A scream rang out through the castle. It belonged to a magician. He was tied to a chair, wrists and ankles bound, in a small room. A single chandelier hung from the ceiling. The floor was covered with sand which the magician found peculiar.
Vaelko stood in the shadows, just outside the circle of light the chandelier produced. He had never let anyone besides the Glass Warriors and dead men see his face. He was a man of secrets and wanted to keep it that way.
He watched the magician curiously. He was an odd fellow, one who seemed to have no self confidence. He wondered how the man had become a magician in the first place. He wasn’t the strongest of spell casters, but he was good enough for Vaelko’s needs.
“Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time,” Vaelko said, the stone on his staff glowing a menacing blue color. “What is it that I need for the spell?”
The magician opened his mouth, but no words came out. His body was shaking uncontrollably. Vaelko laughed.
“Cat got your tongue? Take your time. I can keep you here all day.” His voice was deep and authoritative, but had a hint of delight could be heard as well. He seemed to be enjoying torturing the magician.
“I – I’m not sure what you need,” the magician choked out. “It’s a dangerous spell performed by the best of magicians --” He was cut off by a sharp pain in his head, a pain worse than any migraine he ever had. His hands itched to grip his head, but he could not.
Vaelko stood with a stoned seriousness, watching the man. “That’s enough.” He whispered, the blue glow of the Forever Stone fading. The magician’s shoulders slumped over. He looked like a broken doll.
“You will tell me what I need,” Vaelko demanded. “You know what it is. I wouldn’t have brought you here if you didn’t.”
The magician let out a sound from the back of throat, willing his voice to come. “It is not something you need, it is someone.”
Vaelko’s eyebrows rose in surprise, he couldn’t help it. He had the Forever Stone and Wyard’s sword. Who could possibly have as much power as those two items? He himself would soon be the most powerful magician in Tribecta.
“Who is it?” he asked, his voice just above a whisper.
“Only a descendant of Wyard can use the sword. It is useless to you at this point.”
“And where can I find a descendant of him?”
The magician tried to form the name on his lips, but was unable to. “I cannot speak of their name. There is a protective spell hiding their name from me.”
“Well break it,” Vaelko demanded. “You are a magician, correct?”
“Yes, but this spell is stronger than most. I do not have that kind of power.”
Vaelko roared in frustration. How could he have come so close to his answer just to have it slip out of his fingers? He would need another magician, another five magicians if he needed. He would find a way to combine their powers and use it all against the protective spell.
He desperately needed that name, and he would do anything to get it.
“I would thank you for your cooperation, but you did not supply me with what I needed to know,” Vaelko said coolly before moving to leave the room.
“You didn’t give me time to finish,” the magician said, a newly found confidence in his voice. “I said I couldn’t tell you the name, but I can show you it.”
Vaelko turned and narrowed his eyes. “How so?”
“I can write it in the sand.” He responded, motioning to the floor underneath his chair. It was covered in a layer of sand, something that reminded Vaelko of the beach at Gershwyn, the last province he had overtaken. It added a nice touch to the interrogation room, he thought.
“Very well.” Vaelko splayed out his fingers and the magician’s bonds fell. The man stood and flexed his wrists, testing the newly found freedom. Vaelko rolled his eyes. “Just write the name.”
“Yes, sir.” The magician responded. He crouched down, took a deep breath and began writing. It was painful for him to do. It was easy to find loop holes in protective spells, but there was always a price to pay.
By the time he was finished, his power had been drained and he collapsed.
Vaelko waited a few seconds before stepping into the light. He grinned when he read the name.
“You’re services are much appreciated,” Vaelko said. “Your reward however, is hardly one you would’ve expected.” The magician looked up to see Vaelko standing over him, his piercing blue eyes staring down at him.
The truly horrifying thing about Vaelko was his skin. It was a pale white color, closer to a gray than a ghost white. His chest was covered in scars of various sizes. He was a man of battle.
He raised his staff and pointed the Forever Stone at the magician. The stone turned a deep, navy blue color and the color grew in intensity nearly a hundred fold, forcing the magician to shield his eyes.
“Wait, don’t do that --” the magician cut himself off it seemed, no noise would come out of his mouth. He reached up to his neck and scratched at it desperately. It felt as if someone was choking him, their hands squeezing tighter around his neck. He suddenly began to shake as well as if he was having a seizure. His limbs twisted in a way that was almost humanly impossible.
“I’d say that it was a pleasure to meet you, but I’m not known for having manners,” Vaelko said plainly. “You simply had something I needed.” He watched as the magician struggled to keep himself alive. It amused him, how desperate people are when they’re on death’s doorstep. There was always something better on the other side for them. It’s easier to give into death.
For most at least.
Within a few minutes, the magician had stopped twitching and lay unmoving on the floor, his eyes and mouth opened wide in fear.
“Regrettable,” Vaelko said, walking over the magician’s body. “But necessary.” He looked down at the sand and the name he had been waiting to know for the longest time:
Elle Levine Morris
End of chapter
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,075 Reviews
This is quite a good story. I can see no problems with it. Good job.
This was a very interesting start. I ca't believe i have been reading your novel all this time without actually reading this. Now that i have everything makes sense a lot more. That chapter where Vaelko comes in, i thought his appearance was a bit random but now i can see how it all started. At the start i thought the magician was Demeon but then it turns out to be someone else.
Although i have to say Vaelko seems like two different people. Now he seems sinister, like a leader and evil and all. But when he is outside the city spying he seems weak and pathetic. namely because i don't understand how he has conquered so much places and then has to do the spying himself. It seems unbecoming of someone his rank and status.
Anyway the description is very good. This spells out one of those horrible torture scenes really well. And that is very hard to do. Your novel is not adult or children. It definitely hits the teenage part very well. in other words your target audience are well received. There is always light hearted entertainment in your writing which at times becomes serious like with the death part. I feel for that magician who thought he was going to go free. Poor guy. although he did give in too easily. I thought it would have been better for him to keep quiet after saying there was a protective spell. but then he volunteered to spell it out!
Anyhow having read this the whole novel so far seems to have come toegether well.
Hi, Noelle. I enjoyed your story very much. I'll have to admit that I couldn't stop reading once I started and that's very rare for me. I loved the way you showed the two characters' emotions. So strong that they felt too real. And the best part is that you balanced the show and tell thingy just right. Your story has intrigued me a lot and I am hoping that you will post the first chapter soon.
Hey Noelle!
I tend to start my reviews with complaints, and then move to compliments, so please bear with me.
"A single chandelier hung from the ceiling. The floor was covered with sand which the magician found peculiar."~ I think you could expand on the chandelier. I am a person who appreciates lots of details in writing. Was the chandelier big or small? Fancy or relatively simple? What is it made of? Glass? Crystal? Is the frame silver? Brass? Did it have electric bulbs or candles?
Also the second sentence I mentioned there seems...dry. There's no emotion. I'm not sure what to suggest, except that you should change your order of words, so that 'which' doesn't follow 'sand'. It made me think of sandwiches, not a distressed magician.
"...He had never let anyone besides the Glass Warriors..."~ 'Besides' doesn't feel right here. Maybe 'except' or some other synonym.
Alright, I shall now break custom and give a compliment mid-review. I like this description of Vaelko. It gives a short insight into his cold, mysterious personality, without revealing too much. I also like your comment about dead men being the only ones to see his face, aside from the Glass Warriors. It helps make him feel forboding.
"He watched the magician curiously. He was an odd fellow, one who seemed to have no self confidence. He wondered how the man had become a magician in the first place. He wasn’t the strongest of spell casters, but he was good enough for Vaelko’s needs."~ These sentences are too short. I've been told that periods are 'full stops' so to speak, and that it helps your reader get more into your story if you use commas and semi-colons if possible.
The second sentence in this paragraph is difficult to understand. Who's an odd fellow? In the previous and following sentences, 'he' seems to mean Vaelko; but you're describing the magician. I would also take this opportunity to describe the wizard. Describe what Vaelko saw when he looked at the magician. (Is the magician old or young? Is he harmed from the capture, or perfectly well? Does he have a beard? What color? Wrinkles? What is he wearing?)
"His voice was deep and authoritative, but had a hint of delight could be heard as well. He seemed to be enjoying torturing the magician."~ I like this description, but it's written oddly. I have a hard time keeping my syntax straight, so I'm not sure how you could combine these better; but 'but had a hint...as well' seems like a side note that you just tacked on the end. And perhaps you could try, "He seemed to enjoy torturing the magician" or "He seemed to be enjoying this opportunity to torture the magician."
"His hands itched to grip his head, but he could not."~ 'itched' detracts from this sentence, since 'itched' technically isn't a correct way to express a deep want (though I use it too :p). Perhaps 'longed' would be better.
Alright, so I kind of assumed that Vaelko was inflicting the headache, but I think you should add it a bit, since he spoke to end it.
"That’s enough.” He whispered, the blue glow of the Forever Stone fading. "~ Also, this Forever Stone just comes out of the blue. You mentioned a stone before, but not what it did or where it came from, or that it had magical properties. I didn't think it was important, because it was sort of mentioned in passing. Very little description.
"The magician’s shoulders slumped over. He looked like a broken doll."~ I'd combine these sentences, "...slumped over; making him look like...".
"“You will tell me what I need,” Vaelko demanded."~ 'Demanded' is more like a direct order. This feels more like a threat'.
"Well break it,” Vaelko demanded."~ Again, this doesn't really feel like a demand, though I suppose it technically is. Maybe 'ordered' or something.
"He would need another magician, another five magicians if he needed."~ I think I'd change 'need another' to 'get another'. He'd get another magician, five if he needed them.
Again I'll break my custom to say that I like the way you explained the sand here. It was a good detail, and you tied it back in very well.
"By the time he was finished, his power had been drained and he collapsed."~ Whoa! In one sentence he went from having a headache to lying on the floor completely exhausted? SLOW it down!
"The truly horrifying thing about Vaelko was his skin. It was a pale white color, closer to a gray than a ghost white. His chest was covered in scars of various sizes. He was a man of battle."~ You're 'telling' here. Don't 'tell' us, 'show' us. Write how the magician was horrified to see Vaelko, don't just saw that Vaelko was horrifying (did that make sense?).
"that was almost humanly impossible."~ This is a really strange way to say it. You should change 'humanly impossible'.
"but I’m not known for having manners,” Vaelko said plainly."~ Firstly, everyone has manners. Vaelko just has particularly bad ones. Secondly Vaelko seems to be enjoying this. Maybe use a stronger word than 'said plainly'. Maybe 'sneered' or something.
"Within a few minutes."~ It wouldn't take minutes to strangle someone.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi!
Okay, so over all I liked your story. It's very interesting and I really like the names. You have definitely set up a good suspense, and I'm eager to read more. My main complaints, over all, is a lack of description (It wasn't bad, it just wasn't amazing).
I hope this wasn't too harsh. I do really like your story.
If you have any questions or need any help feel free to PM.
Keep writing,
~Shady