E - Everyone

The Year of the Scorpio - Chapter 1

**There is a prologue and if you read it, there's a slight change I made. Kyra is 15 now instead of 14. And if you haven't read the prologue yet and you want to, check out the link to the right under related items.**

"Remind me again what rule number 7 is."

I roll my eyes and put my head between my hands. "I know the rules, Melvin."

"Remind me again what rule number 7 is." He repeats, this time more forcefully. I look up at him. His face is contorted in a look of frustration. His black hair is in a piled mess on top of his head. The blue eyes that are usually shining bright with enthusiasm are dark and empty. He looks tired. Did he sleep last night?

"Respect the Archaic." I say. I figure that what's he wants to hear, but he doesn't look satisfied. He stands tall, arms crossed, glaring down at me. I wish I wasn't sitting at this desk. I wish they hadn't told us to wait in this classroom. What's the point? Are they trying to make me feel guilt? Is it a reminder that I haven't been to school in years? Surely they don't care about that. It's my own education that I'm ignoring.

But most importantly, if we had been anywhere else, I would've been able to stand across from Melvin, not sit under the heat of his gaze. I feel small, insignificant. This is not fair. I am more important than my partner will ever be. He can try his hardest to move up in rankings, but I will always be the top of the food chain. I'm even more important than the Archaic themselves. Yet no one seems to want to recognize it; like I don't even matter to them.

Melvin is still glaring at me. I'm not able to avoid his look. It's bearing down on me like a hundred pound weight that I can't lift. My partner can be a real annoyance sometimes. Particularly right now. I know what he wants me to say. I only said part of the rule. There's another part, the one part that I never say. It's a powerful word that I don't like to say. But I have to now I suppose or Melvin will never turn away.

"Always." I give no weight to the word. I don't want to. They don't deserve it. I respect many things and people in my life, but the Archaic isn't on my list. They will never have my respect. Too much has happened and the fault is theirs.

"Exactly." Melvin says, finally diverting his gaze. I let out a sigh and place my head back between my hands. This isn't how I wanted everything to turn out. "And you must remember that today. Be nice and respectful. Think you can do that?"

"I don't know, Mel. They haven't been particularly nice to me over the years." I am bitter. I'll admit it. There have been times when the Archaic could've lent a helping hand and they refused. Just last year I asked permission to get into my parents' private storage. I waited two weeks to get an answer. Two weeks! And it ended up being a no. I had to wait two weeks to be denied something that's rightfully mine. My parents are dead. That means I inherit all of their belongings. At least, that's how it should happen.

"Jesus, Kyra, get over yourself!"

"What do you mean, get over myself? You're talkin’ bigger than you should, Melvin."

"That's no way to talk to a superior. Age is power. Rule number 5."

"You and those damn rules!" I roar. Melvin can really get on my nerves at times. "Don't you know that rules are made to be broken?"

"And this is where we end up when you break them," he retorts. "Waiting on death row."

"We're not on death row."

"We mine as well be!" Melvin snaps. He reaches up and runs his fingers through his hair. It doesn't help his hairdo situation. He always does that when he's frustrated. I'll be honest, it happens a lot around me. I know I've done something wrong when his fingers run through his hair. It usually makes me feel guilty and I try to fix it.

This isn't one of those times. I'm stuck in a classroom, sitting a desk, staring at a blank wall, waiting to be called in to the judged by the Archaic. And I haven't done anything wrong. This is not a time for me to be soft. Melvin will always be my partner. He'll get over the fact that I'm mad at him.

And it's not like we haven't had fights before. We've disagree more than we've agreed over the years. Two years we've been working together. We work on commission. Anyone who needs something, we're there to help. For the right price of course.

Melvin calls us bounty hunters. I'm not so sure if I agree with him. Bounty hunters chase after money. They take the highest bid. We chase after adventure. We take the highest risk. It doesn't matter how dangerous the job. There isn't anything that Melvin and I can't handle.

Except for being interrogated by the Archaic apparently. What we do isn't exactly what I would call legal. There are people out there whose job is to protect everyone. They work for the Archaic. We go under the table, behind the back. No one told us to do this. We appointed ourselves. So being called in to see the people who have our lives in their hands -- well we're not too keen on the whole idea.

"Do you understand what they can do to us?" Melvin asks. His back is turned to me and he's talking to the wall. Great, now he doesn't even want to look at me. I guess I really screwed up this time. But I'm so mad that I don't care. Chances are I'm going to make it worse anyway.

"There isn't anything they can do to us."

"You maybe," Melvin says, whirling back around. "Once they realize who you are, you'll be cleared of all charges. Ain't no one gonna put you behind bars. Me? I have no leverage. There's nothing that can save me." He looks so sad, but I don't really care. What's he complaining about anyway? My life is not perfect. If he wants to switch lives with me than that would be wonderful. He can deal with all if this.

"Don't act like you're the only one here with problems."

"Oh, you think you've got problems?" Melvin snaps, his voice getting louder. "Tell me again how everyone recognizes you when you walk through town."

"All they want to talk about is how -- "

"And tell me again about the special assignment that Phillip has for you."

"You're not supposed to know about that!" I hiss. That assignment is top secret. I wonder who Melvin heard about it from.

"Aren't you the big hero too?" Melvin is yelling now. I wish he would stop. "You saved us from the regulars a few years back, right?"

I clench my fists and growl in the back of my throat. "Don't talk to me about that day."

"And tell me, how does it feel going home and knowing that -- "

"I don't have a home to go to! I live on the street!" That shuts him up. I relish in the small victory. He won't be coming for me again.

We sit in silence. I'll admit that I'm nervous. I really don't know why. One of the things Melvin said was the truth: they aren't going to arrest me. The name Maurey still has a certain kind of respect. Even if my parents are no longer alive. Not to mention, Kyra Maurey is the most popular name. I am one of a kind; a hero. They can't put me in jail.

The door to the room suddenly swings open and a guard comes in to escort us out. His hand stays on my back, as well as Melvin's, as he pushes us down the hall. We don't know where we're going. The Archaic don't invite anyone into their chamber. We must be in some deep shit if they requested to see us personally like this.

The hallways are small and tight. They're barely wide enough to fit me and Melvin through. We're squished up against each other, shoulders touching, walking down the hall. He still refuses to talk to me. Or look at me for that matter. I keep trying to get him to look my way. But his eyes stay looking straight ahead. His gaze never wavers. I just want to see if he's scared or not. He may be a tough guy on the outside, but inside he's just a seventeen year old kid.  Just two years older than me.

I slip my hand into his, my fingers lacing through his. Sometimes I forget that that's what we are; kids. I feel like an adult most often times. I squeeze Melvin's hand and wait for him to squeeze back. That's our way of knowing that the other is alright. I wait, but he doesn't squeeze back. My face gets hot. I feel guilty. It's because of me that he's in this situation. Whatever we did to go against the Archaic, I did it. Melvin doesn't decide what jobs we take. That's left up to me. So if we get thrown into jail, it'll be all my fault.

We turn a corner and head down a long hallway. I can see a small blue door at the end with a large letter A on the front. That must be our door. The Archaic will be behind it waiting for us. I stop dead in my tracks, the sight of the door suddenly causing my legs not to work. I can't even force myself to move.

Melvin and the guard keep going. But when he realizes that I've fallen back, Melvin turns around. Pushing past the guard, he comes back to me.

"What's wrong with you?" He grips my forearm tighter than I'm sure he meant to. He tries to pull me back down the hall, but I still won’t budge. He finally gives up and leans his face close to mine. "Don't screw this up for us, okay? Don't chicken out on me." I wish he would let go of me. His grip is too tight on my arm. I know that he's seventeen, making him my superior so I must respect him, but he owes me some respect as well. Isn't that how this all works?

“I don’t want to go in there.” I whisper.

“You’re scared of a bunch of old people, but not of the Scorpio we deal with every week?” Melvin asks. My eyes widen and I smack him on the arm.

“Don’t say that out loud. No one’s supposed to know about that!” I hiss at him. Stefan is a family friend that just happens to be a Scorpio, one of the two rogue Zodiac tribes. I don’t want anyone knowing that we communicate with him. We could get in serious trouble.

Melvin laughs. “Who’s gonna tell? The guard?” He asks, jabbing his thumb back at the boy standing a couple dozen steps away. His arms are crossed and he’s leaning against the wall, staring at the floor. He looks harmless enough, but I don’t trust him. Luckily he’s not a Scorpio. I can feel it. He’s a Leo. “He can’t even hear us.”

“He might.” I counter.

“But that’s not the point!” Melvin says, frustrated. “We’re getting away from the reason we’re here. You were the one who let that man get away with the Book of the Zodiac, so you’re the one they want to talk to. Besides, who am I? We’ve already established that I’m a nobody.” He sighs and looks back at the door down the hall.

I can hear the resentment in his voice. He’s still mad about our argument earlier. That’s not my problem though. If he can’t handle his ideas being challenged, then he doesn’t deserve to be called a Gemini.

“You must go in now.” The guard says suddenly, walking towards us. “The Archaic will not wait any longer.” Before I can even think of a way to fight against him, I am being led towards the blue door.

My heart pounds with every step we take. I’m running through every possible outcome in my mind. It should calm me, but it doesn’t. I just feel worse. Melvin is muttering under his breath. I guess that’s his way of staying calm. I can’t even hear what he’s saying, but I really don’t care. This isn’t about him, it’s about me.

We finally reach the blue door. Now that we’re closer, I notice that there is a number plate under the A. It reads 008. The number means nothing to me, but it must mean something to someone.

“I must leave you now.” The guard says. “You can walk in.” I was hoping that he would leave after saying that, but he doesn’t. He stays standing behind us, waiting for us to go in. I turn to look at Melvin. He has a grim smile on his face as he motions towards the door.

I turn, take a deep breath, and open the door.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
IceWinifredd
Review

Okay, I'm totally hooked onto this story! I wonder what it is that the Archaic will do/say? And this Stefan the Scorpio guy...he seems so freaking mysterious! I have a feeling that he'll have a recurring role throughout the story and that he'll also a key character later on. I can't help with wiggle around with excitement in my seat. Great job so far, Ms. Noelle. Now for the serious stuff. I like that your character so far are very realistic and not at all two-dimensional and flat. They have realistic personalities that are shown in the little things that they do or say like with Melvin's grumbling under his breath to stay calm or Kyra's lack of caring for his feelings because she's too angry at the moment. Although, I was sure that Melvin was either a Capricorn or a Virgo. Never guessed a Gemini lol. Overall, besides the few and minor spelling errors, it was a very good read. I will be moving on to the next chapter. Happy writing. -IceWinifredd

P.S. I'm super happy to see that there is someone else on this sight who has a Zodiac story like I do. (:

Well written, especially since it's in present tense, difficult if I say so myself. I also think that the characters are really give, I guess character. I can tell what they would say in a given situation and they sound like real teens. There were a few spelling or grammar mistakes throughout but they should be easy to fix. I shall continue reading!

Heya, once again!

Saw your post on my wall and had to come check it out. I'm glad I did. I'd like to congratulate you on your seriously good dialogue, first up. Not for a second did it seem forced and rolled around smoothly, with your characters staying true to their natures. Good dialogue goes a long way to making a story interesting, so for that, two thumbs up.

You should check through your dialogue, though, for the grammatical mistake of ending a quotation with a period and then writing "he/she says". Quite a lot of that in there, and it is immensely irritating for the reader while being extremely easy to fix. Go through each spot of speech and swap 'em commas for periods where they should be.

I write by the rule of thumb: start every story in the middle of action/tension. There's no better way to learn about a character's personality than when they are in a stressful situation and I'm happy you chose this approach in this here novel of your's. I like Kyra's clashing self-importance and quelled care for her partner, Melvin. Oh, random interjection: I first thought that Melvin was Kyra's professor, haha. What with you describing the classroom and Melvin's sharp inquiries together with Kyra's disregard. It's not really a major issue, as it becomes quite clear later on, but just a small thing to look into if it's not done on purpose.

Back on track. So, um, yeah, I like the initial set-up and the small cliff-hanger at the end, as well as the character interactions. The guard was reeeally stony, though - even if he is a minor side character, he still felt less alive than the blue door the two protagonists were heading toward, and I think you should give him more of a persona. Just a smidgen.

Stylistic choices and stuff like that up ahead. Let's dive in.

Melvin is still glaring at me. I'm not able to avoid his look. It's bearing down on me like a hundred pound weight that I can't lift. My partner can be a real annoyance sometimes. Particularly right now. I know what he wants me to say. I only said part of the rule. There's another part, the one part that I never say[/blue]. It's a powerful word that [color=blue]I don't like to say. But I have to now I suppose or Melvin will never turn away.


This whole part is made up of short. Striking. Sentences. And while it works up to a point in conveying Kyra's mood, it gets annoying towards the end. Either combine just two of these sentences, or elongate one to break the flow - or rather, lack of flow - of the short sentences. Oh, and in the parts I highlighted in blue, you use a very similar phrase to end two subsequent sentences. I suggest changing one or the other, as it stands now, there's an uncomfortable jolt.

"Always." I give no weight to the word. I don't want to. They don't deserve it. I respect many things and people in my life, but the Archaic isn't on my list. They will never have my respect. Too much has happened and the fault is theirs.


I really like this part. Good building of Kyra's character through a nice device. Nothing to correct, just wanted to point it out as something that caught my eye. :)

Great, now he doesn't even want to look at me. I guess I really screwed up this time. But I'm so mad that I don't care. Chances are I'm going to make it worse anyway.


So, I bolded one sentence from this quote, and I'm still trying to figure out what bothers me about it. When I'm mad, I don't think "I'm mad", I kick things around and yell and try to restrain myself from actually doing anything of the above. I guess the line just seems unrealistic to me, and seems like it should be coming from the mouth of a third-person narrator. This is just a gut-feeling of mine, though, and take it as only such. Also, the sentence after the bolded one seems contradictory. First stating that she doesn't care, and then reflecting on how she will probably make it worse, which is basically the same as caring. If not an intentional struggle between her egoism and care for her partner, look into it.

"You're not supposed to know about that!" I hiss. That assignment is top secret. I wonder who Melvin heard about it from.


After hissing, a clearly negative way of saying something, Kyra flits off into a passive wondering. When I think 'wonder', I think finger-in-mouth-gazing-at-the-sky-moment. It seems to passive of a verb in this instance. Go for something along the lines of: "That assignment is top secret. How could Melvin possibly know about it?" or, keeping the same vibe: "From who could he have possibly heard about it?"

Sometimes I forget that that's what we are: kids.


Switched the semi-colon for a double-dot thingy, makes more sense.

I stop dead in my tracks, the sight of the door suddenly causing my legs not to work.


'Causing my legs not to work' is very robotic of you. Put some more emotion into it since this arrest of her legs is not a physical shock, but an emotional one.

“But that’s not the point!” Melvin says, frustrated. “We’re getting away from the reason we’re here. You were the one who let that man [color=blue]get away
with the Book of the Zodiac, so you’re the one they want to talk to. Besides, who am I? We’ve already established that I’m a nobody.”[/quote]

Again, same phrase, subsequent sentences, in blue. Change the first one, as 'getting away from the reason' sounds a bit off. Also, I really like Melvin's character. That last two sentences of this speech say a lot about his personality, and I like it. Alsoalso, the Book of the Zodiac? That sounds awfully important. And Kyra lost it? Uhoh, I sense something interesting. :D I like how you sneak these little snippets of information into the speech. Definitely one of those fiendishly clever parts that make the reader sit a little straighter in their chair - or at least lift an eyebrow, if they're less dramatic.

“You must go in now.” The guard says suddenly, walking towards us. “The Archaic will not wait any longer.”


I think the 'suddenly' and the statement "The Archaic will not wait any longer." here is what's making this guard seem like a robot to me. It's like he's first leaning against the wall, not really caring, then suddenly going BEEP, you must go now, I just got a message wired to me by the Archaics, they say they are bored. Did he have a set amount of time he could allow the two protagonists to converse given to him prior to escorting them to the door? Or did he get the information wired to him? Give the guard a solid reason to think this, be it him being reluctant to let the two stop in the first place or him hearing a sound from beyond the door. Maybe have him talking into a phone or walkie-talkie or whatever. As it stands now, it just sounds unrealistic.

He has a grim smile on his face as he motions towards the door.

I turn, take a deep breath, and open the door.


Both sentences end in 'the door' and the slight jolt takes a lot away from the impact of the cliff-hanger. Either change the second instance to 'it' or change the object from 'door' to something else, like the handle, as in "..., take a deep breath, and grasp the handle."

----

So, to wrap things up, I liked this chapter. It had tension, it had solid character developing, nice foreshadowing and more of Kyra's background. You did a good job with the present-tense narrative as well; I've seen people struggle with it, but this one worked out nicely. Great work. :)

Oh, and I hope my rambling in between comments didn't annoy you too much, as it's what keeps this interesting for me as well, even if it does make for a rather lengthy review. :D

That's my time then; if you've any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Keep writing!

Your's truly,
Life.

Sorry about the blue color spazzing out. The codes should be fine, but something just went wrong somewhere. One quote is messed up as well, and that's all on me, ending a blue code with the end of the quote code. *facepalm* I tried editing it, but apparently the URL was too long for the site to handle after editing, so no can do, I'm afraid. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Thanks so much for another great review! You're comments help a lot! :)

User avatar
Lyrienne
Review

This was absolutely great. I enjoyed the prologue and I really enjoyed this. I didnt find a lot that bothered me, only that you used the wrong word a few times at the beginning.
I like the lenght. This may sound odd, but I think the lenght of a chapter matters. I try to keep mine at around 11 word pages, but that is personal preference. If a chapter is too short, it almost seems rushed. Too long and it drags on and on. This is a nice lenght.
Another thing I liked was how you immediatly throw the characters into imminent peril. You have us hooked from the very beginning. I find myself wondering what will happen to the characters, what they did (exactly) to piss the Archaic off and who these "old people", and I loved that sentence, truly are. I cant wait for that encounter!
All in all, the first chapter is riveting and I cant wait for the next. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the like! :) I agree with you about how chapter length matter. I usually like to keep my chapters around 11 pages too, but this novel is different than the other novels I've written. The shorter chapters work for this.



Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson