“Storm the castle,” Cara said in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”
It was early in the morning and Cara, Milo, and George were discussing plans over a cup of tea. Milo hated tea. But he drank it anyway because it was the only drink they could get.
“He’s crazy,” Cara said, turning to George. “You notice that too, right?” George rolled his eyes.
“It’s the perfect time,” Milo said. “We haven’t made a statement in months.”
“Yes, but statements usually involve something smaller,” George replied. “Storming the castle is a declaration of war. That’s not what we want; yet.”
“Yet? That’s not what we want at all!”
“Why do you think we’re doing this, Cara,” Milo said. “Vex should not be in power. We have to do something about that!”
Cara let out an exasperated sigh. “We won’t be able to do that though! Stealing back goods from the guards and saving the citizens from punishments is what we do. It's all we can do at this point. If you want to get rid of Vex you’ll have to get someone older involved too. It'll be too easy to stop a bunch of kids.”
“We would if all of the adults weren’t so scared.”
Cara opened her mouth to retort but thought better of it. Instead she leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms. She could pout all she wanted, but Milo and George had plans for the Myriad. She just had to go along with it.
They all sat in silence, eating the eggs that Jeff made them for breakfast. They weren’t cooked very well, but after Stella left for good, there weren’t many people left that could cook.
“So,” Milo started. “You never did tell me about this prophecy I missed out on.”
Cara looked nervously at George. “Why don’t you tell him.”
“What, you don’t want to deal with the reaction?” George chuckled as Cara shook her head. “Fine.
“Ida stopped by the day you left. She seemed a little out of sorts. She’d never looked like that before, so we were all pretty concerned. We made her tea. Halfway through her cup she told this prophecy:
Through time and terror, Esterwynn has prospered;
leaders loved and leaders lost.
But none less deserving than that of Vex the Warrior.
Love and life he will destroy
and tear his family shred by shred.
Of all those worthy of taking the throne,
there is just one that will answer the call
and save Esterwynn from the dangers around.
A girl with the stars in her eyes will stumble across
and claim her place upon the throne.
George paused and took a sip of tea. It was silent for a few minutes before Milo spoke up.
“That’s it? Doesn’t seem all that bad. It’s actually good! Now we know that someone is coming to take Esterwynn back from Vex – and the rightful leader at that.”
“But there’s more,” George responded. “Let me finish.
She will be the only chance
to defeat the great warrior Vex.
Esterwynn will live or die
with the girl with the stars in her eyes.
Silence fell over the three of them once again. Cara was staring out of the window, strategically sipping her tea. She seemed to be trying to escape the conversation.
Milo’s heart fell after hearing the end of the prophecy. It was like all of his hard work over the years had gone to waste. If only Ida had shared the prophecy years ago. Then he wouldn’t have bothered with the Myriad. All he would’ve had to do was sit around and keep an eye out for the girl of the prophecy.
But would he really be satisfied with that? Could he have just sat back and watched the rest of the world fight off Vex? No; he wasn’t passive – he’d need to do something.
The sound of feet pounding up the stairs broke the silence. The three of them turned simultaneously as Jeff stepped into the loft.
After gathering his breath, he announced, “Ida’s back.”
-------------------------------------------------
A/N: Ugh that was super short, but I think it's the best place to stop. And please tell me what you think of the prophecy! I suck at poetry so I don't know if it's flowy or whatever. I feel like it should be. You know what I mean I'm sure.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi Noelle, I am finally back. Wow this chapter looks so short after reading Pies' chapter. xDDD Anyway, shall we hop into the review!
First off, I don't give a nickel, dime, or penny of if she had tea or not. It doesn't have anything at all to do with the story. Secondly, did they seriously memorize the prophecy?
As for your author's note, I have to agree with a previous review, that you could have really expounded much more on this chapter. There could be a lot more emotion and confrontation here. I don't think this is a place where a cliff-hanger fits. The whole chapter feels rushed. Slow it down
As for the poem, I thought it was pretty good. Not too flowery, now all rhymy and sweet either. AT the same time, it seems pretty annoying. If this girl is the one who will save the world (and we know prophecies never come wrong) then . . . .that's it I guess. What is Milo to do. No doubt he'll run into the girl and help her, right? I don't know, it just feels . . . disappointing I guess. But I am off to the next chapter!
~Messenger
Hey Noelle! Silver here to review another of your chapters!
This is a pretty short piece so there's not too much to say, and as usual Birky's stolen , most of the nit picks >.>
Main Points
In agreement or disagreement with Cara? I thought it was agreement but then he seems to be supporting Milo later on.
I loved that line!
Let's get to content now, shall we?
Storming the Castle
Alright, so your chapter was short. I felt that it didn't have to be. There were other things that you could have incorporated to make this a little fuller. One of them is: why does Milo have a sudden urge to storm the castle? From what I gather, this isn't part o the Myriad's normal retinue so what prompted him to say that? They're a bunch of kids, surely he wouldn't have made such a bold statement unless he had a trick (a really good one) up his sleeve. When he suggested it, it would've been the perfect time to say why, especially in order too convince some of his critics.
“We haven’t made a statement in months.”
That doesn't really cut it as a reason.
The Prophecy
I LOVE my fantasy. So I've come across my fair share of prophecies. I'm not that great at poetry so can't help you with flowyness
The first thing I noticed was that your prophecy was pretty direct, as in it even says Vex' name in it. From past experience prophecies tend to be a little more vague and less direct.
For example, instead of
How about calling him the Warrior King? Rubbish example I know but you get the gist
A couple more things:
I think it should be “the” girl... as I doubt there are more than one.
I don't know if it's just me but this line seemed a bit “let's hand them information on a plate” to me.
The best thing about your prophecy is that we finally learn how “the stars in her eyes” comes into all of this. I'm looking forward to learning more about her. I also like how it's a girl who's destined to tske the throne and save the day very uncliche (I know it's not a word
Overall, I liked how in this chapter you made it clearer on what the Myriad actually do. I like how you have Cara recognse that they're just kids and are limited in what they can do. I like the character development of Cara. She's the character I'm warming up to most at the moment. I'm eager to see how all of this is going to pan out! Keep it up and happy writing!!
SilverlockHey Noelle! Silver here to review another of your chapters!
This is a pretty short piece so there's not too much to say, and as usual Birky's stolen , most of the nit picks >.>
Main Points
In agreement or disagreement with Cara? I thought it was agreement but then he seems to be supporting Milo later on.
I loved that line!
Let's get to content now, shall we?
Storming the Castle
Alright, so your chapter was short. I felt that it didn't have to be. There were other things that you could have incorporated to make this a little fuller. One of them is: why does Milo have a sudden urge to storm the castle? From what I gather, this isn't part o the Myriad's normal retinue so what prompted him to say that? They're a bunch of kids, surely he wouldn't have made such a bold statement unless he had a trick (a really good one) up his sleeve. When he suggested it, it would've been the perfect time to say why, especially in order too convince some of his critics.
“We haven’t made a statement in months.”
That doesn't really cut it as a reason.
The Prophecy
I LOVE my fantasy. So I've come across my fair share of prophecies. I'm not that great at poetry so can't help you with flowyness
The first thing I noticed was that your prophecy was pretty direct, as in it even says Vex' name in it. From past experience prophecies tend to be a little more vague and less direct.
For example, instead of
I don't know if it's just me but this line seemed a bit “let's hand them information on a plate” to me.
The best thing about your prophecy is that we finally learn how “the stars in her eyes” comes into all of this. I'm looking forward to learning more about her. I also like how it's a girl who's destined to tske the throne and save the day very uncliche (I know it's not a word
Overall, I liked how in this chapter you made it clearer on what the Myriad actually do. I like how you have Cara recognse that they're just kids and are limited in what they can do. I like the character development of Cara. She's the character I'm warming up to most at the moment. I'm eager to see how all of this is going to pan out! Keep it up and happy writing!!
Silverlock
Hello love! I am here, yes I am.
I'm confused by the semicolon. Don't use anything to seperate yet from the rest of the sentence. It's fine as a full sentence.
Change the comma at the end to a question mark.
Alright. It seems Birkh's covered majority of the nitpicks so I'll focus more on the story itself.
You asked for comments on the prophecy and I plan on delivering. I thought it was too lengthy and too descriptive. Thing about prophecies is that they should be vague and short. Majority of the prophecies I've read in books have double meanings or can be deceiving. I'm going to refer to the Percy Jackson books, as I adore Rick Riordan and love the Oracles of Delphi. He's great with making his prophecies short, rhythmy, and to the point. Of course, it's best you put your own creative twist on it so it's unique and yours, but still. If you need pointers, take them for the king. (ilu Percy Jackson series)
You did great with being vague about the girl with stars in her eyes. I like that we finally see how the title of this novel comes into play. But let's see some more emotion. How does this make Milo feel? A girl with stars in her eyes is gonna be impossible to find, if you're thinking literally. So Idas prophecy is obviously hinting at something else, something you have to use your wits to find out. So how does that make Milo feel? Frustrated? Annoyed? Tell us.
The ending is pretty awesome. I do like the fact that Ida is back, as I'm thinking "here comes another prophecy" but what I'm wondering is who she is, really. I hope you give us a bit more about her. How does she have these prophecies? How do people believe her? Is she crazy or normal? Where does she live? Someone like that should be kept somewhere safe, lest enemies get their hands on her.
I'm looking forward to the next installment so let me know when it's out!
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Hey Noelle!
)
I'd drop the last comma.So you finally began your third chapter. That is awesome! It's quite short though, but that's okay, because we finally heard this prophecy. And you mention that kids storming a castle is...crazy.
I guess I'm still a bit disappointed from last time. I'm really not a fan of them being this young. And I don't quite get how they would be the ones helping people. Is Milo a younger Robin Hood? And the Myriad is his merry men! (I would like that
Anyhow, I did like the prophecy though. I wasn't too hyped on that, but it was actually pretty good. It definately brought Cara to my mind, I sort of forget she is a very important key to all of this. Well, I'm guessing she is anyway. Riiight?
Again, pretty short part, so there's not so much I can comment on.
So, I'll just head in and write as I go along:
This would look better as one sentence. Change the period with a comma.
Despite not knowing too much about him, I kind of like George. He seems relatively down to earth.
Though at second glance it becomes apparent, it's a bit tricky to know who is talking here. One would assume it was Milo, as George just spoke and ended with 'yet' which was then picked up again in the following dialogue. Maybe add something else to it?
Edit
Though you continue the dialogue, there should still be a question mark here.
Yeees. Good reasoning. No wonder Cara has stars in her eyes. (Cause she's bright....get it?)
This is something I would like to know more about though. Why are all the adults big chickens? If this Vex is such a bad ruler, one would think others would be displeased with him. Despite the dangers of revolting and such, I think people would at least try something.
Omg! It's Jeff! You totally listened to my thoughtful advise.
Edit
Forgot a quotation mark.
I actually thought the prephecy itself was pretty good. It sounds nice and floats well. However, I don't like the second part. It's like you just tagged it on to get that reaction out of him.
This should be your ending:
I also like how she 'stumbles' upon it.
How do you strategically sip tea? O.o
Omg! And she's been right under his very nose all this time!
Unless you changed location at some point, there was a ladder up to this loft, not stairs.
Yes! Jeff is totally going to be a major character. I think he should be really old. Like, all these other characters are real young, be he's in his 40s. And he's a chef, but when Stella(thomas) was still around he was still the second choice cook because his food is terrible. You like my new ideas?
Okay, that's the first part of your third chapter. I like it.
We finally get to hear this prophecy, the major important character of Jeff made his first appearance, and now Ida is back to pronounce Jeff the new king of the barn.
Alright, since they probably aren't going for a frontal attack at the castle, I'm still pretty interested in what's going on. Looking forward to future parts.
Keep it up, Noelle!
Cheers
Birkhoff