**This is my novel for Camp NaNoWriMo for the month of April. It's just straight writing, barely any editing (I leave all the editing for when I finish it). Tear it apart if you must. I know it'll need a lot of work.**
Before he knew it, Milo was being pulled into a standing position. The sudden jerk sent pain shooting through his body, setting his back on fire. He roared in pain before clamping his mouth shut. It was nearly unbearable, but he could manage for now. Pain showed weakness. And he wasn’t weak.
His long, black hair, dripping with sweat, fell over his face as he hung his head. He looked small, weak, defeated; something he wasn’t used to looking like. Even his soft green eyes lacked the fire that almost always seemed existent.
“To the dungeons, Sir?” One of the guards holding him up asked. Vex shook his head.
“No. I want him out of here. Onto the streets.”
“I need a doctor,” Milo choked out as the pain got worse. “Please, help me.” He knew what he must have looked like, even without looking at his back. The skin was torn, his wounds were oozing; the tan skin he always boasted was stained with blood. The open wounds wouldn’t take long to get infected either. He needed to get help fast.
“Send him out.” Vex repeated, ignoring Milo’s plea, as he turned and headed for the door leading back into the common area of the castle.
“Please,” Milo begged. “Please, Father.” Vex turned suddenly on his heel.
“I am not your father! And neither are you my son!” There was a look of anger on his face as he glared at Milo. “No son of mine would defy me; betray my inheritance.”
“Your inheritance?” Milo conjured enough energy to laugh. “You have no inheritance. Esterwynn belongs to the people. You had no right to take control—”
“Esterwynn belongs to me,” Vex roared, his nostrils flaring. “I will rule these people and be king for all eternity! Even when life is taken from me, all those after me will rule in my name. I will not be forgotten. And I will most definitely not be bested by the boy I thought was my son!”
By the time he was finished, his face was only inches away from Milo’s. They were breathing the same air, battling for complete control. Milo stared into his father’s eyes, those eyes that used to be as loving and caring as the man himself. But since Vex started his rule as king, those green eyes had turned the color of poison. There was nothing but hatred behind his gaze.
Neither man moved. Neither wanted to back down.
It was Vex who looked away first. Sighing, in an aggravated way, he took a step back and addressed his guards.
“Send him out. Leave him in the city. If the people care about him, they’ll help. And if they don’t,” a cold smile crept across his lips. “Then he’ll die.”
“Father, no. Listen to me! I need you to listen!” Milo tried to fight against the guards’ pull, but he couldn’t free himself. The pain was getting worse by the minute. His anger at his father had stifled the pain for a few, short, glorious moments. But the pain was slowly creeping back into his conscious. Even breathing had begun to hurt. He just needed his father to listen. If he would listen, then maybe he would heal Milo.
“I did my listening,” Vex replied as he walked out of the room. “We are finished here. Goodbye, Emilio.”
Milo broke at the sound of his birth name. All of the energy drained from his body. The pain had become too much; it had seized control of every muscle he had. He was finished.
The guards had to carry his full weight down the hall. He couldn’t even support the toes on his feet. He moaned in pain as the guards dragged him around every turn in the castle.
But what was even more daunting than the pain were the memories flooding his mind of the last time someone called him Emilio. It had been nearly five years since he betrayed his father. It had been eight years since anyone had called him Emilio.
He didn’t want to remember her; that small, shy girl he had met when he was six. She was the last one to call him Emilio. He remembered. He couldn’t bear to hear that name anymore. So he begged her to call him Milo.
“Okay then, Milo.”
Her soft voice resonated through his mind. It took control of him, wrapped around his soul and squeezed. He was lost to the world. There was no turning back. She had captivated his mind once again. And he just couldn’t seem to get rid of her.
He didn’t even notice the cold air when they exited the castle. He could feel it on his bare, injured back, but the pain didn’t register. It was a numb feeling. He didn’t cry out when the guards threw him face first onto the cobblestone walk. Instead, he was grateful. Grateful for being out of the horrid castle and grateful to be able to lie down and rest.
The world around him, although bright and sunny, faded before his eyes. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was a girl racing towards him, her pail of water spilled and forgotten behind her.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hi Noelle, I thought I'd return the favor for all those reviews! Me iz catching up to you too Mwahahahaha!!!
Oh dear, what a nice daddy
I don't have any nitpicks amazingly enough! That doesn't happen often. So I'll jump right into the story! *jumps into story* Brr it's cold *jumps out* I'll just talk about in here where it's nice and warm.
So, this is quite the engaging character. It grabs us and drags up in. You have really good description, but not an overloading amount. The major thing that stuck out to me was how you described the pain that Milo is going through (love the name By the way:) ) It seemed so real and very, very painful.
This looks like it could get interesting quickly. (Not that it isn't already) I wonder if this girl is good, or kind of good but a bad influence on Milo. hmm . . . . I guess if I read on I'll see, right? That's about all I have to say! I'll try to get to the other chapters later this week.
~Messenger
Hey boo!
You use pain three times in this small paragraph. Expand your vocabulary.
Instead of this, try: "He let out an aggravated sigh."
Okay. So you're off to a good start! This chapter started off nicely, with you throwing us immediately into the action. Right away we see that Milo is the main character and the protagonist and Vex is his father and the antagonist. You tell us that Milo betrayed his father and tell us why, because Vex was quickly turning into a bad king and Milo was looking out for the people of Esterwynn.
It's a bit confusing, because we're trying to understand why Milo is hurt. From all that I've seen, he was already in pain prior to the start of this story, which means that we don't know what Vex did to him just yet. Did he beat his son near death? I hope you tell us soon because it must be pretty bad if he blackens out.
The mention of Milo hating being called Emilio tells me that there's something from his past that he's ashamed of. And then the mention of the girl tells me he's in love. I'm now wondering who this girl is and also wondering where his mother is. I hope the next chapter reveals more, so off to read I go. ^^
~Iggy
Hey Noelle!
Can I say that I thought this was awesome? Well I'mma go ahead and say it anyway: I thought this was Awesome! I can feel so much back story and history just oozing off this piece. Your dialogue is really good and sounds really natural and I really, really like you style of sentence construction. Your piece is just really smooth and flows fabulously well. Sorry if this isn't a great review but everyone else have stolen all the constructive criticism I have to say but hopefully I'll be more helpful in other chapters.
Silverlock
Hey Noelle! This is amazing! I love how you wrote this story! Okay, as for nitpicks go, I'm not going to bother repeating everything that Birkhoff said...It'll take up too much space that's already there.
However, I did want to agree with Birkhoff when he said Vex doesn't sound kingly. And honestly, I'm not sure if Vex even was a king...He said he wanted to rule/own...rather that he did own Esterwynn...but I'm not sure if you are implying he is king or just a wannabe.
Let me know when part 2 is out! I am thouroughly intrigued! Keep writing and smiling! See ya around the site!
-Sis
Thanks for the review!
Hey Noelle!
So I'm going to attempt a review of your first chapter here, despite the fact that you are one of those power house reviewers who I kinda fear. O.o
Though the idea of NaNoWriMo seems massive and scary to me, I really like the concept. I takes quite a lot of determination to follow through, as well as skill.
So far, I'm pretty intrigued by the story you've got going. There's two characters I'd like to know more about, there's some good dialogue going on and the setting seems interesting.
It all also seemed to move along at a very good, brisk pace.
It's a pretty short part of the chapter, so I don't have all that much to say, but I did pick up a few things I could comment on.
I'll write as I go along:
Ugh, I'm reaching for something to nitpick on already. This, along with the 'almost always' line in the following paragraph reads a bit off to me. Though mostly this first one. I'd actually replace 'nearly' with 'almost' and then rewrite the end of the second paragraph.
I would already assume he was in some sort of dungeon or cell at the beggining, but seeing as he had betrayed his father five years ago, I'm guessing he recently returned to him to plead (seems unlikely) or inform him of something important. Seems like he wasted his chance. I suppose this is just me reminding you to include how he ended up in this situation in later installments.
Just occured to me; I'm hoping he has some sort of a full name and this is just a shortened version. King Vex doesn't sound very kingly.
This line takes it too far. It's over the top and cartoony. And would he blow up and talk like this in front of his own men? I'm kinda seeing him as Denethor from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings now. And I know Denethor is often seen as a very good Shakespearian character (and he is a bit), but he's also one of those characters that borders closely to....well, cartoony.
They had a staredown? Things escalated quickly (meme). Felt out of place though.
Reading through this the first time, I hated this line. I thought it was stupid and clichè to have someone use their full name and suddenly things get dramatic (or even more dramatic). I would have brought out my red pen and adviced you to change it, but as I read on it got clear that you tied it into a lot. Mainly, of couse, this girl. And going by the name of your novel, it suggests she'll become quite a player. In the end, it was a pretty good callback and an okay way to introduce her without sounding too forced.
This is pretty much what made me accept it. I love this line. Very small, but I got a lot out of it.
Your next paragraph has a bit many periods though. It reads very stunted.
He's grateful. We get it.
Alright, that's the first part and all I could possibly say about it. For something cooked up in such a short time, with the pressure of having to finish it (you have to!) within the month, it's pretty great writing.
So far it's got my interest; has some interesting characters, a solid, though overused, setting, and with someone like you behind it, it has a lot of potential.
I also found absolutely no grammatical errors. I practically had to nitpick my way through this. And to think this is my one hundredth review. Oh how I wish I spent it somewhere I could be of more help!
I'll try to keep up with this series as you update it.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Congrats on your 100th review!! And don't worry, you definitely helped me! I like reviews about plot and characters more than grammar. I can always read over my stuff and find my own grammar mistakes. Thanks for the review!
Congrats on your 100th review!! And don't worry, you definitely helped me! I like reviews about plot and characters more than grammar. I can always read over my stuff and find my own grammar mistakes. Thanks for the review!
An interesting beginning. Fairly well written, as I had trouble seeing grammar mistakes. So what to look at first...?
The World: Worldbuilding's always been my shtick so I'll just start there. First off, I'm glad there's no "telling" going on here. Instead, you reveal the setting through the dialogue. We know where we are, have a possible time-period/civilization class established (Medieval-ish with kingdoms and rulers). However, I hope you see more of it. There isn't much shown here, and I'd like to see more! Best to leave that for later chapters, so keep up with it.
Grammar: Again, there aren't many grammar structure errors I could find. I did notice that a few sentences read a little awkwardly, such as "Sighing, in an aggravated way..." That could easily be changed to "Sighed in aggravation" or some variation that reads a little more smoothly, if you catch my drift. But most of the story is well-written and your word choice is superb. Great job!
Characters: All right, there is one problem I have with the characters and that's they seem a little too..."cookie cutter." They're not too bad and they act rather normal, but they seem as if they've been done before. Milo fills the role of the disgraced underdog hero and Vex the evil father figure, emphasis on the "evil." He basically seems like your average, power-tripping villain. Then again, this is a first chapter, and - like the worldbuilding - doesn't need too much revelation. I think they'll be good characters as the story evolves, but make sure to flesh them out as you go.
Overall, the story has a lot of potential and reads very well. Just keep working hard and making sure to flesh out your world and characters in future chapters and it'll make for a decent novel!
Best of luck!
Thanks for the review!
That was so good! I cannot find any grammar mistakes, which is pretty good for a rough draft. There are a few areas, however, that can be re-worded so the sentences make more sense and flow better.
"There was nothing but hatred behind his gaze."
Maybe change 'behind' to 'in,' because if it's blatant hatred, then it wouldn't be hidden right behind his gaze, so to speak, but right out in the open. If that makes any sense.
"The pain was getting worse by the minute. His anger at his father had stifled the pain for a few, short, glorious moments. But the pain was slowly creeping back into his conscious. "
The word 'pain' is used too many times. Maybe revise to say: "The pain was getting worse by the minute. His anger at his father had blocked out his torment for a few, short, glorious moments. But it was slowly creeping back into his conscious, becoming more and more prominent as his anger faded into pathetic pleading." (You don't have to add the last part, but I just thought I would add it.)
"The pain had become too much; it had seized control of every muscle he had. "
Maybe, "The pain had become too much; it had seized control of every muscle in his body."
"He couldn’t even support the toes on his feet. "
Okay, this sentence is a bit awkward; not sure what you are trying to say with this sentence. You could try to say: "He was so weak, he couldn't even find enough energy to stay on his feet, so he was forced to let them drag behind him."
"It had been nearly five years since he betrayed his father. It had been eight years since anyone had called him Emilio."
The part about betraying his father doesn't belong in this paragraph; you might want to move that sentence to the beginning of the story.
Otherwise, this was really good!! Just touch it up a bit and it will be beautiful!
Keep writing!
Thanks for the review!