When Milo woke, he found himself in a small cottage. Lifting his head, he looked around. He was in a circular room that looked vaguely familiar. There was a small doorway that led into a larger room in front of him. He remembered being in this cottage before, but he couldn’t remember why or with who. And trying to remember just made him even more confused. He finally gave up and laid his head back down on the soft pillow. His back felt much better, but there was still a constant ache.
Shuffling feet echoed through the room. Milo turned his head to see who it was. There wasn’t anyone at first, but then a small girl walked through the doorway, carrying a small bowl and a washcloth. She wore a blue dress that had faded from the dirt and grime gathered on it over time. Her brown shoes had holes in the toes and looked like they would fall apart any second.
She sat the bowl down on the windowsill and crossed to the opposite wall. There was a small cabinet there that she opened with delicate hands. She was humming to herself as she sorted through vials. Milo figured she hadn’t realized that he was awake, so he pretended to still be asleep.
He heard her shuffle back across the room. There was a clatter of glass and wood, only making his headache worse. The girl cursed under her breath and made more noise as she scrambled about to fix whatever it is that had happened.
Milo couldn’t stand the noise anymore. Not only was it driving him crazy, but it was not doing anything to help with his pounding headache.
“Is all that noise really necessary? I’m dying from this headache and you’re only making it worse!”
The girl turned around and glared at him, hand on her hip which was cocked to one side. Milo recognized her immediately. With those harsh hazel eyes and long, curly brown hair, how could she be anyone else?
“Well aren’t you snippy. That’s no way to talk to someone who just saved your life.” She glared at him, hand still on her hip, daring him to speak. There was so much that she hadn’t said. And Milo knew exactly what she really wanted to talk about.
“Cara, I can explain—”
“I don’t need your apologies, Milo,” Cara replied. Her voice was calm, but her demeanor proved otherwise. “Just lay your head down and don’t move so I can finish sewing up your back.”
“Sewing up my…” Milo trailed off. He twisted his body so he could see his back. Just as Cara had said, the skin that the whip had ripped apart had been sewn back together. The wounds were still a deep red color and had started taking on a shade of purple.
Cara worked in silence. Picking up the vial from the floor, she poured it into the wooden bowl and set to mixing the concoction. When she was finished, she took a washcloth and started wiping Milo’s wounds.
It hurt. Bad. Milo bit his lip to stop from crying out. He was tired of all the pain. It was crippling him. While he was lying there injured, the Myriad was missing their leader and therefore losing most direction. He needed to get back to them.
“How is…the group holding up?” He knew better than to call it the Myriad. There always seemed to be someone watching, listening. And the Myriad was definitely not popular around the kingdom.
Cara acted as if she hadn’t heard him. But Milo could feel her hands tense against his back. Whatever was going on in his absence, it wasn’t anything good.
“Why the hell did you visit Vex,” Cara said finally. “You know that’s as good as handing yourself in.”
“Yeah, well, he tried to beat me into submission instead of killing me. I really should thank him, shouldn’t I?”
“You’re avoiding the question.” Cara drew the washcloth off of his back. “Sit up.” She ordered. He rolled onto his back and, despite the pain that she undoubtedly knew it would cause him, she pushed him up. He grimaced and couldn’t help but notice the indifference in Cara’s eyes.
“So how’s it feel?” she asked as she crossed the room to wash her hands. “Are those stiches scraping at all?”
“Cara, we need to talk.”
“There’s nothing to say,” she snapped, whirling around to face him. “You left us. And you didn’t even say anything! We needed you, but you were gone. No amount of apologies can make that right.”
“Then what do I have to do?”
Cara crossed her arms and looked him in the eye. “Stop putting your life in danger. If you get caught, we all go down. Quit risking the lives of innocent people.”
Milo knew that her comments shouldn’t hurt him. He was the leader of the Myriad after all. He shouldn’t have to answer to the people below him. If he left, that was his business. They should trust that he would come back.
But something about the way Cara criticized him made him feel guilty. She hadn’t yelled, she hadn’t accused him. She’d simply just stated the facts.
Cara always had a way of pointing out the worst in him. She was the person he had known the longest. That’s why they knew each other so well.
They were neighbors growing up and had stayed in touch over the years. She was one of the first people he got to join the Myriad.
He valued her opinion, but at the same time, he knew that he was right. So he quickly brushed off the guilt and stared back at her.
“Would you still be mad at me if I told you that I had information?”
“Would you be mad if I told you another prophecy came while you were gone?” Cara retorted.
Milo was sure that she was joking. But he couldn’t find a hint of amusement on her face.
“But Ida stopped telling those long ago!”
“Yeah, well, she spit out another one the other day,” Cara said, her voice wavering. “And it’s the most dangerous of all.”
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hey Noelle, I'm back. I want my stars, and the start to this story seems interesting, so you can start adding me to the list of followers you have! Shall we get the review now!
Well this chapter is kind of weak in comparison to the first one. Not because it wasn't a good chapter, but i felt that the grade and rank of detail slipped slightly. Not a ton, but enough for me to notice. There is one major thing I spotted though . . .
Short sentences. You didn't have this in the first chapter, so I definitely wasn't expecting it in this one one. But for the first few paragraphs (until about P4 I think) it felt like every single line was the same length. I won't harbor on this, because I know that you know as a writer, that a variety of sentence lengths is necessary. I will say that I made the exact same mistake for a while myself
Now, besides that i thought this was a good next chapter. You slow things down, get us down to earth, and give some explanation for why everything is going on. We start to understand who these people are, and why Vex hates Milo.
Character building was 100%. You quickly differentiate the differences (or maybe it's similarities) that Milo and Cara have. Both are very stubborn, both are a little bit snappy, and both are sarcastic. This looks like a good little beginning to possible arguments later on!
And now we must read on, because WHAT WAS THE PROPHECY ABOUT!!!!!!
~Messenger
Hey Noelle. c:
Okay so I totally yelled at Milo as well, when he told Cara to pipe down with the noise. Men. So ungrateful. <_< He's super lucky she was there to save him before he KO'ed. I mean, well, seeing as how he's the leader of this Myriad, they wouldn't let him die, but still. She's got sass, I see. ^^
Okay so, I can't wait to see what this Myriad is. I assume it's a secret organization meant to overthrow the king, no? Exciting! But what is it, exactly? How do their goals differ from Vex's? Apparently Milo founded it, but for what purpose? Is he really for the people, or does he just want power? So many questions. I'll adore you beyond measure if you pull a plot twist and have Milo be as evil as the king is once he takes over the kingdom. x)
Ooh and now there's prophecies in play?! I LOVE PROPHECIES. I hope you make this one all mystical and mysterious and rhythmy and cool =] And if it's really the most dangerous, then that means there's been a less dangerous one before?! I'm totally thinking of PJatO here. >_> let's hope Ida's prophecies top the Spirit of Delphi's.
Anyways, I am off to read the next part!
Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reviewing this. It's been a long couple of weeks.
Anyway, since all the nitpicking seems to have been handled in the reviews below, I'll stick to basics. This chapter reads very well. Definitely a great improvement. The paragraphs are of decent length and your descriptions are wonderful. For lack of a better phrase, "I like your style." Everything reads well and flows along like it should. No qualms there. Also, like the last part, there are very few grammar errors. You know how to write!
The characters continue to evolve. I laughed when the name "Cara" appeared, since "Kara" is a character that will appear in my Elementary saga. Both seem like okay characters. However, the dialogue does not flow as well as your sentences and could use a little tweaking. Emphasis on "little." You've got great substance already, it could just be improved.
Basically, keep on this path. This chapter ends well, and this story definitely is building up. However, I do feel in the dark on a lot of things. There's a lot of foreshadowing, but some things are better explained early on. Funny...I'm asking for exposition...I think that's some sort of sin... Nevermind, keep going like this!
Anyway, good chapter. On to the next one!
Hey Noelle!
Back for your second chapter. Sorry it took a while to get around to it.
I suppose this will be more of a mini review than a full one, as I have very little to critique in this chapter.
I can say I really like it so far though.
I'll just head into the few things I could comment on:
The way you go on to describe this small cottage seems a bit..larger. Circular rooms leading to larger rooms. A small cottage might sound a little off.
Geez, I'm harping on size again? When I think small girl, I'm thinking of a kid. But this obviously isn't a kid.
This is just something I don't know, and maybe you could inform me (Or if you don't know, we can figure out together!
If I woke up shirtless and face down on a bed or table(?), checking my aching back would be in my top 3 priorities. I felt he was a bit too surprised at this.
I really like Cara, she's a pretty interesting and seems to have a good personality.
I hope she cleaned those wounds before she stiched them though.
Edit
I'm not sure I follow this. I assume he is the key to this because he is heir to the throne and they need him for that. But why would they be screwed if he got caught? Would he instantly rat them out?
Aside from a bunch on nitpicks, I think this is mainly what I would comment on. He was alright in the first part, but here he acts like a total douchebag. And he should totally have flaws, but not these ones. If he had insecurity issues about leading this, or maybe seconds thoughts about why he should be with these people, that'd be cool. As of now though, his personality seems too similar to his father, why would he betray him? His humor feels out of place with this personality as well.
How is he right? He's totally okay with leaving his friends in the dark without letting them know? And they shouldn't question him? Yeah, douchebag.
Got to agree here, I thought she was joking. Didn't occur to me that this that kind of fantasy yet. I had a much more down to earth view on it before this. Anyhow, as with all such fantasy stories, I have one thing to say: I expect awesome wizards!
Alright, that was your second part. Again, I really like what you got going so far and you write it really well. I've been struggling all this time with things to comment on.
Other than this turn for your main character, there isn't much I'd change. That is, if I even read it correctly. I'd love it if I randomly got dyslexia for a minute there and Milo has actually been saving orphaned kittens this entire chapter.
We're closing in on halfway through April though, you gotta hustle it up with this!
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Your Milo saving kittens comment killed me!!
Ah! I'm really enjoying this story, but I would just like to point out a few things that could use a bit of touching up:
"She wore a blue dress that had faded from the dirt and grime gathered on it over time."
You might want to rephrase this, as it sounds like a run-on. Try "She wore a blue dress, faded from constantly being immersed in dirt and grime."
"She sat the bowl down on the windowsill and crossed to the opposite wall."
'Sat' should be 'set,' as the object is being placed there, not going there of its own accord.
"There was a small cabinet there that she opened with delicate hands. She was humming to herself as she sorted through vials. "
'There she knelt down to a small cabinet, using her delicate hands to sort through the vials, humming to herself as she searched.'
"The girl cursed under her breath and made more noise as she scrambled about to fix whatever it is that had happened."
Try to keep with the same tense; first you have past tense (cursed) and then present (is).
"The girl turned around and glared at him, hand on her hip which was cocked to one side."
This sentence is a little awkward; you might want to try: "The girl turned around, her hip cocked to one side and single, petite hand resting upon it, and glared at him."
"With those harsh hazel eyes and long, curly brown hair, how could she be anyone else?"
This sentence makes it sound like you are saying: 'With those harsh hazel eyes and those long, curly brown hair....' So try adding 'that': "With those harsh hazel eyes and that long, curly brown hair, how could she be anyone else?"
"It hurt. Bad."
Instead of 'bad,' it should be 'badly,' because you are describing how it hurt.
"While he was lying there injured, the Myriad was missing their leader and therefore losing most direction. He needed to get back to them."
Try: "While he was lying there, injured, the Myriad was missing their leader and, therefore, lacking direction. He needed to get back to them as quickly as possible."
" 'Yeah, well, she spit out another one the other day,' Cara said, her voice wavering. 'And it’s the most dangerous of all.' "
You might want to say something along the lines of: "And I have a feeling that it's more dangerous than all the others," or something along those lines because she has no idea if future prophecies (if they ever happen) will be more dangerous.
Overall, it was really good! I am so excited to read more!
Keep writing!
Hi and this is a review for you!
I love this and the first part! I love the fantasy feeling of it all - it feels like it's in older times, and I like that. I mean, do girls really still wear those kinds of dresses? XD! Anyways, I love the old touch to the story and I found pretty much no errors. This is awesome, could you please make more?
Sincerely and truthfully,
Em101cats!
you have many details and I love that. you have very little spelling errors, and the plot flows perfectly. And it give you that I want more vibe in it that just makes you want to read and read and read more. like when you reach the end of series of a book, yeah its that good. this almost tops of all my favorite books. you did a wonderful job. expertly not over using words I do that a lot like If I use one word in a story I use it five more times. anyways good job.
You just want to make me beg for more, don't you? So, who is this mysterious group...what's IP with this prophecy? Questions, questions!! Loving the way you are writing this! *checks to see if she is following you* Well, it's like eleven pm here and I'm absolutely exhausted so I can't give a more lengthy review
I'd probably just say a bunch of random stuff :/ Keep writing and smiling!! Look forward to the next part;;;
-Sis
wow............. as soon as I saw the title, I wanted to read it. this is very good in my eyes! the only thing I didn't really like was how it had the H word in it. not the biggest fan of cussing! but still, its amazing!!!!!!
Thanks!
I'm not a big fan of cussing either, but the sad truth is people cuss in normal day talk so I try to sneak some into my writing to make it a bit more realistic. It doesn't happen too often; just when my characters are really mad XD I never use the really bad words though. And usually I just say the character cursed under their breath or something.
ok that makes a lot more sense now. :3