonder if I'm missing the meaning behind this.
Watching the colors fade and the thorns break,
I think you'd have to watch for a long time to see a rose petal's color fade, that is, unless you crush it or something but even then I wouldn't say the color is fading.
picking it apart in the pounding rain, letting that rose drown.
Is that rain picking the petal apart? Also I'd add a dash instead of the comma or put a period and add 'I' before "letting". The reason why I keep suggesting that you add dashed is because of the way you've written this poem. I don't have to overkill the poem with dashes but I also don't want to ruin these nice cut offs that add a distinct flow to your poem.