Pile of stones in a wooden cart,
Waiting to be carried up the hil
And a dainty butterfly stands in shock,
Wondering how she could ever perform this task.
~
Hesitantly does she flap her wings,
And wonder if this task could be
The last and final one she executes,
And if the price really is worth it all.
~
As she ponders so, the others boo,
"Baby butterfly, she's got no backbone,"
And she puts herself aside and plunges in,
Lifting the cart with her thin, delicate wings.
~
But she forgot that she too has limits,
And that she isn't and doesn't have to be "superwoman",
And in her attempts to carry the world on her shoulders,
She forgot that she really doesn't have to.
~
This is what the world does,
It tries to make the butterfly lift the pile of stones,
Ignoring that she maybe just can't,
And that is okay, because she doesn't have to.
~
So, dear butterfly, this is a note to you,
You're wonderful in a billion different ways,
But remember sometimes you're going to be
Unable to lift some things, and that's okay.
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi! I'm here for a review.
I read this work before, but I'm reviewing it only now "^_^
I love how you portray our choices and thoughts, how we try to do things which we don't have to. The message you give, that we don't need to prove anything to anybody by trying something too hard, which we don't have to do.
Also, it's relatable how you explain that when somebody tells us that we can't do something, we try even harder to finish the task, just out of spite and the need to prove ourselves.
I think it's great how you write the last stanza in the second person. It sounds like you're talking to that butterfly within us, and not to some nondescript imaginary butterfly.
I think my favourite part was these two stanzas:
They both just spoke to me so beautifully.
In the first stanza of this quote, you say she 'forgot', but I think it would be better if it was 'she forgets'. But that's up to you.
I'd say you don't have to capitalize the start of each line, but again, that's up to you.
I found that in the last word of the second line, you've written 'hil'. that should probably be 'hill'
Other than that your poem was amazing!!
Keep Writing!
Yeah, I think Via had pointed out the 'hill' thing as well. I was gonna change it and then it slipped my mind. Thanks for pointing it out!
Thanks for the review! :>
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review. So... let's get started!
Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative
I adore this poem. This realistic theme of taking on so much and doing everything. Pushing yourself to the limit no matter what. That toxic productivity and need to give 200% all the time is so relatable and heartbreaking. It pulls on my heartstrings because I have this problem of "work till you drop." It's cost me much and I've ended becoming physically ill because of it. Don't not sleep for 3 days straight to complete assignments and work... it doesn't end well.
The overall tone of somewhat gently chastising the butterfly and giving this butterfly advice. Somewhat pitying yet validating the butterfly's feelings. It's very personal and beautiful. I love it.
Then this stanza
Now the narrator is chastising the world for being so hard on the butterfly when it's already so hard on itself. Those feelings highlight the theme of this poem, which is so crucial.
That last stanza just highlights all of those feelings, validates them, and gives a message that you can't fix everything and do everything and that's alright. It hits home for me. I can relate.
I mean that compliment in that second line and the overall advice is beautiful. Anyone can be that butterfly and anyone can be the narrator giving the butterfly advice. So this relatability makes this poem so unique.
Language, Diction, and Style
I love utilizing a consistent metaphor to tell a story. So this "butterfly" representing fragile and hardworking humans is perfect. The butterfly is both beautiful and fragile, just like them. So you chose a symbol well.
This stanza, with the figurative language at the end.
The imagery with that last line is so lovely. I can feel the emotion coming from that line with the butterfly doing more than it can handle. I certainly have done that way too many times. That stanza describes the butterfly being criticized and made fun of, hits home. It gives the reader the sense of how the butterfly may be perceived by the world and how their negative comments add to the hurt.
However, like what @Plume stated, I could use some more figurative language. Like some similes and imagery might add some more layers. Just keep it simple though.
I mean, your choice of diction and wording is perfect for the poem. Keeping the language simplistic and easy for any reader of any level to understand is so important for the theme to shine.
Structure, Flow, and Rhythm
Overall, your structure is very good. I like the consistency of the four lines, so I wouldn't change that. An ABAB rhyme scheme might work here, but I also really like it without rhyme. It's up to you. If you choose to add a rhyme, keep it consistent.
Like many young poets, including myself, rhythm is sometimes a struggle. Knowing what to leave and take out it crucial for poets. The main difference between poetry and prose is the sound of the words together. Read your poetry out loud. That helps one see the off beat rhythm. A lot of your lines can use punctuation. Utilizing commas and periods properly can enhance the flow of a poem and add layers or emphasis to certain lines. Some poets might forgo punctuation as a style, which is fine, but here it is necessary. Replacing certain words that have many syllables or eliminating some words can also be utilized to improve rhythm.
For example
Here remove the "and" at the second line to enhance the flow. Then add a period after "hill". The last line is a little wordy. With some experimentation you can come up with a better way to phrase it. But it's up to you.
and here
Add a comma after "could be". The word "executes" is a bit wordy. The risk of intricate vocabulary is the sentence structure being wordy. Since the simplicity of the diction and language choices makes the poem sing maybe replace "executes" with a two syllable synonym like "completes". Then get rid of the "and" in the last sentence.
Here replace the comma with a period in the first line of this stanza to add emphasis to this line. Get rid of the "and" in the third line, since it's not necessary. Or if you wish to keep the "and" phrase it like this "and as." However, it's up to you. Experiment!
Change the comma after "superwoman" to a period.
Replace the comma in the first line with a period as well as a period after "just can't."
and finally
Add a period instead of a comma in the first stanza as well as a period after "different ways".
Grammar
There really aren't many grammatical fixes. The ones that are there are probably simple typos that can easily be corrected.
In the first stanza you misspelled "hill" so just change that. In the second stanza add an "s" to make "wonder" "wonders". It makes more sense grammatically.
Then when lines utilize enjambment, they all don't need to be capitalized. Auto-cap is the bane of all poets. It's a pain to go through a fix it all, but it's worth it.
Final Words
Overall, beautiful! You are certainly very mature and talented for your age. I loved reading this. My critiques are all mere suggestions. Take them or leave them, it's all up to you. I adored this! It's speaking to me since this really describes how I am as a person. I'm a fragile butterfly. But this validation heals me. So thank you for that.
Keep on writing and never stop!
~ Via
Hey Via!
I agree about the flow and structure and rhythm, most of my poems could use a little work in those aspects. Thanks for those tips.
Also, thanks for pointing out those typos. I hadn't noticed them.
Thanks for the review!! I'm glad you liked the poem! :>
Anytime! If you would like I could follow you and you could follow me!
We can help review each others poems. I think you're very talented for your age. Even though I'm only like three years older than you.
Aww thank you. Of course. *follows*
I love this poem! It teaches us that sometimes,certain things aren’t worth it and you can’t cave in to peer pressure.It’s a lesson that is often overlooked,because we strive to be the best and forgery that we are only human.Good poem,I enjoyed reading it.Have a lovely day.
I love this poem! It teaches us that sometimes,certain things aren’t worth it and you can’t cave in to peer pressure.It’s a lesson that is often overlooked,because we strive to be the best and forgery that we are only human.Good poem,I enjoyed reading it.Have a lovely day.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
Greetings!!!!!
firstly congratulations on your literary work!!!
Its simply astounding that you have used such fantastic personification to convey an indispensable life message to your readers via a vibrant and colorful insect that enjoys in the lap of nature ....
your poem highlights the theme that everyone is unique in their own special way ... and that sometimes we are simply compelled to do things that we are incompetent in only because to show the world their criteria of judgements....
You have perfectly addressed this issue by stating that if it doesn't have to be done then its not worth it as additionally we're struggled with it...
your poem instils self confidence and firm belief in our abilities which is admirable
if the world pounces on us always remember to be brave enough to shout out your worth ..
overall your poem is a classic motivational poem during stressful times such as exams vice and interviews ... you have helped various people through your guiding heart ♥
I am sure that the butterfly of your poem has prevented people from having butterflies in their stomach....😁
looking forward for more such poems!!!!
Aww thanks Shayna!! I'm glad you liked the poem! Thanks for the review!
Hey there, and happy RevMo! Plume here, with a review!
I really enjoyed this poem! I think the message was absolutely superb and almost felt like a callout (I'm guilty of biting off more that I can chew—or I guess, carrying more rocks than I'm able to—from time to time). Regardless of my unfortunate personal connection, however, I think that it was marvelously crafted and simple yet so complex at the same time.
I think your simple stanzas with four lines and no rhyme scheme really serve to elevate the other parts of the poem. In fact, I feel like the structure itself is almost a testament to the message itself; you don't have to do everything for it to still be effective. I think that rhyming wouldn't have suited this poem, and you were able to build up a nice rhythm without it. It was super great at delivering the message you wanted it to. Nice work!
I also really enjoyed how you address the butterfly at the end. I think that did a phenomenal job of tying the entire poem together, and it also allowed you to use the "you" pronoun, which meant at some points, you were kind of addressing the reader, too. It was quite heartwarming and uplifting, and (again) really helped hammer home your message.
The only thing I could critique would be the overall figurative language; since this is a poem, I would expect to see some. You've got great imagery sprinkled throughout (I loved the line about her "thin, delicate wings") but there were some stanzas like the fourth and fifth that maybe could have benefited from some more figurative devices to really sell those messages and images. It's not strictly necessary, but it would be interesting to play around with it, just to see what you come up with.
Overall: great job! I think this poem was a lovely little work, and I hope to read more of your poetry soon! Until next time!!
Thanks Plume! I'm glad you liked it.
Hey Niveda! Incoming review!
I like how we get introduced to the butterfly right away. And I can't wait to see more of her perspective. I think for the second line you meant for "hil" to be "hill" and I also think the last line is too long syllable wise. Perhaps you could take away "ever" for that line to make it flow better.Your poem intrigued me so here I am with a review! I'll review stanza by stanza.
Maybe the wording of the first line is weird. I couldn't read it in a nice way, it sounded complicated. But I love the idea of a butterfly having a task to do that could be her final mission. The contrast between an impossible mission and a delicate, beautiful butterfly is something I really like.
Aww I want to give the butterfly my support. Everyone else is booing. It's great to see some onomatopoeias in a poetic work! And we know what her mission is now! She is moving the cart herself as a small butterfly with virtually no weight. I'm really wondering what her motives were, though. It would be an even more interesting read.
Ah I think I see now. Really, the butterfly is representing fragile humans. She's trying to keep the world in check when she has no power over it. And the booing from the previous stanza moved her to push herself to her limit when she didn't have to. I like the little change in perspective, even if it wasn't intentional.
Ooo we're touching on toxic productivity. It's really important to see some works that don't glorify working yourself down to the bone. Humans and butterflies are fragile, we can't handle everything thrown at us. We can't handle these extremely long work hours. And that's okay.
Aww this made me smile from the inside out. I love how personal the poem gets to the reader, like you're kneeling down to me to say this. I'm probably going to be coming back to this poem when I feel like I need to lift everything but I know I can't. You're there to say, "That's okay." Thank you.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! You are such a strong and touching writer! Keep it up because you'll touch many more with the more poems you make. Anyway byeeeeee<3333
Thanks for the review FireEyes! I'll correct those errors soon.
hi @NivedaJames22 its jay here to give you a quick review on what i read on your poem!!!
first off NivedaJames okay so far at soon when i read this poem it was good and i really got some lines in the poem that i like from it As she ponders so, the others boo,
"Baby butterfly, she's got no backbone,"
And she puts herself aside and plunges in,
Lifting the cart with her thin, delicate wings. like this poem was some good effort in it NivedaJames just want to keep up the great work
Second the compliment of your poem is just keep doing your best and keep working hard thank you for putting your effort in the poem NivedaJames
3rd how you can improve keep up the nice work and just keep making youngwriters proud and just keep being you and i hope we see more of your work soon i have enjoy your poem
keep writing and the good effort @NivedaJames22 by jay!!!
Thanks for the review Jay!
@NivedaJames22 i wonder how you put them emojis i wonder how