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For The Want Of Bread And Jam

by NivedaJames22

Bread and butter sounds lovely together,

But I'm sure that I would prefer jam.

The perfect brie isn't what I desire,

Oh waiter, just bring me my jam!

I won't settle for a slice of cake,

I think I mentioned jam,

Not to spread between scones you'll bake,

No, thank you, I want bread and jam!

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30 Reviews

Points: 2655
Reviews: 30

Thu Apr 08, 2021 6:02 pm
AtlasWut wrote a review...

Hi, NivedaJames22! Atlas here to review your poem, For the Want of Bread and Jam. Before I begin, I just want to remind you that anything I critique is merely a suggestion, so feel free to use or discard any or all of this review as you see fit. Also, I have no intention of being harsh or impolite in this review, so if anything I say appears rude or insensitive, please let me know so we can sort it out. That being said, let's get into it!

Overall Impression
I liked this poem! It's simple, light-hearted, and sweet, with a bit of humor. There are no glaring mistakes. Great job!

Things I Liked
I really liked the rhythm this poem had. It flows very well and has a nice lilt to it. I also really liked the little snippets of imagery you scattered throughout the poem. You used fantastic descriptive language.

Things I'd Edit
Like ForeverYoung299 said, I think the line "But I'm sure I'd said I prefer jam" is a bit clunky. I think it interferes with the flow of the poem a bit. I would alter the word order a bit to clean it up:

But I'm sure I'd said I that I prefer jam

I also think the last line is a little clunky. It feels a bit too long for the rest of the poem; it sticks out a bit. I would shorten it to something like:
No oh please thank you, I want bread and jam!

To Conclude...
There were no glaring issues regarding grammar or diction, only a few nitpicks in regard to the syntax of a few lines in your poem. The imagery and descriptive words you used throughout were great. Fantastic job!

I can't wait to see what else you publish to YWS!

Happy writing,

Thank you! I'll make those changes in the poem

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154 Reviews

Points: 877
Reviews: 154

Thu Apr 08, 2021 5:43 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...

Hello!!! Here for a short review!!!

But I'm sure I'd said I prefer jam

Will not it be I would say? Or you prefer ‘I had said’?
No other nitpicks!!

This was awesome!!! As @SabrinaSalem1 mentioned, you could use some metaphors. Why do u prefer jam?? 😂😂 But, I really liked it! All the best for the jam and bread!! You will get it!

Keep writing!!!

~Forever're write it should be "I would". I hadn't noticed that error.
Thanks for reviewing!

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Thu Apr 08, 2021 1:37 pm
SabrinaSalem1 says...

Wow! That's a good poem!😊 But I think you should put more feeling into it like using some metaphors etc. And you should use words and your imagination to describe your love for jam and to make it more funny.Express your poem in such a way so the audience will feel the way you feel about jam .
Good work!👏👏

Thank You! Actually I was trying to avoid too many metaphors and stuff...I just wanted to write something simple for a change...But I will keep your advice in mind for my next poem.
Thanks for reviewing!

I'm worried about the tigers just kinda roaming around like that, Jack.
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