So from now on I'm not going to edit before I post (mainly 'cause I'm not supposed to because it's camp nano). Again, feel free to be as harsh as you want. Enjoy!**
Chapter 2
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” -Romans 12:19
Annette
The room was a lot bigger than any of the rooms at her middle school were. At Saint Mary’s, the most people a room could hold was about fourteen. The lab rooms held nineteen. That was the largest capacity of any of the rooms.
But here at the conservatory, rooms held almost thirty kids. At least, her homeroom did. She wasn’t certain about the other rooms. She’d see later.
Annette wasn’t even sure what to do. So she stood in the doorway and looked around. It didn’t seem like there was anywhere to sit. Each time she thought there was an empty seat, she realized that it was just someone leaning forward in their chair or bending over to pick something up off the floor.
Finally, the teacher noticed her and sighed. “Ah, yes, welcome, Miss…” she consulted her class list until she found the right name. “Miss Stevens. I do hope that you’re actually supposed to be in homeroom 37B.” Annette nodded. The teacher looked over the brim of her golden glasses, as if she didn’t believe her. “You look rather young to be a sophomore.”
“Yes, ma’am, I am. But I tested out of ninth grade so, here I am.”
“Elliot, you and Rebecca may continue your public displays of affection in the principals office. Go, now!”
“Aw come on, Mrs. Jenkins,” Elliot whined as Rebecca climbed out of his lap. Annette hadn’t even seen them doing—whatever it was they were doing. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to see it. “It’s the first day.”
“Go!” Mrs. Jenkins pointed a stubby finger at the door. The two students walked out, Rebecca with her head hung and Elliot turning to grin and point at a boy in the back of the room. “Now!” Elliot dropped his arm and rushed out of the classroom. “All of this on the first day. And now I have a super genius too? Why, oh why…” Mrs. Jenkins continued mumbling to herself. She didn’t seem to be enjoying her teaching job. Annette figured not seeing as she didn’t look like much like a teacher.
The only thing that made her look like a teacher was the golden glasses hanging onto the edge of her nose. Scratch that. Annette was certain now that it made her look like a librarian. She was a middle aged woman, Mrs. Jenkins. Her short hair couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be brown or gray and her eyes looked tired. The dress she was wearing looked more like a green bathrobe, one that was two times too big. And the cowboy boots on her feet didn’t help anything.
“What school did you—oh, come closer child! Stop gawking in the doorway.” Annette was hesitant, but made her way to Mrs. Jenkins desk. “What was the last school you went to? I swear they don’t tell me anything about my students.”
“Um, Saint Mary’s, ma’am,” Annette responded. Mrs. Jenkins looked up and narrowed her eyes. She was starting to make Annette uncomfortable. Then her gaze flicked to her neck and she scoffed.
“Well that explains it,” she murmured. The class snickered and Annette could feel heat sneaking up the back of her neck for the second time that day. She hastily tucked the cross under the neckline of her shirt. That was what everyone was snickering at. They didn’t care that she was wearing a dress that looked like it belonged on a five year old. They didn’t care that her hair was up in a tight bun with two pencils sticking out the ends. They didn’t care that she had just made a fool out of herself by standing in the doorway, staring at everyone in the classroom.
They were laughing at the cross hanging from her neck.
She should’ve listened to her mother when she dropped her off. She was trying to warn her about all of this, about the teasing and the harsh looks. But of course, Annette didn’t want to listen. She thought she knew what it was going to be like. At Saint Mary’s, everyone was kind to one another and everyone wore a cross to school.
And now that she thought back on it, she realized that that was because it was a Catholic school. Of course everyone would be wearing a cross. For one, it was part of their uniform. The nuns would punish you if you forgot. Second, everyone there loved God. They were all very religious.
Here at Lincoln Conservatory, the students were free to believe whatever they wanted to. And apparently most of them decided not to believe in God. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. Why else would they point and make fun of her?
“My name,” Mrs. Jenkins said. “Is Mrs. Jenkins. Welcome to the Lincoln Conservatory Room 37A. We’re so glad to have you. There’s an open seat next to Jordan in the last row. He’s the idiot who’s friends with the other idiot in my class, Elliot. That’ll be your seat for the rest of the semester.” She said all of this in a rather bored tone, never looking up from her desk.
Annette looked at the back of the room and saw an open seat, one she hadn’t caught earlier. But she also saw who Jordan was and she froze. Sitting with his feet up on the desk and hands behind his head, was the boy who had run into her earlier that morning. He was staring back at her, glaring. She wasn’t so sure that she wanted to sit there.
“Um, Mrs. Jenkins—”
“Please take your seat, Miss Stevens.” She barked. Annette jumped in surprise and hurried to the back of the classroom. She was faintly aware of the class’s laughter following her. This wasn’t how she had imagined her first day.
As soon as she sat down, Jordan leaned closer to her. “You know,” he said slowly, and carefully to make sure that she heard every word. “I don’t want you to sit here either. You see, I’m not particularly fond of jeeks like you.”
“What’s a jeek?” Annette asked. But Jordan just smirked and turned back to the front of the classroom. She pouted and sunk lower in her chair. Someone here had to tell her what a jeek was. Maybe she’d just ask Peter again after homeroom. He had to tell her at some point.
The television at the front of the room suddenly clicked on. In front of a blue background were the words “Lincoln Conservatory’s Announcements”. A girl suddenly appeared on the screen.
“Good morning, Lincoln Conservatory,” she said in the nearly the same exact boring tone that Mrs. Fischer had used earlier. “Welcome to the first day of a new term. Yay.” The girl, who’s name was Bethany according to the name tag below her face on the screen, had a face full of acne and short, curly black hair with purple tips. She also had giant glasses and braces, neither of which helped her look less like a nerd. Annette felt bad for her.
“Now will everyone please say the Pledge of Allegiance with me.”
Annette stood, placed her hand over her heart, and waited. But then she realized two things: one, there was no flag in the classroom and two, no one else was standing. The rest of her class was staring up at her like she had three heads. Didn’t they stand for the pledge? Everyone did at Saint Mary’s.
“Miss Stevens,” Mrs. Jenkins called from the front of her room without looking up from her papers. “Please take a seat. No one stands for the pledge anymore. Surely they told you on the tour that we are a secular school. That means that we do not salute the government or tolerate any religious activity.” Annette was so stunned that she sat down.
“We don’t need any jeeks here, Annette,” Jordan hissed. “Just go back to your little Catholic school across the street and leave us be.” Annette ignored him and focused on Bethany as she spoke.
“I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America…”
The students around her sat in their seats, talking amongst themselves. No one was paying attention to what Bethany was saying.
“And to the republic, for which it stands...”
Surely someone in this school said the Pledge of Allegiance. Why else would Bethany be saying it? She wouldn’t waste her time, or the teacher’s time, if no one was going to salute the flag.
“One nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
Annette was thankful for one thing, though. No one was paying attention enough to hear her whisper the words, “under God” when Bethany didn’t. Annette had caused enough trouble already. She wasn’t going to do anything else that would give the kids something to tease her about.
“And now for the exciting part,” Bethany droned on. “Announcements. The music club will meet in Room 61 today, not room 48. Also, auditions for the fall production of Bonnie & Clyde will be held after school tomorrow in the Black Box theatre…”
Annette wasn’t paying attention she didn’t care about any of this. All she wanted to do was go home and be with her mother. Was that childish of her? Maybe, but it would be better for everyone. Jordan wouldn’t have to sit next to her, Mrs. Jenkins wouldn’t have to suffer by having her in homeroom, the other students wouldn’t have to associate with her. See, it would be better for everyone.
The announcements finally ended and a bell rang out for first period. Annette didn’t even bother looking at her schedule. Peter would just end up grabbing it from her and lead her to the right room anyway. There was no need to look.
But he wasn’t there when she reached her locker. It should’ve taken him the same amount of time to get there as it did her.
Maybe he got caught behind. She thought. I’ll just wait for him.
Surprisingly, she opened her locker on the first try. But she was in such a rotten mood that she didn’t feel like she had accomplished anything anyway. Solemnly, she grabbed her books and turned to see if Peter was coming up behind her.
Instead, she got a face full of some sort of concoction. She wasn’t sure what it was, but it had splattered all over her and even ended up in her locker, staining her books and backpack. It smelled of rotten eggs and fish. She gagged.
Laughter filled the hallway. It bounced off the walls and echoed in her head. It was like everyone in the entire school was laughing at her. She had no allies, no one willing to stand up for her. Not even Peter came to her rescue. Maybe she was wrong about him.
She tried to wipe off as much of the—whatever it was—and gather her stuff again, but just as she turned to hurry into the bathroom, she slipped and fell. She ended up landing directly on her hand as she tried to stop her fall. She cried out in pain and cradled her wrist. It didn’t feel good at all.
The fall just set off more laughter. And then someone dumped a bucket full of milk on her. She couldn’t do anything but sit there in shock as the liquid ran over her. The laughter got worse, filling up the entire hallway, finding every silent crevice and filling it with noise. It was miserable and embarrassing. And at that moment, all Annette wanted to do was run home.
She looked up and saw Jordan standing over her, sneering. “You see, we don’t appreciate jeeks in our school. This is what happens when one sneaks in. Where’s your precious God now,” he mocked. “You believe He can perform miracles, right? Make Him show us a miracle and clean you up.” He laughed and walked away, but not before kicking her books down the hall. They went skidding along the floor farther and farther away.
Another bell rang and everyone scattered. And Annette was left all alone, sitting in a pile of goo. She refused to cry. This was not the time or place. She could cry when she got home and was in the safe arms of her mother. But these kids already attacked her religious beliefs. She wasn’t going to give them anything else.
So she picked herself up and tried to walk without falling. She slid a couple of times, but was able to steady herself against the lockers. Finally she made it to the bathroom. Luckily no one else was in there. She didn’t want anyone else to see her like this.
She washed out her clothes first. Unfortunately there were no hand dryers, only paper towels. So she had to wait for her clothes to dry out by themselves. It took a while. She was sitting on the floor in one of the stalls, her head back and eyes closed.
She envisioned God in the heavens. He was looking down at her and she immediately felt better. She would endure this suffering for Him. If kids wanted to make fun of her because she believed in Him, that would be fine.
The only problem was surviving the rest of the year. And figuring out why everyone bullied her for being a Christian.
End of chapter
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Hello.
Sorry I'm a little late with reviewing your second chapter here. I haven't really had access to a computer for a week-I was out of town. Anyways, I'll start with the grammar mistakes that I found:
Can't wait for the third chapter!
“Yes, ma’am, I am. But I tested out of ninth grade so, here I am.” -> I'd probably change it to "Yes ma'am, I am. But I tested out of ninth grade, so here I am."
“My name,” Mrs. Jenkins said. “Is Mrs. Jenkins..." -? "My name," Mrs. Jenkins said, "is Mrs. Jenkins..."
Sitting with his feet up on the desk and hands behind his head, was the boy who had run into her earlier that morning. -> I'd just leave the comma between "head" and "was" out.
“Please take your seat, Miss Stevens.” She barked. -> “Please take your seat, Miss Stevens,” she barked.
“You know,” he said slowly, and carefully to make sure that she heard every word. “I don’t want you to sit here either. You see, I’m not particularly fond of jeeks like you.” -> “You know,” he said slowly and carefully to make sure that she heard every word, “I don’t want you to sit here either. You see, I’m not particularly fond of jeeks like you.”
Annette wasn’t paying attention she didn’t care about any of this. -> Annette wasn't paying attention. She didn't care about any of this.
Maybe, but it would be better for everyone. Jordan wouldn’t have to sit next to her, Mrs. Jenkins wouldn’t have to suffer by having her in homeroom, the other students wouldn’t have to associate with her. -> I'd put an "and" between "homeroom" and "the".
... Where’s your precious God now," he mocked. -> I think I'd put a question mark instead of a comma.
Maybe he got caught behind. She thought. -> Maybe he got caught behind, she thought.
Not a whole lot of mistakes, but my nit-pickety self had to point them out to you.
Now onto other things:
This error is oh-so tiny that nobody else would probably notice except for me. XD In the beginning, Mrs. Jenkins says that she hopes that Annette is supposed to be in 37B. Slightly later on, Mrs. Jenkins is welcoming her to 37A. Now, since it is midnight in my neck of the woods, I could just be reading it wrong, but I wasn't sure.
Onto bigger things. I think my main issue with this is some of the details (don't know what else to call them) are cliche. As Skins and AfterTheStorm pointed out, it was definitely cliche that Annette had eggs and milk poured on her. I've only seen that in movies, so yeah. I know that high-schoolers can be ruthless, but I'm not necessarily sure that they'd do that.
Next is Mrs. Jenkins. I think she's a bit rude to be a teacher at a private school. I currently attend one, and I know that the people that have applied to be teachers are carefully reviewed before being selected for the position. If teachers ever refer to students as "idiots" at private schools (or I think public schools, for that matter), they wouldn't be keeping their jobs much longer.
Lastly are Rebecca and Elliot. I agree with Skins that it is slightly unrealistic that they'd be all over each other when they're in a private school.
Overall, I think you are a fantastic writer. Your work is quality-enriched, and I just love it. Here and there, some sentences could be given some spice to them, but that's not a major deal. I really like how you started the first two chapters with a Bible verse.
This chapter made my night a little bit better.
Noelleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Hi.
So I think this is another great chapter overall. The general quality of your writing is very good, I must say, and nothing stood out to me in terms of grammar and punctuation. It's just very neat overall really, especially considering you say you haven't edited this before posting it. Annette's character is progressing nicely, methinks, as is the plot. This is probably just the adrenaline junkie in me, but I do feel that your plot may be progressing the tiniest bit slowly, but I'd hardly call that an issue. If I feel the pace is still a bit slow int he next chapter, I'll go into more detail about it, but right now, I don't' see it as a problem. Overall a good chapter, so yay.
And now I shall delve into critiques! My main critiques sort of revolve around the school itself, and its morals and what not. I'll start with something really minor, which is the size of the classes in this school. If I remember correctly, you mention in the first chapter that it's meant to be a really good private school for geniuses and what not. Now obviously I live in Britainland and you live in Americaland (I think), so things are going to be different, but it's widely known over here that private schools have small classes. Smaller than regular schools, that is.
It makes sense too. I mean, children will learn more effectively and more quickly if they are placed in smaller classes because the teachers have less children to concentrate on, and the problems kids have with their work can be more quickly solved. This whole smaller class size thing is one of the things that makes private school 'better' than public school. Sooooo, do you see where my issue is in this chapter regarding class sizes? It just seems unlikely to me that the class size in a private school would be so much bigger than the class size of a regular school.
Something else I can't help questioning is the behaviour and attitudes of some of the students in this private school for geniuses. I'm not saying they should all obey authority like mindless robots, but I can't help feeling that considering this is meant to be a really good school for highly intelligent people, some students seem to be awfully disrespectful and pretty darn stupid really.
Take the lovely Elliot and Rebecca.
Like I said before, I come from a different neck of the woods entirely to you, but no way would two students in my non-private school sit on each others' laps and do who knows what in front of an entire class with a teacher in the room. They definitely wouldn't do it without expecting to get in trouble. I mean, that's just plain stupid of them. The fact that this is meant to be pristine private school makes it doubly unrealistic. As I stated previously, I don't expect them to be perfectly behaved robots, but do you see why this does strike me as a bit unrealistic? Just because they aren't Christians, it doesn't mean they lack morals or any sense of respect
On a similar sort of note, I can't find helping the character of Mrs. Jenkins a little strange and unrealistic. It's not really the fact that she's so rude and blunt towards Annette and her religion or anything, but just as a teacher as a whole, she seems pretty much awful. Firstly, she logically must have let Elliot and Rebecca grope each other for a while considering she only told them to stop once she was already on his lap and they were already doing something inappropriate. Secondly, her general attitude is very unprofessional and unenthusiastic, and thirdly, the way she speaks to the children is even more unprofessional. I mean, she literally refers to her students as idiots. Now it's rare you'll find a teacher like that in a regular school, let alone The Lincoln School of Acumen.
Now don't get me wrong, I do actually like Mrs. Jenkins character because she is kind of funny and her attitude is amusing, but I kind of feel like she's a bit too much. The hiring process for private schools is very intense and very detailed, and so they wouldn't just hire anybody. Even if Mrs. Jenkins had played a character during the hiring process, she would almost be guaranteed to have been sacked by now because of her attitude and behaviour in class. Kids would have complained, surely. Maybe I'm looking too deeply into this, I don't know, but considering the type of school this is meant to be, Mrs. Jenkins seems like a very... unlikely character.
And finally, I have one more nit-pick for you. It sort of echoes something AfterTheStorm said, and that's the whole scenario with the kids throwing eggs and fish and stuff over Annette. Maybe The Lincoln School of Acumen's cafeteria food is a lot different to the food in my school, but where on earth would these kids have gotten eggs and fish from? I mean, they don't just throw fish and eggs at us in my school like there's no tomorrow, especially as it's meant to be the start of the day and lunch wouldn't' have been served yet. You could argue that these kids would have brought food from home, but then why would they have done that? I mean, who were they to know that a jeek would be starting in school today? I don't know, I guess this whole idea of kids throwing things over Annette seems a little difficult to grasp for me.
But yus, negatives aside I do think this is a really good chapter. Your writing thus far is consistent, and the quality is awesome. The only real issues I have concern the school itself really, so you could wrap my critiques into one really. I'm just a pain in the butt who likes rambling on and dragging things out. With consideration of some of the issues I've mentioned though, I think this chapter could end up being pretty epic. And of course, if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, just let me know and I shall get back to you as soon as I possibly can.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey there, Noelle! It's Storm here, reviewing for ya! Before I say anything else, the entire time I was reading this, that Christian song, "Jesus Freak" was going through my head. -_- Now I can't get it out of my mind, and it's going to be stuck there until tomorrow. It's all your fault. Thanks a lot. *nudges you playfully* Just kidding!
Anyways, with your permission I'll gladly move on to the review. *waits for you to respond*
) The teasing from her classmates was very realistic, but the dumping of milk and other incredibly gross food items onto Annette's head was not. We see happenings like this all the time in movies, but it is truly not accurate. When was the last time you saw a bully pour eggs and fish on another student at your school? If you have witnessed an act like this before while at highschool, I am suddenly terrified of going to ninth grade next year!!! To me, that scene seemed a bit cliché to me. If you rephrased that section and toned it down some, that would be more truthful. I agree, the scene adds excitement and emphasizes the point that Annette’s peers do not welcome her and her beliefs, but it just… seems highly unlikely.
First of all, I noticed that you had no spelling errors! (At least, none that I caught, anyways.) I applaud you for that. However, there were a handful of grammatical mistakes that I noticed, one being, "'Please take your seat, Miss Stevens.' She barked." Instead of placing a period after "Miss Stevens", swap it with a comma. This happened here, too: “Maybe he got caught behind. She thought.” That darn period after “behind” has to be a comma, and the “s” in “She” would be a lowercase letter.
You repeated the same tiny error when you wrote, "'My name,' Mrs. Jenkins said. 'Is Mrs. Jenkins.'" Since the teacher is continuing her sentence and you simply broke it up by adding "Mrs. Jenkins said", the period after “said” should be replaced with a comma, too. Also, "Is" in this sentence needs to be lower case for the same reason. Mrs. Jenkins is continuing her phrase. This is how it needs to look: "My name," Mrs. Jenkins said, "is Mrs. Jenkins."
This is just a little nitpick I have about the previous sentence you wrote, and you can disregard it if you like because you are the author of this passage, after all. Since the name "Mrs. Jenkins" is repeated twice, almost consecutively, it causes the sentence to sound odd to read. It's wibbly wobbly, if you would. (Hehe. Timey wimey.) *cough* *cough*
Another mistake like its predecessors occurs here: “'You know,' he said slowly, and carefully to make sure that she heard every word. 'I don’t want you to sit here either...' Following "every word", there has to be a comma instead. You get the idea now. So, onwards and upwards! *cues triumphant music*
Moving on now, you did a very good job of making the reader sympathize with Annette throughout this chapter. Guh, it was pitiful what happened to her! However, there's a but. (Isn't there always one of those somewhere in a review though?
Lastly, I wanted to point out something on your sentence structure. At times, the sentences in a paragraph felt very bland and repetitive because you didn’t compose them differently. For instance you wrote, “Laughter filled the hallway. It bounced off the walls and echoed in her head. It was like everyone in the entire school was laughing at her. She had no allies, no one willing to stand up for her. Not even Peter came to her rescue. Maybe she was wrong about him.”
All but one of these sentences was very basic in set up, and therefore this section was monotonous. Does that make sense? I am definitely not saying that simple sentences are bad or wrong, because authors still need to incorporate them into our works. Even so, when they are followed back to back by other very short, plain sentences, it doesn’t make for a great outcome. You are left with a decent outcome. Never settle for decent, my dear Noelle! You are a talented writer, on the brink of discovery! Try spicing up this work to make it even more enjoyable to read.
*puts on official reviewing glasses, attempting to look proper* *starts talking in a snooty voice* I took great delight in this chapter and am looking forward to its successor when you publish it, hoping that Annette’s journey will grow easier. (Sadly, I have a feeling that it is only going to become rougher, though.) As always, it was a pleasure reviewing and I will gladly do it again for your upcoming chapters! Write on!!!
With warmest regards,
---Storm
P.S. It was quite late when I typed this up, so I apologize for any mistakes I made in this review. Maybe you will have to write a review of my review! xP Haha