Body crimpled, eyes in shades of blue
Dark, damp cell, chains stained crimson
With blood, my blood
Stomach churns
~
Memories from that night
The walk. Blinding hands. Muffled screams.
Let. Me. Go.
Blow to the head. Dizzy stars. Nothing. Pain.
~
Your voice echoing inside my mind
Obedience equals no pain
No pain? Yeah right
My bloody wrists lying in plain sight
~
Glancing at your hand
I watch you scribble in horrid print
A note straight from the devil’s lair
Demanding what cannot be
~
You wish to bargain with a life, you fool
To trade for the impossible
My family to fall for this
No. They can’t. Must. Stop. This.
~
Crimson washes out my vision
Dark, damp seeping through my chest
Burying that knife deep, deep down
My soul on angel’s wings, flying out of sight
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139,825 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Trapped in a chokehold “relationship” keeping you imprisoned till you can’t feel anything.You forget yourself.You forget your purpose.You sink to the ground in despair surrounded by your remains of what you once were,beaten and defeated.Only if you use what little remaining strength you have left to escape will you be free.Otherwise it’s an unpleasant death alone.I wish you a beautiful and lovely day and night.
Hi Queenie! Scarlett here to review you poetry this Review Day!
Okay first off, when reading this, it just doesn't seem to work for me. It's very disjointed and disorientated, but I suppose that might be the point? I don't know. But I am pretty sure you could make this less disjointed while still keeping the feel of disorientation. The flow is extremely off because of this disjointed narrative, so it completely throws me off when I'm trying to read it. I honestly feel like there was a better way to do this, and to get your point across.
Secondly, you have no punctuation where you actually need it, which also completely throws me off when reading. I can't tell where you want me to pause or not pause. It makes it difficult to read. I'd suggest reading it out loud, but I guess with the way it's written, that does make it hard to see where you need to improve things. I feel like you've forgotten to put half your punctuation in?
Here's an example or two of where you need more punctuation.
The one has none at all. I don't really know for sure, but I feel like that first line is a fragment? Because it doesn't really flow into the next line smoothly? Also, I think "crimpled" is probably supposed to be "crumpled"?
Here's another example. You have punctuation, but you're missing half it. How am I suppose to read the first few lines? Where do I pause? Is that a fragment sentence? You see what I mean here? Proper punctuation helps clarify how you intend for your poetry to be read, how it flows, when to pause, etc. So I'm asking you to please clarify on this. It'll help a lot.
And that's about all the advice I feel I can give now. I suggest trying to make this less disjointed. I'm sure you could get these feelings across without losing half the meaning of your poem by having such disjointed and incomplete lines. I think that's my biggest problem with this poem. It's too disjointed, which takes away from the impact of the poem.
Anyways, I hope this helps. And remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Hey there, Queenie. I'm here for a review!
I see the main narrative of this piece as this: someone was kidnapped, and (hint from the title), their kidnapper is writing a ransom note, but the prisoner does not want this plan to go through, so they kill themselves before the kidnapper can threaten for the money.
Now, the first two thoughts I'm hit with after this are: hey, the kidnapper could still threaten for money if the family doesn't know that the prisoner died, AND what kind of situation would it be where the person would not hope to be reunited with their family, where their family keeping the money is more important than their own life? For these two thoughts, I'm having a hard time buying the main narrative, but I'll look past it for now.
I enjoy your choice to keep the stanzas short and to jump around in time between them. It feels like a scene in a video game or in a movie where each time the screen's eyes are closed and then opened, we're in a different place/time. I think that's effective because surely kidnapping and this thought process takes a long time, but we don't need to see the whole thing play out.
One thing I'm curious about is why you chose to make the speaker sound so weak and scared at the beginning, but then have them say "horrid print" or "you fool" -- phrases which sound angry and powerful in later stanzas. Are you trying to show a growth of emotion? If so, what prompted this? What prompts the change from scared and hurt to angry and vindictive? I think this shift needs to be displayed to the reader in order for them to buy it and believe in the final action.
I hope these thoughts are helpful to you in some way! If you have questions/comments about this review, please feel free to PM me or reply here. Thanks for sharing, and good luck,
Hannah
I liked the way you put it as " No. They can’t. Must. Stop. This." because that made me read it in a different tone.
There are a few lines that I did not understand. But overall, I think you have written it beautifully.
I kind of had this dark image going on inside my head when I read this poem.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Keep on writing. Good luck.
Thanks for the comment!
Yo, @Queenie! I'll be reviewing this piece for you. Let me start with some quick and easy things, like small nitpicks of my opinion. Then I'll look at some other parts of this piece!
This part, in the first beginning stanza. The last line was a little awkward and seemed out of place to the previous context. I think it should be changed in some way, to where it matches the other lines. Something possibly like:
Body crimpled, eyes in shades of blue
Dark, damp cell, chains stained crimson
With blood, my blood
That makes my stomach churn.
Add are between "wrists" and "lying". It will make more sense and coordinate better with the other line.
This part seems to get a little confusing. The wording sounds messed up. Did you mean something along the lines of "My family to fall for this? No. They can't. I. Must. Stop. This."
Dark, damp what? Darkness itself? Dampness itself? Maybe rephrase this to make it more clear. I also noticed you used these two words in the first stanza. I think changing up the descriptive words will add more variety! Plus, less repetition and more creativeness.
Wonderful imagery here!
This was a pretty good piece. Well thought out beginning and ending, and good idea in general! Definitely haven't read something like this before. One thing to keep in mind, though, is words that may be missing between others. It may not make sense reading through a line, and that is most likely why (because I saw it happening several times here).
I really liked the ending, especially! Just picturing flying out of sight on angel's wings - what a detailed setting. It did get quite intense towards the middle-end, which I appreciated in this poem. Usually some poetry doesn't have evolution or a huge plot; this one did.
Thank you for sharing this! Sorry this may have been a small review, but I hope it helped anyway! Keep writing.
~BlueSunset
Thanks for the review, and the dark, damp thing is blood.