It took just two days for Milo to feel well again. His back was still in pain, but it was a bearable pain. Life couldn’t go on this way forever. He had to get back to the Myriad eventually.
Cara’s mother thankfully didn’t ask many questions and let him stay for that amount of time. She fed him and made sure he was well taken care of. He made sure to thank her for being so hospitable.
He had never noticed how much Cara looked like her mother. They both had the same hairstyle and piercing eyes. The only difference was that Cara’s mother was more kind than Cara.
Cara was less than ecstatic to have Milo around. They had had arguments before, but none like this. She seemed to have taken his absence harder than he had expected. Every time Milo tried to talk about the Myriad to Cara, she silenced him with a glare.
“Not here,” she hissed. “My mom doesn’t know.”
Milo gaped at her. “You mean you haven’t told her? Where does she think you go?”
“Out with my friends. But what does it matter? My mom is just as scared of the Myriad as everyone else is. I’m pretty sure she’s disown me if she ever found out.
That was the longest conversation that they had in that two day span. And Milo couldn’t stand it anymore. He had been away from the group long enough. He needed to get back to them. For that to happen, he needed Cara back on his side. How could he return without the second most important person to the Myriad?
After spending four full days with Cara, Milo knew that it was time to move on. He needed to get back to the Myriad and fast. There weren’t any reports of them doing anything crazy. They had been silent for days. And that had to change.
Milo laid on the couch in the main room staring up at the ceiling, hands folded over his stomach. There had to be a way that he could get Cara to agree to come with him. He was going no matter what; but he really needed her to come too.
It was nearly midnight, he figured. He couldn’t really tell. There wasn’t a clock in the house. Both Cara and her mother had pocket watches they kept with them at all times.
He decided to leave. It was the perfect time. Cara would cover for him; she always did. And her mother would probably believe whatever she was told.
Quietly, he folded the blankets and stacked them, along with the pillows, on the couch. He thought about leaving a note. But after thinking it over, he decided against it. He didn’t want any information accidently getting out. So he just left.
But he couldn’t walk across the threshold. He stood in the doorway, hand on the doorknob. He couldn’t leave without Cara. It would all be wrong. She had to come with him. It was the only way.
Closing the door, he headed back into the house. It was dark. He had to use a candle to light his way.
When he reached the door to Cara’s room, he hesitated. What if he was going about this wrong? He might not be able to convince her of anything this time. But he shook the doubts from his mind and walked into her room.
Milo looked at her bed, but she wasn’t in it. The sheets were pulled back and the pillows were in a disheveled mess. He was confused for a second, but then he saw her sitting at the window, staring at the sky. The moon shone down on her, wrapping her in a soft, silver light.
“Do you think he’s out there somewhere?” she asked suddenly. Milo was too shocked to answer. How had she known that he was there? She turned away from the window.
“I heard you come in,” she said, nodding at the door. “It’s too late for Mother to still be up.”
“I know he’s out there,” Milo said, referring to Cara’s father. “He has to be. He wasn’t executed; just exiled.”
“Vex wanted to execute him…”
“But that didn’t happen.” Milo sat next to Cara on the window seat. Her head was bent and her gaze was locked on the floor. It was so rare for him to see her emotional side that he wasn’t sure what to do. He wrapped his arm around her awkwardly and she lowered her head onto his shoulder.
There were tears first, but they were shortly followed by silent sobs. Cara seemed more devastated than ever about the state of her father. Something must have triggered the memory. Perhaps it was a bad dream.
Cara’s father was a strong influence against Vex’s rule (much like the Myriad was). He spoke freely throughout the town of the corruption that laid in the ruling body. There were hundreds of people who would show up to hear him speak. In fear of getting caught though, they would simply walk by slow enough to catch a few words or pretend to be interested in something else while listening.
The guards didn’t appreciate what Cara’s father was doing and arrested him. They brought him before Vex for a public hearing. Vex had hoped that there would be a large crowd so he could make a spectacle of Cara’s father. But quite the opposite happened. No one showed up to the trial. They didn’t want to see the most popular man in town on trial for execution.
Because of the poor turnout, Vex exiled Cara’s father. He knew that an execution would be pointless without a crowd to observe it.
Cara had been living without a father for six years. And for many of those years she sat up at night hoping that he would come back. It was a habit that she had broken a few years ago. But tonight was different. She was back to her old ways.
“We need to get rid of him,” Cara said after wiping her tear stricken cheeks. “He can’t get away with this.”
“Who?”
“Vex.” She turned her head so she could look at him. And what Milo saw was the good old Cara he knew; fearless and determined. He grinned at her.
“To the Myriad?”
“To the Myriad.”
-----------------------------------------
Again, this was written with no editing whatsoever since it's for CampNaNo. Please be brutally honest with reviews. Trust me, I can take it! :)
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi Noelle, I'm baaack! Wow did Birkhoff go through this with a fine comb!
Wait, she has a mommy . . . living with her? I thought they were like older. Anyway . . .
Hahahahahaha
I'm sorry, but that is just like . . . ugh. Do something! Those two last sentences are just terrible. Re-write, try to connect the sentence, or do something!
wow, that got emotional quickly. But that was a beautiful meeting. It wasn't in any way romantic, it was just good friendship love! I really enjoyed how you wrote it. They way Milo acted was really realistic. I think it' exactly what I would do, so I felt like you did that scene just right.
Really good chapter. Except for the sentences I showed you, I thought it did a really good job of showing us more to each person's side. However . . . I think that you may have shown Cara's kind side just a little too quickly. Of course this should happen eventually, but I think it would be way more dramatic if you placed it further on. We just got to see how Cara can be so headstrong, so when she flips like this so quickly, it doesn't ave nearly the strength I think it would have in a few chapters.
It's your decision though.
To the Myriad!
~Messenger
Me again. ^^
Okay so I totally forgot to comment on the whipping Milo got! So that's what happened to him. ):< Stupid Vex. Some father. Pfft.
I adore the comparison between Cara and her mother, especially the comment that Cara's mother is nice. I have trouble believing that Cara can be mean; she's just not afraid to speak her mind and remind Milo of his duties and morals. x]
It kinda makes me sad to see that the Myriad isn't a big organization? I mean, is it just run by kids? If the people are afraid of them, like Cara's mother, then what's so scary about them? I'm losing hope in them already. =[ How old is Milo, anyways? Can't be any more than 18, right?
The fact that Cara's dad was one of the first to speak out against Vex's tyranny is awesome! No wonder Cara joined the Myriad. She wants revenge and wants to make her dad proud. I'd do the same. ^^
This is going along very nicely, Noelle! I'm loving it so far. It's got a nice, steady pace and small bits and pieces of Cara's and Milo's past are being revealed. The story is narrated with a smooth flow and I'm just enjoying every chapter I've stumbled across. I can't wait to see how the next part goes about. ^^ Off to read it now!
~Iggy
Hey Noelle!
Well, I saw you posted a new chapter recently....but, not this one. I guess I've fallen behind. Or you have totally kept me out of the loop. I'm guessing because of fear. I understand though, I'm sure my harsh, critical reviews keep you up at night. Along with dreams of Kit Harington. (Girls like Kit Harington, right? Maybe Justin Bieber? Please no.)
Well, this was a pretty short chapter. It may be of similar length as the other ones, but it was a really quick read. There's not a whole lot that happens in it. He pretty much heals and preperes to leave. But that doesn't mean there wasn't anything good in it though.
There was a good amount of character development going on in it. We get to know a bit more about Cara and there is some backstory fused into the story. I especially liked the inclusion of Cara's father, his struggle and consequent exile. I'm hoping he shows up again. And after so many years, that'll be great!
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
Suggestion
To be honest, I feel I read this name one too many times in the opening here. It pops up very often. Oh, and every time I read it, I'm reading it as 'Cera' instead of Cara. I like that name so much better. Change it!
Suggestion
The dialoge is really good. However, I would change this though. Makes it more in tune with the times your story is set in.
Edit
Quick typo.
Edit
Yup, throwing in a full on edit. I think you repeat these names too much.
I'm still unclear on what exactly these Myriads are. Aren't they kind of the rebels trying to end this tyrant king's reign? Why would they be acting crazy? Shouldn't they plan and strategize, amass forces, supplant spies or maybe try to assasinate Vex?
I thought this was a medieval story, right? With dungeons, mad kings and prophecies. For the timeline I'm viewing this, they didn't have watches yet.
Edit
I really love the part in her bedroom where they speak of her father. It is very well written. It's a tender moment between the two, and it doesn't go too far. With something, as you said - maybe a nightmare - triggering her feelings, I'm also buying that she would come with Milo back to the Myriad to pick up the fight.
I thought this seemed pretty weird though. So he's just ranting about with nobody seemingly listening to him? I'm not sure I'd belive him still going on without any affirmation of support.
Yay! Let's go find these guys! I'm sure there's going to be lots of crazy characters. Maybe even someone named Jeff.
That's it for this part. I'm still interested in what is going on, so that's great!
Things can only get better from here on.
Keep it up, Noelle!
Cheers
Birkhoff
I knew I was leaving someone out of the latest chapter post -_- And no, your harsh reviews don't scare me away. I live for them! Keep 'em coming. Seriously. It's nice to have positive reviews, but I don't learn much from them.
So excited to be reading more of your story! I love the direction this is taking and I like that you are keeping a bit of mystery about everything instead of just jumping right into everything all at once. There are, however, a few things to fix:
“ 'Out with my friends. But what does it matter? My mom is just as scared of the Myriad as everyone else is. I’m pretty sure she’s disown me if she ever found out.'
First off, "she's" should be "she'd" and you should have quotation marks after 'out.'
"There weren’t any reports of them doing anything crazy."
You could also say, "There weren't any reports that they had been pulling their usual stunts."
"Milo laid on the couch in the main room staring up at the ceiling, hands folded over his stomach."
"Laid" should be "lay"
"He was going no matter what; but he really needed her to come too."
After 'come' there should be a comma: "...her to come, too."
"He couldn’t really tell. There wasn’t a clock in the house. Both Cara and her mother had pocket watches they kept with them at all times."
These sentences get a bit short and choppy; you might want to combine the two shorter ones with each other or the second short one ("There wasn't...) with the last long sentence.
"He spoke freely throughout the town of the corruption that laid in the ruling body."
"Laid" is referring to a person lying down (but as they had done before; past) so you might want to put instead, "He spoke freely in town about the corruption that existed in the ruling body."
There are very few things to correct. Just try to watch the length of your sentences; sometimes you can take two short sentences and combine them to make the story flow better.
Other than that, it was great and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Keep writing!
Hmm...I don't know what to feel about this chapter. I'll start with the blunt statement and say I felt as if you degraded somewhat since the last two parts. Where those two were really good, this one just feels...there. There's some exposition, but a lot of context feels missing. There's a lot of element's in Cara and Milo's conversation that don't make much sense (it does help flesh out their relationship, so excellent work there!). Similar to the last chapter, you foreshadow a lot of things that I assume will be important, but at the moment it's kind of hard to understand. To quote Ben Croshaw, "I know what all these individual words mean but together they make no sense."
Maybe I'm being too harsh. You do get some good facts in. Milo and Cara are associated with some shady group/organization/cult/roughpartoftown/possibleicecreamparlor called the Myriad and often sneak off to see/talkto/beinit. Her father has been exiled, paving the way for some drama. Funny thing is, all these mysterious elements make me want to keep reading to find out more, so it does help hook readers in. However, some readers may be turned away when they don't really have much of an idea as to what's going on.
The sentence structure seems a little less polished than the previous chapter. They're still well-written, and the descriptions are great, but I feel that more could be done to make them flow as elegantly as they have.
All in all, it's a good chapter. I guess it's just that comparing this chapter to the previous one is like comparing a supernova to a gamma ray burst. Both are immensely bright, but one is a bit more brilliant.
Anyway, keep it up. I look forward to the next part!
Hey Noelle!! Silver here to review for you!!
Main Points
This sounded a little funny. Maybe try something like: and let him stay for the amount of time that he needed." Yeah I know that was a bad example but I tried
"she's" should be "she'll"
*Wags finger* Remember, no starting sentences with "and", even though know how excruciatingly tempting it is. I think "finally" would work better than "and" here anyways.
I've just realised that this is a recurring problem throughout your piece, you keep starting sentences out of dialogue with "but" and "and".
This would work better as one sentence.
This could also work as one sentence.
Overall, I still really love your story!! I think it's amazing. You have a great narrative voice and a really interesting plot going on. I wish I could say more but I have to run! Happy writing!!
Some time later
I'm not sure if you'll see this but I managed to steal some time for myself and thought I'd add a little more to this sad looking review.
Your plot is really interesting. I really like the fact that Milo is Vex's son but seems to be leading a resistance against him. I like how you've made the connection between Milo and Cara clear now and why she's part of the Myriad too. I really like the story about Cara's father and how no-one showed to his execution but I'm left wondering whether an angry king would really call off an execution because nobody showed? I just feel like the reason needs to be stronger than that, unless it's meant to look strange and you've secretly got a reason for it.
Silverlock