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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 7

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

The cave was cold. Freezing actually. Devlin stumbled behind Carris for a few yards as they felt their way along a narrow crevice in the rock, devoid of all sunlight. He grunted as his foot slipped on a small stone and he nearly barreled into Carris. She might have looked back to see if he was alright, Devlin couldn't see, and he figured that with what had just transpired, she was probably at mad at him as she was anything else. 

Can't say I blame her. 

But he hadn't had a choice and wrestling her to the ground. If that knight, whoever he was, had seen them, then. Devlin recalled the woman flying through the air into the creek. He shuddered. Some things were scary. Like riding a horse. But this knight was something else. Something worse.

Something magical. If that even exists.

A light flickered against the walls of the narrow passageway lighting up the last few steps into what appeared to be a small cavern. Devlin also noticed at that moment that Carris -it was Carris right?- had a definite limp in her step.

"You're limping," he offered up, his voice bouncing off the walls despite it being just above a whisper.

Carris didn't even look back.

Devlin shrugged. This girl had plenty of attitude, and he didn't have time for it. If she didn't want help he wasn't going to offer it up anymore. There were bigger things to attend to. The stepped into the cavern and Devlin started taking inventory immediately.

"Did any of the Town Guard make it out?" he asked, surveying the crowd of half-dressed, bleary-eyed townspeople.

Silence.

Devlin sighed. "Alright, listen up. We made it out, so you can thank whatever you want to for that. Now, we need to get set up for the night. I wa-"

"Now hold on just a minute!" blustered a man much overweight, pushing his way through the two dozen fellow townsfolk. "Just who are you? How do we know you're not one of those Sadorians? What the blazes is going on,"

Devlin held his hands up as the man strode to him. "Fair questions," he said. "My name is Devlin, and I'm a private in the Royal Army. And if you've got eyes you can I'm clearly not from Velhurland," he said, referring to darker skin that shone like bronze in the torchlight.

"As for the situation," and he hesitated. Would they believe his story?

"Well?" a woman demanded angrily from the group.

Devlin mentally shrugged. No sense in putting it off. "Hoden's Pass was overrun by the very same Sadorians that just burned down your town."

Now there was a commotion as all at once half a dozen questions and interjections chorused the cave walls.

"What did he say?"

"Hoden's Pass? Impossible," someone humphed.

Devlin raised a hand again. "I know that this is hard to believe, and frankly if you don't want to believe me than you don't have to, but know this: we are stuck in this cave until they find us, or we can find a way out."

"No, it's not just hard to believe," someone said from the crowd. "King Ordem swore that it was impregnable. That it was impossible with so much snow in the path."

Devlin raised his hands. "With all respect to King Ordem, it appears we were all wrong to believe that. It's not what's important right now though."

The chubby man began to interrupt but Devlin raised his tone, putting authority into his words. "We are going to figure out how to get through this night without freezing to death. Then, and only then, will we begin to discuss what to do next.

"Now, if there's any firewood in this cave then I want it stacked right here in the middle," he said, pointing to the center of the cavern, "and if anyone managed to grab blankets or shawls then I want you to bring them to her," he pointed to Carris.

Her eyes widened. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I need you to get a count of how many blankets we have. There are children and elderly that we need to prioritize."

"Let them figure it out," Carris said, turning to the crowd.

Devlin inhaled, holding back his tongue. "If you want to survive more than the next couple of hours then you need to stick to my orders."

Carris laughed. Laughed! "Oh, right soldier boy. That what they told you up at battle training?"

Devlin glared at her. "Do as I say or get out of the way. I'm through with your attitude. You almost got us killed twice tonight, so maybe you should start listening to someone other than yourself."

Devlin walked past her without waiting for the inevitable comeback she had ready. He tugged his jacket close to his body, more in keeping his temper aimed towards inanimate objects rather than foolish little girls. He did hesitate for a moment though. He was new to this whole authoritative position. It was the first time he got to give orders, and it was weird, strangely addictive.

I like it though, he smiled to himself. This is just the beginning.

He hesitated still. Perhaps he had been too harsh on the girl. Her life had just been flipped. But right now one's feelings weren't as important as staying alive. And that might very well depend on his leadership abilities.

As long as they weren't murdered in their sleep or froze to death first.



~ ~ ~ ~ ~



The townsfolk listened to Devlin surprisingly well, quickly scrounging the cave for any wood or burning material. A quick look found that there was indeed none. Devlin groaned. The cave was cold. Far too cold to survive till dawn. Going outside meant risking being seen. He had no idea as to whether this had been an unfortunate attack caused by his attempted intervention, or whether Potter's Creek had always been their intention.

Rather die by the sword than freezing.

The second task, that of retrieving and distributing the blankets to the neediest was taken care of by a younger girl who had barely said a word to Devlin but seemed to want to help, unlike her friend Carris. Devlin nodded to himself. At least someone was helping. He turned to the group, who had, for the most part, remained near the center of the cavern.

"I'll speak plainly," he said, teeth chattering. "If we don't get some heat in this cave then we'll more than likely going to freeze, blankets or not. I can't guarantee that the Sadorians have left, but we have little choice."

Probably shouldn't have added that last bit. 

"So, who's with me?"

Six men stepped forward, including the chubby man from earlier. Devlin nodded. That should be enough. Devlin led the group through the narrow passageway with the aid of torchlight, until they were near enough the entrance to hear the wind howling outside. He held up his hand.

"Listen up. They may still be out here looking for us. Now this will go against all instincts, but if you should be seen and chased, you must not, I repeat, must not lead them back to the cave, or they'll have all our heads. Understood?"

There seemed to be hesitancy in the group. A few shuffled there feet while the rest wrung their hands. Devlin tossed the torch on the ground.

"Those are your family and friends. It's your choice whether they live or die. Now, you should split in groups of three. Is there a way to reach the top of the waterfall?"

"There's a cluster of knotted tree rots on the bank. Should lead all the way up, but be careful of the ice."

Devlin nodded. "I'll get up there and see if I can spot which way the Sadorians have headed, or if they're still around." Devlin nodded, more confident now that the plan was laid out before everyone.

"Grab as much timber as you can and meet back here as soon as possible."

He stepped out into the cold and instantly the confidence waned.

Perhaps this wasn't the best idea.


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Thu Oct 05, 2023 12:15 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey again Mess!

I'm just going to skip the preamble and dive right in.

A light flickered against the walls of the narrow passageway lighting up the last few steps into what appeared to be a small cavern. Devlin also noticed at that moment that Carris -it was Carris right?- had a definite limp in her step.

It felt a bit weird for him to be wondering this now when he's just referred to her by name in his head multiple times over the last couple of paragraphs.

Devlin held his hands up as the man strode to him. "Fair questions," he said. "My name is Devlin, and I'm a private in the Royal Army. And if you've got eyes you can I'm clearly not from Velhurland," he said, referring to darker skin that shone like bronze in the torchlight.

This means he has darker skin right, not the Velhurland? I had to read this a couple of times to make sure, so maybe just a clarification (you could add 'his' between 'to' and 'darker'?).

The chubby man began to interrupt but Devlin raised his tone,

Just a nitpick, but I think this should be voice rather than tone.

"Let them figure it out," Carris said, turning to the crowd.

This didn't feel in keeping with the character we saw in earlier chapters - is she in shock?

My biggest surprise was this:
Something magical. If that even exists.

I'd kind of got the impression that magic was just taken for granted in this world, so I was surprised Devlin wasn't aware of it. Is it something he specifically is in denial about, or do his feelings reflect those of the world in general?

It was good to see how he's reacting in a position of power, and I think the tension between him and Carris was good too. I'm keen to see some of this from her perspective too, namely because she'll actually know some of the townsfolk and we'll get a better idea I think of who's actually there.

Until next time!

Icy




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Wed May 26, 2021 5:42 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Ooh, character development. I like.

Devlin stumbled behind Carris for a few yards as they felt their way along a narrow crevice in the rock, devoid of all sunlight.

Isn't that obvious? Isn't this taking place during the night?

If that knight, whoever he was, had seen them, then.

Then what? If this was meant to be a dramatic pause, I'm too silly to see it :P

The stepped into the cavern and Devlin started taking inventory immediately.

I don't think Carris actually mentioned that a lot of people were in the cave, so shouldn't he be a bit more surprised? And what she did say suggested that the cave was small, but it turns out to be a small cavern large enough to hold quite a few people... two dozen, to b precise.

"Now hold on just a minute!" blustered a man much overweight, pushing his way through the two dozen fellow townsfolk. "Just who are you? How do we know you're not one of those Sadorians? What the blazes is going on,"

Firstly, his dialogue should end with a question mark. Secondly, the question itself feels very odd and unrealistic. Even if he was scared, the man should be able to distinguish between a soldier of his country wearing his uniform and a Sadorian.

And if you've got eyes you can I'm clearly not from Velhurland," he said, referring to darker skin that shone like bronze in the torchlight.

I'm a little confused. Is Sadoria the same as Velhurland?

"Hoden's Pass? Impossible," someone humphed.

I actually like how the townspeople, being humans, continue to remain stubborn and obstinate in the face of death. It's quite realistic. XD

Devlin walked past her without waiting for the inevitable comeback she had ready. He tugged his jacket close to his body, more in keeping his temper aimed towards inanimate objects rather than foolish little girls. He did hesitate for a moment though. He was new to this whole authoritative position. It was the first time he got to give orders, and it was weird, strangely addictive.

I like it though, he smiled to himself. This is just the beginning.

This should have bled through the story; you shouldn't have just put it out there so your audience immediately gets a filter. They need to SEE how he's becoming more authoritative. Show, don't tell.
I also think his thoughts are inappropriate for the situation. If he was any good leader, he wouldn't be thinking about what a good leader he is; he'd be planning ahead. Especially when he says "This is just the beginning"; how does he even know that? He can't want more towns to be burned to the ground. And he should think of getting these people to safety.

As for the last few paragraphs, I agree with BlueClues. You can condense all of it into a few sentences and just mention how his confidence vanishes when he leaves the cave.
Also, as a soldier, I think he should have assessed how defensible the cave itself was. I mean, the entrance is tiny; one man with a spear could hold it for quite a while against a large group of enemies.

This was a pretty good chapter, but still clearly more of a filler than it could have been. Devlin's character development is certainly important but could have been resolved by making one of the previous chapters have his POV and not Carris'.

See you in the next chapter!




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Mon Feb 17, 2020 2:27 am
Lib says...



Just a thought, but: Aren't there footprints in the snow? Because if so, it'll be easy as pie for the Sadorians to catch them... o.O




Messenger says...


Yes, it's an oversight that has been pointed out ;P



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Tue Jan 01, 2019 10:30 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Mess!

Shady back with another review for you, as I promised I would be! I'm excited to see what you have in store for me this chapter! Let's get started...

If that knight, whoever he was, had seen them, then.


I think? this is an incomplete sentence. Then what? Then they were doomed? Then she would have had much worse done to her than being tackled to the ground? All of the above? There's tons of ways you could end this sentence but the way it's written now doesn't really make sense.

And if you've got eyes you cansee? I'm clearly not from Velhurland


Just missing a word here.

~ ~ ~

Another good chapter! I like how you mostly alternate with high action chapters with chapters like this -- which are still exciting and tense and high-energy, but which aren't quite as angst inducing as the ones before this one was haha. It's a nice breather chapter to regroup your emotions before another battle happens -- and, it's good for your characters as well.

I like to see Devlin stepping up to leadership in this chapter. I mean obviously he's not going to be great at it right away -- but I like seeing him at least making an honest effort to be confident and authoritative in an attempt to keep the village from falling apart now that the Sadorians ripped everything from them. It's good character development.

Is the fat man Malcolm's father? And the other girl Gwyn? It makes total sense that you didn't name them since this is from Devlin's perspective and he wouldn't know who they are and I think it makes sense for his character for him to not ask for names -- but I'm just trying to put everything together in my mind as to who is doing what.

Excited to see where you take this in the next chapter! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:42 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Messenger! I see you've got three chapters in the green room and that's exactly how many I need to be reviewing. :) So let's see what we've got!

Plot Thoughts

You do a great job building up this tension between Devlin and Carris - as a reader I can almost feel it. Here for instance: "Devlin shrugged. This girl had plenty of attitude, and he didn't have time for it." It feels so much like Devlin really cares, but at the same time he doesn't want to - those paradoxical emotions keep going through this chapter.

Also love the tension as Devlin has to be interrogated by all these different people about what he's doing. Gives some excitement for the reader as they wait for whatever's going to happen next.

Overall I like the plot moves you made in this chapter - Devlin's got this tension coming from all directions, from Clariss, the people, the elements and he's trying to hold it altogether and act in charge. You leave us a little bit of a cliff-hanger at the end, as Devlin is second guessing his little plan which is interesting too.

Character Comments

Love this little insight into Devlin's character: "It was the first time he got to give orders, and it was weird, strangely addictive." then a bit later it says that feelings weren't as important to his leadership abilities - which is ironic considering how he seems to be acting at least partially according to his own feelings. He seems like a complex character! And this feels like a little premonition that maybe he'll take this giving orders thing too far later in the story.

You give a lot of good asides and character insight for Devlin and Claris, I'd like to know a little more about these people though - why are they so quick to agree to take orders from this stranger invading their area, Devlin? What makes them trust him? I think giving a little more insight into their motivations, even if it was just one character giving voice to them, or Devlin assuming why they are listening to him would help the reader better connect with what's happening and also make it more realistic.

Your characterization's normally pretty good - I would recommend not using weight, race, or mental illness ever as a stand-alone /only character description though. It's better off using in conjunction with additional characteristics rather than being the main and only one. Because when you use those aspects without any other descriptors, it often comes away as being stereotypical and can offend/turn-off readers. For instance here: ""Now hold on just a minute!" blustered a man much overweight, pushing his way through the two dozen fellow townsfolk."
mentioning his weight is fine - but giving a secondary characteristic - like maybe dirt on his face, or a thick accent or beard, or wooden shoes - would make him more than just his weight and help avoid stereotyping.

Nit-Picks
I noticed a few areas where your sentences get a bit difficult to follow - or it feels like you're missing the complete thought - not a big deal now for a first draft, but something to keep in mind for edits.

This whole paragraph for instance:

But he hadn't had a choice and wrestling her to the ground. If that knight, whoever he was, had seen them, then. Devlin recalled the woman flying through the air into the creek. He shuddered. Some things were scary. Like riding a horse. But this knight was something else. Something worse.

Has a bunch of partial sentences that are difficult to get through. Sometimes partial sentences can be effective in adding a bit of drama or emphasis (especially because people themselves don't always think in complete sentences!) but I'd say that should be used sparingly because it gets a bit taxing for a reader to get through if there's a whole paragraph of them. To indicate halted speech or thinking I'd recommend changing the subject often, or using hyphens, or commas rather than a series of incomplete sentences.


I thought you had a pretty good balance of inward reflection/outward reflection, description and action in this chapter. And the tensions of everyone being kind of on edge helped move the story around and kept me interested in what was going on. :)

Let me know if anything in my review didn't make sense!

(Also I didn't notice any graphic violence or language in this chapter, so you might want to double check the rating setting unless I missed something! You might be missing readers because of the high-content-warning!)


~alliyah

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Messenger says...


thanks for the review. I just decided to rate every chapter that rating, since some chapters/will contain a lot of violence.



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Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:47 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I'm so mad at myself because I wrote this yesterday and then utterly forgot to post it. Guess I'm posting three reviews today instead of two to stay on track!

So does magic exist openly in this world or not? Because I sort of took it for granted, probably in part because of the initial appearance of the knight back in chapter one or two, that magic existed and everyone knew about it, but here we've got Devlin thinking "if that even exists." I think it would help if I'd had a sense earlier that Devlin's astonishment at the knight had to do with potential magic use - right now it just feels like it's 100% because the knight is huge, wears a horned helmet, broke through Hoden's Pass, etc.

Wow, so does Carris not care about any of the townspeople? Like I know her life in the town hasn't been the best, but I didn't get the impression that it was so bad as to justify her going "Let them sort it out themselves" when Devlin tries to put her in charge of distributing blankets. Yikes.

This honestly feels like a filler chapter that in future drafts could be condensed. Admittedly, I haven't read the second half yet (and won't until tomorrow, when I'm ready for two more reviews), but most of this part of the chapter is concerned with practical matters that can be skipped over. "Knowing the people would freeze to death if they passed the night in this cave with no heat, Devlin sent several townspeople out to collect blankets and firewood. In the meantime, he climbed up to the top of the waterfall to see if he could spot which way the Sadorians had headed." Boom, done. Two sentences and we can get back to the action.




Messenger says...


Hey Blue, thanks for being so fast with these reviews and for sticking with them :D Magic doesn't really exist in this world that people know of. Later on you'll find out more about magic and prophecies and whatnot. This is something I'm looking at making more obvious in draft two when I re-write chapter 1 but thanks for pointing it out because I had kind of overlooked it. This is sort of a filler chapter. I was hoping that it would be nice to get a more in-depth look from Devlin's POV since he hasn't gotten a lot of attention in my mind.

Carris is kind of just fed up with everything including Devlin, so it was more of a shot at not following his orders than not caring. She's had a rough night xD




That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead