The walls are grey, concrete
Trapping me inside a nightmare
Metal bars of doubt blocking escape
Heavy chains burdening my soul
~
I’m the only one left
The only one still prisoner
You all broke free
You all won’t help me
~
You all talk with ease
Start up conversations in your sleep
Have millions of friends
Never fumble with words
~
But me, no, I don’t speak
My words are wrong, they jumble up to nonsense
So I listen, just listen
Letting my cloud of silence hang over us
~
But that’s awkward
So you leave
And I’m left to listen to the sound
Of the lock being slammed into place
Trapping me inside myself, forever
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello Queenie
I think the strength of this piece is that it doesn't try to have really flowery language. A lot of times poems will attempt to really build up their diction in order to make a point, so I can really appreciate that this poem doesn't do that. You've got English here, not The Eloquenciance Poetica. I also think that you've picked a really strong subject, so I like that too.
My one nitpick with this poem is that some of your logic is a little flawed when you follow the poem along piece by piece. For instance, if everyone else is chatting and fine with everything going on, then why would "my cloud of silence hang over us" as you put it? The others probably wouldn't notice. If they were silent it would be companionable and comfortable to them, but with you, from "your" point of view [meaning the speaker's point of view] it would seem awkward and difficult because they're the ones who haven't broached the silence.
All in all, I think reading and reviewing more poetry would really benefit you. I see a few things that you're doing that just tell me you haven't explored much poetry yet probably because you've not had the chance. The more you read and review things you like, the better you're going to get at seeing them. If you want, you can also read about poetry in the knowledge base! Here's an article to help get you started: Cliches in Poetry
I hope this helps and if you want to know what else I'm seeing, feel free to ask. I'd love to discuss your poetry with you!
I really loved this poem. I think you did a really good job overall describing how people feel when they're trapped in their own minds. I know I feel this way a lot, and I think it helps to let us understand how others feel, too. I really don't even have any criticism, even if it is constructive! I'd just like you to know that you very accurately described loneliness. I usually don't review much, and I know this isn't much of a review, and I'm sorry, but I think it's very well written. The only suggestion, and it's small, is to put more punctuation to tell when there needs to be stops and accents, if that makes sense.
Thanks for the review!
Hey there, Queenie! How are you?
Since this should be a quite relatable topic to many people, I'd like to start by saying this was a good subject to create into a poem. I'm sure I've seen poetry like this before already, but it was unique in its own way.
I think this would be better with a comma after no.
This line felt very long and chunky. That being said, I think just could be taken out, because it isn't exactly beneficial to this piece. And, it was used in the line after.
Who is us? I thought that this person speaking was the only one left in this "Prison of Silence"? Either change "us" to "me", or mention who "us" is. Previously to this line, I had thought that this person was all alone. Now it appears they are not?
Here in this last verse, the lines didn't seem to be equally spread out? The third line was super long (the longest in the whole poem!). I suggest changing this stanza up, to something like:
But that's awkward, so you leave
And I'm left to listen to the sound
of the lock being slammed into place,
Trapping me inside myself forever.
I also added a period at the end, because it was the finish of the poem, and a comma after the third line. Another thing I would change - the word "awkward". It just doesn't seem poetic in any way, and I think it could be switched out for a different word.
I can definitely see how this poem is important. It has a strong voice, and I can tell where this is coming from. I, myself, am quite a shy person in real life. In fact, I would consider myself to be in this situation a lot of the time. But there was something that tripped me up. You had only one main perspective on this. I know that everyone has their own opinions and looks on things, however, there are different types of "shy". Types may not just be unable to make conversation or friends. One can not like to make eye contact, or not feel comfortable around other people. Or possibly, they don't like to be around strangers. If you ever do feel like adding on to this poem, these are some suggestions you should contemplate!
Punctuation is something that I came across as a slight issue throughout this poem, too. It was in no specific spot, though. I found commas lacking in multiple places. To help the flow of this, I would increase the amount of comma use.
I hope this review helped in some way! This was certainly interesting to read. Have a great day, and continue writing!
~BlueSunset
Thanks for the review, it was really helpful!
I like it! Especially since I'm one of those "Shy people"
. I have no corrections to make.
"The walls are grey, concrete
Trapping me inside a nightmare
Metal bars of doubt blocking escape
Heavy chains burdening my soul"
This is honestly my favorite verse. It tells how hard it is to be shy, and how trapped the person is. I love the feeling of the whole poem.
Keep writing!
Thanks for the review!