Dreams

Wow! It’s like I can hear the clock ticking her life away.With each year,each demand,each ticking of the clock,a piece of her dies until there’s nothing at all.Until she simply fades away and one wonders if there was ever a girl at all.Sad,yet true.Parents,if they are good ones,wouldn’t strive for their children to be perfect.They’d love them as is.I hope that you will have a beautiful and fulfilling day and night.

You just put my thoughts into your words. I can totally relate to this piece of writing, especially these days. There's a lot of pressure I am putting myself in right now where I am doubting myself.

I liked these lines the most from the poem:
"She falls from the cliff of confinements,
clouds parting in her wake, unleashing the sun."
I loved how you brought out the idea of isolation in the first stanza too.

Looking forward to read more of your works. Keep writing!

Best wishes,
I

Wow. Just... Wow. I can honestly tell you that this is one of the best and most straightforward poems I've read in a long time. While most poems that deal with suicide are rather cliche, this one has captured me with the concept of her slipping into dreams and not death. brilliantly done.
There are very few things that I would like to see different, but I hope I don't offend you. If i do, I'm sorry!
I like how you compounded words, but I think "emerald-colored leaves" doesn't work very well. I would suggest that you just say, "emerald leaves." It creates a metaphor and adds to the dreamlike quality of the poem. It also removes the feeling of unnecessary repetition; "color" is part of both compounded words.

"A girl with long golden hair swings cautiously,

her feet dangle over the cliff,"

Grammatical error here, i think. It should ideally be "dangling". And a comma after "long".

"the whirling winds of pressure." Hmm. Nice, but this line can be improved. it doesn't sound as good as it could.


"Flooded by others’ influence:" This really doesn't suit your style. I think saying, "flooded by the influences of others" would go better with your poem.

"clouds parting in her wake unleashing the sun." - Brilliant line. Just add a comma after "wake". But this stresses on how she's letting go of negativity and bursting through to her sun-lit dreams. What an amazing image!

What did you mean by, "Tik Tok"? I assumed you were refering to the passage of time. If you were, "Tick, Tock" would strengthen that. Or did you mean anything else?

Overall, I really love this poem. It's great! Keep up the good writing. If I was too critical, I apologize once again! Just trying to help.
Lee out.

Wow Queenie, this is a dark piece! From my understanding of it, a teenage/adolescent girl, unable to bear the parental expectations and pressures of her day-to-day life, jumps to her death. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but that was the impression I got. I really do like your description-- it's just unique enough to avoid being cliche, and just understandable enough to be impressionable to the reader.

Take this line for example: A girl with long golden hair swings cautiously, /

her feet dangle over the cliff, then the city

I love that description! Absolutely adore it. I can easily picture a precipice that this girl is dangling over as she measures the distance below her. It really is excellent how you crafted this sort of city or "dwelling" in the sky that reminds me of Howl's Moving Castle, or something. It gives of an ethereal vibe that I'm into.

A small nitpick for you to consider: In your first stanza, you use the description "sea of pale void". Strictly by the definition of void, a void cannot be pale, nor can it be represented by a sea. I can sense that you're trying to be thorough in your description, but its really not needed. A void is simply the absence of matter. Mastering the art of balance in description is really difficult, but you're almost there. You've got a natural talent for writing poetry and it shows. Good job! I wish you the best of luck on your future writing endeavors.