hand in hand,
lying face up
under the stars.
i don’t look at you,
you can’t see straight,
stars start swirling
in my ocean of tears.
oh how, oh how
did we get here?
your hand brushes
the dampness off my face.
your touch lingering
leaving a trail of memories
that makes my heartache.
your raspy breaths quicken,
as you let out a soft cry.
this time my fingers move
to wipe your tears
to ease your pain
but as your hand meets mine,
i cave,
wallowing in regret
in despair
in misery
wishing to rewind time,
mourning our past,
as i realize
we’ve reached
the breaking point,
the melancholy moment
where our love
will tear us apart,
again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Honestly, I'm not one to review poetry as I barely know anything about it or how to critique it, and the only reason I clicked on it was because it had the same title as the song by the Joy Division (Which I suppose does strengthen the meaning of your poem). However I did read it and felt it was a very powerful and well-written poem, and it kind of renewed my appreciation for poetry, it being a solid example. The only thing I saw is sometimes you capitalize I and sometimes you don't, so you might want to be a bit more consistent in that regard. Also sometimes you end lines with a period and I took that to be the end of a stanza? I don't really know if you need to capitalize the next line or if its just a personal preference of me, but those are really the only things I could see to critique. Otherwise it was an enjoyable piece nonetheless, and thanks for writing it.
Thanks for the review!
Hey there!
This poem is beautiful and heartbreaking. I love how much you are able to allude through with the short lines that you wrote in!! It really makes me want to know why the speaker and their significant other are decinding to end things, yet it is also relateable to many others and their heartbreaking ends to relationships.
I think you should only add one thing to this poem, but thus is my opinion so please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't match what you want to do stylisticly. I think you should add just a bit of punctuation so that the reader can follow the verse easier. Maybe a comma, dash, or period. Again that is just my opinion, so if you disagree keep it the same. It is a beautifully tragic poem either way!
Thanks for the review
Hey there!
This poem is beautiful and heartbreaking. I love how much you are able to allude through with the short lines that you wrote in!! It really makes me want to know why the speaker and their significant other are decinding to end things, yet it is also relateable to many others and their heartbreaking ends to relationships.
I think you should only add one thing to this poem, but thus is my opinion so please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't match what you want to do stylisticly. I think you should add just a bit of punctuation so that the reader can follow the verse easier. Maybe a comma, dash, or period. Again that is just my opinion, so if you disagree keep it the same. It is a beautifully tragic poem either way!