in the picture
we smiled, we laughed
you chased me across the sand
the water lapped lightly over our feet
the sun shone brightly down upon us
~
now as I stand where we stood
my face void of anything but sorrow
letting myself sink into the sand
searching for our footprints
but no, silly me, the waves stole those from us too
~
my feet lead me to the surf shop
my hands hand over money for a board
remember, you were the one who taught me
taught me to be fearless, to jump right into the waves
but look where that got you
~
the waves are calm today, so unlike the ones that day
back then I was like you, I lived for danger
we braved those waves together
but you, you weren’t thinking straight
you misjudged that monster
~
that wave swallowed you whole
drowned you a thousand times
pulled you under, wouldn’t let go
but I saw that, I saw where you disappeared
and I frantically dove for you
~
but it was too late, I was too late
you lay limp in my arms
even the doctors couldn’t wake you
couldn’t let me say goodbye
they just watched, as part of me died
~
today I'm not so sure I'm surfing
sure, I'm on a board in the water
but I don’t stand, I don’t race over waves
instead, I sit, knees to chest
rocking back and forth, back and forth
~
I bet you’d laugh at me for being so emotional
and I'm sure I'd smile a little
as I'd wipe my tears away
telling you they were just rain drops
again you’d laugh, lifting my soul a little higher
~
I find myself with a ghost of a smile
my well of tears finally dry
I head back to the beach
and walk for hours carving our footprints
where they were and where they should have been
never letting my memory of you wash away
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi!
Ok so I love this poem and it reminds me of a lot of things in my life.
Like a few people have mentioned, the line "stabbed at you a thousand times" is a bit weak because a wave can't stab at you. I think if you used a word like swallowed or engulfed, it would pack a better punch and capture the reader. I would only use stabbed if you were trying to describe a massive rocky storm, which in this case I don't think you are (I could be wrong though).
I really love the last stanza and how you talk about carving footprints, but maybe instead of carving you can use tracing? I feel like carving would be used if this is the first time you're stepping in those spots.
This is a beautiful poem, and I hope you continue to write with this much passion in your voice!
Heya Queenie! It's Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
In the first stanza, you said,
I think it'd be kind of hard to capture all this in a photograph. It's just what I think, though.
How exactly does a wave stab? (I actually really don't know, does it?)
And... wow. That was beautiful and I loved it. I barely have any criticism for you, and that's how you know this is great. The rhythm, the layout, and your stylistic choices (even your tilde [~] page break looked like a wave) all matched up to form an amazing poem. Keep writing, I'm looking forward to it. :3
Saruka
This is a really good poem, it captured the grief perfectly I loved it
I think this sounds clumsy because later in the sentence you contradict the first part by saying that the speaker is filled with sorrow. I would reword that.I just have a few edits to suggest:
I would change the verb because water doesn't 'stab,' i think 'swallow' or 'drown' would be more accurate.
I loved this bit here, it conveys how doctors who spend years in medical training couldn't save the victim :
Ahh I love the contrast from the beginning :
This is very good keep on writing !!
Thanks for the review!
That is very good. I think you did an impressive job expressing the grief that comes with losing someone (at least that is what I am assuming your goal was). Though it is not the same, your poem puts me in mind of Metallica's Until It Sleeps. The only thing I would nitpick over is your not capitalizing the I(s). That is about it, otherwise, Great poem!
Thanks for the comment!