z

Young Writers Society



Cookies Before Bed

by NivedaJames22


There was a box of cookies

Kept on top of the shelf

That Mother would take down

Just before bed.

~

It was huge and golden,

With a ribbon on top,

She says that's because

It's a gift for our mouth.

~

She'd open it slowly,

Taking the lid off,

And spreading the scent

Of cookies in the air.

~

She'd tell me to pick one

I'd pout and ask for two,

But then she'd insist,

And I would give in.

~

She'd take it from me,

And break it in three, 

One for herself, 

One for Father and me.

~

I'd nibble on my bit

To make it last longer

And to stay up with them

Just a little while more.

~

At the end, I'd have more

Crumbs on my dress

Than cookie in my mouth,

And mother would laugh.

~

Then Father would pick me up

And they'd take me to bed,

And tuck me in well,

With a goodnight kiss.

~

I think of this now as I lay in bed,

Grown up and alone.

I remember these things

And smile to myself.

~

I remember Father's beard,

Tickling me as he'd lift me

And also Mother's smile,

How they made me feel wanted.

~

But most of all I remember, 

Why we'd split one cookie 

Instead of having three.

It was 'cause we were a family.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
26 Reviews

Points: 29
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Apr 18, 2021 6:35 pm
nightshadows wrote a review...



Hi! This is nightshadows bring a new comment live to a theater near you! Ok, so enough of my uniqueness here are my thoughts:

Oh my gosh I love your poems! As a kid my family wouldn't have a cookie jar but something similar. (probably because if we had a cookie jar I would take all the cookies and my brothers and I would go into a hunger games situation). But I think this story was so cute! Especially the end where you finish with happy memories with the family. It makes me fell a happy soft gentle warmness inside and I think it is so nice! Please keep writing more of your amazing poems! Great job! :D






Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it! (:



User avatar
42 Reviews

Points: 424
Reviews: 42

Donate
Sun Apr 18, 2021 3:44 pm
View Likes
Haraya wrote a review...



Hey there! Haraya here with a review!

Firstly, I'd like to complement how visual this poem was. You used concrete and sensory images throughout the poem and it made your poem easy to imagine and understand. I also liked the lighthearted tone of the poem. Another nice thing to point out is how you successfully established the persona in this poem as a child through voice and action (through pouting, nibbling, and leaving crumbs on the dress).

As for points for improvement, I think the poem lacked a climactic moment, something that would elevate its meaning. I expected one in this stanza:

"She'd take it from me,
And break it in three,
One part for herself, and
For Father and me."

The idea of a family sharing a single cookie made me think that the persona of the poem may be a child living in poor conditions, yet still finding joy in their situation through loving parents, but I realized the poem didn't follow through with this.

Instead, the poem ended too simply that it left me underwhelmed. I suggest try to find unique and interesting details that would add layers to your poem. It might help to try to explore what makes the experience of this poem's persona different.

Maybe the family is poor and the cookies in bed are there to help the child look past their poverty? Maybe the child is actually afflicted with a disease and the cookies are there to help the child to take medications? Or maybe the child is actually adopted and enjoying cookies in bed show how the child embraced his or her new family? It doesn't have to be anything I mentioned above (I think they're actually overdramatic haha), just something that can add a different perspective to the readers.

Anyways, that's all! Please take my review with a grain of salt. Hope you can find helpful insights from it. Have a good day!






Hey Haraya!

Thanks for your feedback...I wasn't actually imply poverty, I was thinking more like the mother makes them share a cookie to reinforce the importance of sharing and familial bliss...I'll try to make that clearer.

Thanks for reviewing! (:





Actually, I like the adopted idea...I think Imma go with that. Thanks for the suggestion! (:





@Haraya
I've made some changes now...Is it better?




Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare