**This is the edited version of chapter one. I posted chapter one a week ago and got some good feedback so I changed it. This is the better version. Or at least I hope it is :)**
As she stopped to catch her breath, her partner Leo coughed and collapsed face down on the ground. She rolled her eyes and looked back.
The field looked empty, calm even. The grain swayed from side to side, giving her the impression that she was on a ship being tossed about on the waves. She gazed overtop the grain, looking for any teams behind them, but there were none. They were still ahead of everyone which made her feel good.
Even if there was a team gaining, they wouldn’t be able to fight through the field quickly. It was only a few seconds ago that she and Leo were fighting through it, plagued by almost every danger possible thrown at them. She did not want to tackle the field again.
Leo muttered something into the grass.
“Sorry?”
“I said,” Leo repeated, rolling onto his back. “Are we done yet, Ryder?” His dark, storm cloud eyes looked up at her. She couldn’t help but be mesmerized by them. Shaking her head she focused on the task before them.
“Not yet. We still have to tackle the forest.”
“Why do they make this so hard?” Leo groaned.
Because it’s the damn Hunter Test! Nothing’s going to be easy! Ryder wanted to scream at him. The whole point was to see who was ready to be a Hunter, who was ready to risk their lives to serve their fellow citizens. There’s nothing easy about that.
Every year, the graduating class at the Academy is thrown into the Dome, a large dome shaped building in a barren field behind the Academy, and has to fight their way through. Plagued with false paths, traps, and predators, the students must fight through and complete the test. They don’t do it alone however. Each female student is paired with a male student and they work together. Whichever pair exits the Dome first are pronounced the new Hunters. They stay together until the day they die, friends or enimies for life. It's their decision.
Unfortunately for her, that meant having to spend the rest of her life with Leonard Cisera, the worlds biggest douche bag. She knew, of course, why the professors had paired her with him; he had graduated top of the class for the boys. It only made sense to put the two best students together.
Wrong. Ryder thought. He was going to ruin her chance of coming out first. He was such a pain and never stopped complaining. Not to mention he was impulsive while fighting. He never knew when to wait and when to attack. That would make him a very poor choice in a partner. Besides, he was a jack of all trades, master of nothing. What kind of help was that to her?
It had always been Ryder’s dream to become a Hunter. They were the only citizens in Bryok who were allowed outside the wall, the wall which protected them from outside threats. It also cut them off from any food supply. The ground inside the city wasn’t able to bear crops.
So they went outside of the wall several times a day to gather food. Their diets consisted mostly of fruits and edible tree bark. Occasionally a Hunter will catch a large animal which will keep everyone fed for a couple days. Meat was a luxury.
If anyone was caught outside the wall who wasn’t a Hunter, they were in big trouble. They were usually banished into the unknown lands around Bryok and were never heard of again. One horrifying day a man who had been banished came to the gate and begged to be let in. No one took action however, it was against the law. The man called out again and then something snarled and he screamed. Ryder had tried to forget the sound of his flesh being ripped apart and the satisfaction of the monster’s kill. It was possibly the worst sound she had ever heard.
She knew that if she were a Hunter she would be able to fight off attacks like that. She had studied fire magic at the Academy and knew how to use it all too well. She had graduated top of her class for the girls and was projected to complete the Hunter’s Test first. There was no way she was going to let everyone down.
“Let’s go.” Ryder said, pulling Leo off of the ground. He groaned as he stood, slowly rubbing a spot on his back. Ryder had nearly had enough. “Stop being a drama queen. You’re really pissing me off right now.”
Leo grinned. “Oh, so now I’m a queen?”
“Just shut up.” Ryder mumbled, leading him toward the forest.
It was large, one much larger than she had ever seen. Trees of all sizes stretched from one side of the Dome to another, touching each wall. Ryder had forgotten for a while that they were even inside. She was too focused on the track ahead. And it looked tough.
She sensed something suddenly and tensed.
“Get down!” she said, forcing Leo to the ground. He protested as she climbed on top of him, pinning him down.
“What the hell are you –"
Ryder slammed her hand over his mouth, cutting him off. There had to be no noise, no distractions. She needed to think.
She had heard the arrow before she saw it. The sound of its feathered tail whipping through the wind was familiar to her. She’d spent enough time training in the weapons department at the Academy to recognize the sound of an arrow.
It had lodged itself in the nearest tree, just high enough for someone on the opposite side of the field to see it disappear. Ryder knew whoever shot it was waiting for her to pull it from the tree, give any indication that she was still there. She wasn’t supposed to take the bait.
But she had to. How else were they supposed to move on if she didn’t take care of their closest competition? The Hunters Test usually got intense at the end and they were nearly there. She had to make sure they weren’t followed into the forest. Once they got through the forest, they were done and she’d be a Hunter.
She crawled army style towards the tree and pulled the arrow from its trunk. Almost immediately after she freed it, another one took its place. That confirmed her theory that someone wanted her out, didn’t want her winning.
Ryder wasn’t going to have that. She gripped the arrow in her hand, took a deep breath and stood. She looked across the field but saw no one. It puzzled her. How could someone have disappeared that quickly? It wasn’t as if there was somewhere for them to hide. The only trees large enough to hide behind were behind her now; the forest.
She squinted and saw something she hadn’t before. It was a boulder; a fairly good sized boulder at the edge of the field. Who was she kidding, it was huge. At least three people could hide behind it and still have room to move. Why didn’t she notice it before?
“What are you doing?” Leo hissed.
“Hush,” Ryder shot back. She squeezed the arrow tighter, not bothered by the stray pieces of wood puncturing her skin. The blood running down her hand felt refreshing in the intense heat of the Dome. She had ignored it until now, but the cool flow of her life spreading over her hand reminded her just how hot she was.
And then she felt it: a sudden connection to the arrow. She unclasped her hand and stared down at the wood. It was stained with her blood, turning the wood a dark amber color. As she watched, her blood faded away, leaving the wood clean. Then she realized it was connecting itself to her.
“Elfin arrows,” she said curiously. She knew there was someone at the Academy who fought with elfin arrows, but she couldn’t remember who. They were no ordinary arrows, either. The first person to touch one after an elf created it would be the arrow’s master. The arrow would respond to its master’s name and each arrow had a connection to the others in its family. They never changed masters except for those who were connected to nature.
That’s why the wood had absorbed Ryder’s blood. Nature called to her. The grass seemed to talk underneath her feet and flowers would bloom at her touch. Trees moved to provide her shade. Nature was her true power. She didn’t have to think to activate it.
She had always been told that magicians couldn’t have more than one power. But she was living proof. She knew what she could do and that was all that mattered. She knew that if she told someone she would be in trouble so she kept her mouth shut.
“You live life with one power and one power only,” her mother told her once when she asked about having two powers. “If we had multiple powers, there would be no need for each other.” Ryder didn’t press the issue after that.
“What are we looking for?” She jumped as she saw Leo beside her, looking out across the field. Before she could push him back down, someone stepped out from behind the boulder. Ryder narrowed her eyes and gripped the arrow tighter.
She should’ve known Samuel was behind everything. He never did like her; he was always jealous. It had been he who wanted to study fire magic, but Ryder stole it from him. He chose defensive magic, a nonaggressive form of magic. Everyone made fun of him for it and he blamed Ryder. She never understood how it was her fault; she had gotten fire fair and square.
Samuel brought up his bow, an arrow fixed in it. Before he could release it, Ryder set into her battle mode. Time slowed and the world went quiet. The only sounds she could hear were her rapid breathing and the slow pounding of her heart.
Looking up, she realized Samuel had released the arrow and it was hurtling towards her. Quickly, she organized the bracelets on her arm: orange, yellow, red, black. Ryder felt the fire in her veins and she raised her arm. It felt heavy, hard to lift. She knew it was the magic weighing her down. It wasn’t easy to move against the true speed of time.
Regardless of what was holding her back, she pointed her hand at the arrow and sent flames at it. She watched in awe as the flames traveled at half speed and engulfed the arrow. It burned in the air and disappeared, wood shavings raining down on the grain.
Ryder knew she couldn’t leave it there, however. Samuel would simply take a different approach. Bringing the arrow to her lips, she whispered to it, speaking in a soft tone. It shivered in her grasp. She took a deep breath, raised the arrow against her ear, took aim, and threw.
It cut through the air like a knife through butter, never straying from its path. The arrow hit its target perfectly like she knew it would.
“Whoa,” Leo said in amazement, setting the world back to normal speed. Ryder jumped when she saw him standing next to her. He had snuck up on her. She shook her head and looked over the field and grinned, admiring her work.
She had set the grass ablaze. A great crimson wall rose a few feet off the ground, just short enough for Ryder’s eyes to lock with Samuel’s. To her surprise, he was grinning as if she couldn’t hurt him. Like the trap she had set was useless.
Samuel took a step forward, testing the flames. All Ryder could do was watch as he stepped through them and into the field.
Not possible. She thought. The flames were Dragon Fire. There was only one spell, and it was very complicated, who could get you through the flames. How had Samuel cast it? He never studied that kind of magic at the Academy.
“I’m coming for you, Gabrielle. You won’t win this!” he shouted across the field. Ryder winced. Her hands clenched into fists by her side.
“That’s not my name,” she growled. “And you dare to speak my sacred name? Who are you to –"
“I’ll take care of him,” Leo said definitely. Ryder felt him stir beside her. She watched him raise his right hand, fingers twisted in a weird configuration. “Do you want me to make him forget who he is? I know a nasty spell for that.”
“No,” Ryder said quickly. They didn’t need to do anything. “He won’t survive the field. Trust me. If you hadn’t been there in the field with me I would’ve gotten dragged down by that quicksand. Leo stood straight and puffed his chest out. Ryder rolled her eyes.
“I did save your life, didn’t I?” He let out a fake cry of pain as she punched his arm. “That actually hurt, Electa. You better watch your back.”
“Don’t use my last name,” Ryder growled. It reminded her of those she had once loved, those who were now gone. Her Uncle Harold, her baby cousin Derek, her sister Maybelle, but especially her mother and father. There was no way to replace any of them.
“Sorry.” Leo responded without sincerity. It was as if he said it because he felt obliged to. “Are we going to go on?”
Ryder didn’t respond. She simply stalked into the forest, not worrying if Leo was following. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, but she was mad at him for bringing up those memories. He had no right to say her name, no right to use it like he did. It wasn’t his fault, she knew, but she couldn’t help blaming him. Who else could she blame?
“Look, Leo, I have something to say,” she said after a while. She took a deep breath before barreling on. “We’re definitely going to win this so I have something I want to get off my chest. I’ve despised you for a few years now. I’m not going to say I hate you because, frankly I don’t. I really don’t know what it is about you that makes me feel this way.
“We are going to have to get along if we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. We are going to have to learn to work together. So first thing after we are pronounced Hunters, we’ll work out a system. Sound good?”
Ryder paused to let him respond, but he said nothing. Her heart pounded. Something was wrong. Even Leo wouldn’t flat out ignore her like that. She spun around and found herself alone. Just her and the trees. No Leo. Where had he disappeared to? He couldn’t have been kidnapped; she would’ve sensed another presence in the forest.
Suddenly a twig snapped behind her. She spun and grabbed the dagger from her boot quick as lightning. Whatever was out there she was ready for it.
End of chapter
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Firstly... WOW WOW WOW WOW!
Your story is amazing! I love your style of writing and your descriptions. Everything just flows together, it's wonderful.
I only have a few annoyances with it. In the beginning, you use the word 'plagued' a bit much and at times through the story there's small errors of spelling or grammar (who doesn't make them?). Also some sentences are worded awkwardly, like "Ryder set into her battle mode." (I'm not sure what this means)
Your characters are brilliant and easily lovable (or hate-able), your world is interesting but understandable and the way you've slotted them all together is seamless.
I am in awe, thank-you,
Mith
hey there finally read the first chapter. Although it turns out i read the deleted first version when i first joined this website.
Anyway there are many things going on here. For one the explanations and information paint a very different picture to the one i am used to. All those things about only one person being able to use a certain magic and the city being closed in by a wall. It all paints this nice image in head of the whole thing. Now i can see why you slowed things down. The way you were going it was completely speeding through this world of yours. I am glad you slowed things down. I hope in the coming chapters you explore the city of Byrok more and possible more characters from her academy years will make an appearance.
Also the fact that her real name is known suggests everyone knows who she is. It makes me curious as to exactly how famous she really is. Does everyone know her father founded the city. In that case how come she is so slumped down in this society. How come the othir were being idiots to her. Does that mean they are secretly watching over her or something. It seems befitting.
I feel for her family troubles. It makes me wonder what happened to all of them. I mean i get what happened to her father but what about the rest?
Its strange how close this comes to the hunger games. this is like the magic version. Anyhow i can't say you copied everything. The hunger games concept themselves are not the most hardest thing to imagine up anyway. And i know that your story takes a very different turn from what it looks like its going.
I remember reading chapter two and imagining how this novel was going to turn out and then you keep exceeding my expectations and twsiting the story away from them.
Anyhow hope the next chapter comes out soon and i don't mean chapter 2
Nice cliffhanger! The ending was really exciting


Since I read chapter 5 first, I feel like I already know what is going on so I'm not lost x). From this first chapter, I'm getting almost a Hunger Games vibe. How a bunch of teens are thrown into an arena and only two are allowed to win (well, one in Games, but it ended up being two, right?). Even Ryder is like Katniss. The girl on fire, Ryder uses fire. Even her attitude has that same selfishness as Katniss. I'm guessing Hunger Games was a big inspiration for this, thought I might be wrong
Again, your dialogue shines through and really brings out your characters. You had more description here which I enjoyed.
The only place that seemed to break the pace was towards the beginning when you started talking about how they could only grow crops outside of the city walls. It only went on for a few paragraphs and then jumped back into the Hunter Test. But it also provided some information about the city and when they need Hunters, so I'm not complaining so much
I'm going onto chapter 2 now, I'm totally hooked ^_^
You know, I wasn't thinking of the Hunger Games when I was writing this, but you're the second person to compare the two. I guess my subconscious wanted this to be like the Hunger Games. I am a huge fan
I know I took a while but here I am. I can't say much again because I love your story. I wish I had the whole book opened in front of me so I didn't have to wait for the next chapter. There's a lot going on but the way you described it all, I didn't have to re-read a single line. Poor Ryder. I feel bad for her. She's lost her family. Nice name, by the way. What I loved most about it were the last three lines. The kind of lines that leave you wondering what's going to happen. Can't wait for the next chapter. Wallpost me when you've done Chapter 2.