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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 2

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Devlin came to with a start, inhaling deeply, only to choke on the snow that shot up his nostrils and begin hacking up his lungs. At the same time, he could feel someone on top of him, keeping him pinned against the ground. The ambush! He must have passed out. I'm not dying like this! He jabbed an elbow back into his attacker. Nothing happened. No grunt of pain, no snarl of anger. Devlin prepared to ram him again but then it all came back. The black-armored knight with the horned helmet. General Vokoun. 

Devlin dug his elbow into the general's ribs and twisted his body off. It landed with a soft thump in the snow. Devlin sat up, eye darting back and forth. But there were no enemies. The sun was going down. How long was I unconscious? He wiped snow and crusted blood from his brow, wincing as his hand brushed against his left eyebrow. His eye was swollen within a hair of being shut. He noticed the dull throbbing of his head as well. Devlin grunted and turned towards the general's body. He shrieked and scrambled backward at the sight of the headless body, holding down vomit. His hand bumped into something metallic and he turned his gaze from the body to it. It was a helmet, buried facefirst in the snow. He picked it up. The General's hel- The general's head plopped into Devlin's lap. 

"Aah!" 

Devlin vomited. A lot. All over his boots. He shoved the head out of his lap, then sat there for a moment, absolutely aghast. He didn't know how to react. What to think. His hands sat at his side. limp, and his head hung forward. He could feel and hear his heartbeat in the silence. Silence? Devlin dragged his head up and took in his surroundings for the first time, being sure to flit over the disembodied general. 

Hoden's Pass had been decimated. The watchtowers were prostrate, blown into a million splinters, the soldiers' tents were flailing in the wind, half unhooked from the tent stakes, and what was left of the makeshift mess hall, nothing more than a large tent with wooden tables was smoldering in the gentle breeze. Devlin's mouth hung open. How did this happen? How did the Sadorians get through the pass?  He pursed his lips. It really didn't matter how it had happened, did it? It just had. 

~ ~ ~

A quick survey revealed that there were no survivors. Devlin held back the tears at first as he recognized friend after friend, strewn in the snow, but by the end he let the warm tears trickle down his cheeks. After a moment of quiet sobbing, he knuckled his eyes and sniffed. Pull yourself together. Remember your training. Observe surroundings, identify threats, come up with a strategy. He inhaled once deeply, closed his eyes and swallowed hard, then clenched his fist. Whoever did this would pay. 

His observations told him that no one was alive and that the assault party was long gone. He had to warn someone though. Whoever could trample through Hoden's pass, back up, whoever could get to Hoden's Pass was someone to be worried about. Devlin found only a few Sadorian bodies compared to the two-hundred Astorian troops. He noted the distinctions between Sadorians and Astorians were quite apparent for a country whose founding ancestors were brothers. The Sadorians were broad, blond and blue-eyed, with squarish faces and impressive beards if Devlin was being honest. There were also black tattoos running up and down their necks, cheeks, and if Devlin had to guess, their arms as well, although with their heavy fur coats and hoods he couldn't tell. 

Devlin quickly rifled through the jackets and jerkins of each Sadorian, looking for a hint as to who they were. He found nothing except the wooden carving of a bull painted black, in every Sadorian warrior's clothing. Devlin raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. A black cow? That's not Sadoria's coat of arms. He rammed one of the carvings in his pocket and wrenched his sword from the first Sadorian whom he had killed. We may have come from the same ancestors, but Astor would have never allowed for what your people have done. And neither would King Ormen. 

Devlin dug through the wreckage of the officer's tent, procuring a satchel which he jammed a map of Velhurland, two canteens. and what little rations he could salvage into. marched past the carnage that was Hoden's Pass to the stone bridge that curled over the small creek and connected the pass road to the trail down the mountain. Devlin knelt as he crossed the bridge. The footprints of the Sadorians veered off into the snow, headed east, and after about twenty feet the tall snow was blown away in a path wide enough for five men to walk side by side. Did they shovel a path?

Devlin plunged into the waist-high snow, doing his best to shuffle where the Sadorians had already trampled it down until he came upon the clear path that winded down the creekbed, over a small rise, and out of sight. The snow rose on both sides of the cleared path like white waves, tossed aside by the wind. This was no man's doing. Devlin rolled the carving in his pocket. He reached in his satchel and pulled out the map. It was a local map, with only the nearby mountain range, water sources, and local settlements. Devlin followed the creek with his hand. It ran east, wiggling its way for several miles down the mountainside till it curled around a small town. Devlin squinted. Potter's Creek. If the Sadorians got their first it would be the next Hoden's Pass. 

There was no army camp between the pass and the settlement, the nearest one being at the base of the mountain. Atheron was well past Potter's Creek. Too far to reach in time. Devlin rammed the map back in the satchel and set his jaw. It was up to him. Potter's Creek. Sounds quiet enough. Devlin rolled his eyes. Not for long.


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Sat Sep 30, 2023 8:12 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Yay Devlin isn't dead!! I'd assumed as much, but since you killed off Frasier in chapter one you can never be too sure.

I was surprised at the start that Devlin wasn't more groggy. He's just been in a fight and knocked unconscious, so how is he able to jab backwards into his attacked with any force?

He jabbed an elbow back into his attacker. Nothing happened. No grunt of pain, no snarl of anger. Devlin prepared to ram him again but then it all came back. The black-armored knight with the horned helmet. General Vokoun.

Devlin dug his elbow into the general's ribs and twisted his body off.

This whole section feels like it should have been more laboured, like he should be struggling more.

Devlin found only a few Sadorian bodies compared to the two-hundred Astorian troops. He noted the distinctions between Sadorians and Astorians were quite apparent for a country whose founding ancestors were brothers. The Sadorians were broad, blond and blue-eyed, with squarish faces and impressive beards if Devlin was being honest. There were also black tattoos running up and down their necks, cheeks, and if Devlin had to guess, their arms as well, although with their heavy fur coats and hoods he couldn't tell.

We don't know anything about the Sadorians and Astorians yet do we? This felt like maybe not quite the right place to introduce them - it would have been helpful I think to have a little intro in chapter one before we get into all the action?

Devlin was also very quick to make up his mind on what to do next. I'm all for it, but given this was his first battle and he had to force himself to remember his training, I was a little surprised he has so much direction already.

See you for chapter three!

Icy




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Fri Sep 08, 2023 2:08 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, Messenger!



Image

Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all:

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

I love the fact that Devlin is going for “revenge”.

I mean I would too, his friends are dead. And most importantly, I want to know why. Poor General, RIP. The Sadoria’s are very brutal and mean (from what I read out of your descriptions, very vivid). I wonder what the black cow means. I guess I'll have to wait for that one. I think it must be hard forDevlin to see so many of his friends dead, I hope he finds out soon what's going on. (I mean, he is called Private Devlin for a reason 🙂)

Great job keeping the suspense in there, your descriptions are of master class. I like the touch of reality in there with his swollen eye, the vomiting and the heavy snow.

I think you did a great job on making chapter two a success too. You are certainly holding me in suspense.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉




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Mon Sep 04, 2023 10:17 pm
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Kaia wrote a review...



Huh, so the guy survived (well obviously), and he's all alone, now with no other survivors from his army? That's sad. He's obviously got quite a bit of stamina. He's half-dead, but he's still got his brain working all right. That's impressive. He can even recall lines from his training. I will say that maybe adding a little more detail about the pain he must be in would be useful and add a little more realism. This guy took no light beating if I'm reading this right. ;)

The beginning had me quite disoriented, BUT that was really good! I expected the dude to wake up in a hospital cot or something, so I thought the guy he was trying to wrestle with would be a doctor, but nope! Nice surprise with the dead body there. Devlin is still in the snow right where he fell. We readers didn't miss anything. Nice touch.

I have to say that the part about the head "plopping" out of the helmet was a little hilarious--I'm not sure if it was supposed to be, but I literally almost laughed when I read that. I think it's the use of the word "plopped" there. If you're looking for a more serious word, maybe try "fell"? But I thought the humor was nice as it broke up the seriousness of the situation a little.

I also really like your development of the two warring peoples. The cow carving really interests me. I wonder if it's a religion or something, and Devlin not growing up among these people doesn't know that? Oooorrrrr....is this something magical? These tattoos of these people also interest me. You keep mentioning them like their an important detail. *taking mental notes here* Hmmmm....

Well, that's it for this one!
-Kaia




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Tue May 25, 2021 6:41 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello again! I'm here right after finishing the first chapter.

After reading previous reviews I realise you actually made an effort to change some things, which is quite commendable.
Overall, this is a good follow-up to the previous chapter. I like how it picked up almost immediately after the last major event.

Now, some nitpicks:

only to choke on the snow that shot up his nostrils and begin hacking up his lungs

This feels like a weird description, but I've hardly even seen much snow, so I can't say whether this is what it's actually like or not.
Oh, and it's began. Not "begin." Wrong tense.

He noticed the dull throbbing of his head as well

I feel like you could have opened the chapter with this. Perhaps, "Devlin came to with a start, inhaling deeply, only to choke on the snow that shot up his nostrils and began hacking up his lungs. This increased the dull throbbing in his head, and he let out a soft groan of pain."

His hands sat at his side. limp, and his head hung forward.

I assume this is a typo? There ought to be a comma before "limp."

Devlin dragged his head up and took in his surroundings for the first time

But this isn't the first time. He already " sat up, eye darting back and forth," and observed that there were no enemies around him. You need to go over this paragraph again.

procuring a satchel which he jammed a map of Velhurland, two canteens. and what little rations he could salvage into.

There's a fullstop in the middle of the sentence, where it shouldn't be.

Devlin rolled his eyes.

This gives the impression that he's annoyed or not taking this seriously enough. Why would he roll his eyes when he knows that the people in Potter's Creek are in danger of annihilation?


Well, that concludes another fairly satisfying chapter. A lot of my questions still haven't been answered, but hopefully those will be dealt with in the coming chapters. I'm pretty excited to see where this will go!

~ Lee




Messenger says...


so when you inhale snow that is light and fluffy (which it is when it's so cold that it won't be melting into water) it acts a little bit like flour or cinnamon powder where it chokes you up lol



LittleLee says...


Ah okie okie my bad



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Tue Feb 11, 2020 5:36 am
Lib says...



Dev, you're alive!!

Oh my god. O-O RIP, general, but you're awfully disgusting.

I dunno if you ever thought of this, but when Dev shrieks when he sees the general's head on him (o.o), he seems fragile, and then he sees a buncha dead bodies, and he cries, but then after he recalls his training. With training... wouldn't Dev be used to this situation by now assuming that the trainers have taught him how to handle a situation like this one?

Anyways! Nice chapter! My buddy is out for revenge!! >=)

(And my tablet is dying along with the other dead bodies, so I'll get to the next chapter tomorrow. See ya then!)




Messenger says...


haha seeing dead people is a lot different than being told about them. This is his first combat



Lib says...


Ah I guess you have a point there. xP



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Tue Jan 01, 2019 3:25 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey again Mess,

Shady back with another review for you, as promised! I'm interested to see where you're going to take this, after all the drama from the last chapter! Let's get started...

He shrieked and scrambled backward at the sight of the headless body, holding down vomit.


So... I have no idea how well trained Devlin is, but honestly this felt like a bit of a... dramatic? response from him. I mean you just said that it all came back to him, with him understanding that it was the general's body lying on top of him, so surely he'd also remember that the general got beheaded before falling on him, yeah? So shouldn't he have been expecting to see a beheaded body there?

And even not, it seems like an extremely bad idea to yell as much as he's been yelling in those moments. What if the enemies left behind a scout or two? Or what if there's another troop of enemy soldiers coming through? Screaming only alerts them to the fact that you're still alive, and you'd think he'd want to avoid exactly that lol.

And again, I don't know what sort of training he has -- maybe he's a rotten soldier that got drafted and he doesn't want to be there. I don't know. But if he's had any sort of training I would think? that being able to control himself and his outbursts would be some of the first lessons he learned in his boot camp, no?

How did this happen? How did the Sadorians get through the pass?


Oooh, now some of the later chapters are making more sense. No wonder he's so desperate to stop them. xD It's partially his fault that the Sadorians are there to begin with.

~ ~ ~

I liked this chapter! It was a nice breather after all the action from the previous chapter, and gave us a bit of an insight into Devlin's character, more than the fight was able to do. I liked seeing the progression from his borderline panic to backing up and thinking through the situation and coming up with a plan. Way to rationalize, Devlin! Good job, buddy!

I am really fascinated to know what the Sadorians are up to, and curious to know if Devlin is going to get to that next little village before it gets massacred... guess I need to read on to find out! Onward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Tue Oct 02, 2018 9:55 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm back to review finally

I'm a bit thrown off by the "snow that shot up his nostrils" description. If he's just come to, I don't think the first thing he'd be paying attention to is what's causing him to cough. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm coughing or hacking up something. I don't know. It's just an odd detail that I'm not so gung ho about.

Even though this is going to sound disgusting, I wanted to hear more about Devlin throwing up. Hear me out. Throwing up is one thing, but what leads up to it, the reason, the physical feelings, and that moment of recognition, really make it mean something. Plain throwing up tells me that he's disgusted. However, I know that there's more to that feeling. Other things are going on in his head. What leads him to this point? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I like to see these kind of reactions in detail. Not like what he actually threw up of course... I'm rambling now. I should stop.

He didn't know how to react. What to think. His hands sat at his side. limp, and his head hung forward.

The part I underlined explains what you said in the part not underlined. You don't need both of them. You don't need to tell us that he didn't know how to react or think. You show that with the limpness and head hanging.

I'm not a fan of the break. There doesn't seem much of a need for it. I understand you not wanting to waste time having him wander around looking at dead bodies, but you can easily pass over that with the narration. Actually, you kind of do. "A quick survey revealed that there were no survivors." There's your time lapse. We can assume from there that he's taken the time to look everywhere. The break makes it choppy and breaks the flow.

I liked this chapter. Despite nothing much happening, it showed us more about Devlin. It's good character development as well as moving the plot forward. We were thrown into an ambush in the first chapter and are now left to pick up the pieces. We're almost stepping back from it all like Devlin is. That's a cool parallel between us and the character. Your narration is pretty solid. We move through the story despite not moving on from this slaughter. It was good.

I shall try my best to review some more soon.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:13 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Oh cool this is still in the GR. I thought my burnout would have meant I left it too late.

Nit-picks:

1. Assorted typos

2.

His observations told him that no one was alive and that the assault party was long gone.

Repetition of nobody having survived the attack.

3.
Whoever could trample through Hoden's pass, back up, whoever could get to Hoden's Pass was someone to be worried about.

"back up" was confusing here. It maybe sounds like it could be Devlin's thoughts, but because it's not italicised it sounds a bit like you speaking directly to the reader, which is a bit disjointed from the voice of the rest of it.

4.
We may have come from the same ancestors, but Astor would have never allowed for what your people have done. And neither would King Ormen.

This seems to wordy a thought. People don't normally form full sentences like that in their heads. Flashes of thought like "wait" or "what's that" work because they convey brief flashes of sentiment, but if Devlin was going to go through the process of formulating these words it seems more likely he would say them out loud.

5.
Devlin rolled his eyes.

That seems like a very strange thing to do, like he's tired of this, as if it happens all the time. I'd have expected him to gulp or tensely set his jaw or something.

Overall:

So, while the action is progressing at a good pace here, I'm not really sure how to get emotionally invested. I don't really know Devlin that way, so it's hard to immediately put myself in his place and get invested that way. I don't know what the war is about. The fact that there is a town in danger is good, but it's quite briefly mentioned and it's not very detailed. I think if you had Devlin thinking with dread about the civilians that would be in danger (think of the children!) it would be easier to get hooked and want to make sure he got there in time. I know this can be tough to hear because you've probably got attached to Devlin at this point, but you just have to show me why I should care also ^.^

That's all I really have to say - good pacing, setting description, just the right amount of worldbuilding etc. If there's anything specific you're trying to work on that I haven't mentioned feel free to ask but for the most part assume that this was a pretty technically good chapter.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun Jul 15, 2018 10:03 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so my first question while reading this was because of this line.

How did the Sadorians get through the pass?


TO BE FAIR, you might have mentioned these people in the last chapter and made it clear that they were the ones attacking, but I wondered how he knew who had attacked when he'd just come to and hadn't yet investigated. Like all he had seen so far was the general carnage, not anything to tell me that he'd know who attacked.

It might also be interesting to mention them in the last chapter - I'm thinking before the attack begins, perhaps as part of the banter between Devlin and his friend (i.e. "ugh don't see why we have to be on lookout on a day like this! there's no way the Sadorians are going to get at us here" or whatever) - as it'll give us more of a sense of who Devlin thinks the enemy is (I assume it really wasn't the Sadorians) and the potential for more stakes early on.

Right now, I'm not sure what the stakes really are? Like there's the obvious loss of life from this attack just now, but I don't have a clue who the Sadorians are or why they and Devlin's crew hate each other or what they're fighting over or why Devlin and his homies were guarding this particular pass that's supposed to be impossible to get through anyway. So I think that's probably my main problem right now - I don't even have a personal reason, like Devlin's particular reason for wanting to be part of the army (or whatever) or his particular reason for jumping to conclusions about the Sadorians or anything like that (and personal stakes and things like that are probably easier to tie in this early in the story without infodumping).

So I think it's making it tough for me to connect to his character, because I don't know why Devlin cares about any of this, therefore I don't know why I should care about any of this. You've got a good opportunity for it in this chapter. Remember his banter with his friend in the last chapter, right before the attack started? That was good, but in this chapter you just have this.

Devlin held back the tears at first as he recognized friend after friend, strewn in the snow, but by the end he let the warm tears trickle down his cheeks.


Be specific! Instead of telling me that he's sad because all his friends are dead, show me some memories - you don't need much, you certainly don't need a whole flashback, but it would be helpful to show at least one friend in particular who he sees dead before him and give me just a line or two about a specific memory he has involving that friend.




Messenger says...


Yup. Everything you said is jut.. yup. xD I feel like I have a lot of what you are talking about that I know, I'm just struggling to not feel like it would be an info dump.

I didn't mention the Sadorians in Chapter 1, I forget to put their name in there, so you were right to point it out. About not caring for Devlin, do you think when I do re-writes that perhaps starting this story with him finishing up boot camp and going to Hoden's PAss would help with knowing the stakes and meeting/caring for his friends more before?



BluesClues says...


Perhaps, but honestly just starting earlier in the scene that you already start on would help? That way you still get to the action/main story pretty quick, but you'd have more time to at least hint at a little more of this information before this massive attack starts.



Messenger says...


okay, maybe just talking to Frasier for longer or something? Mentioning Sadorians and where the rest of the army is etc?



BluesClues says...


Yeah, I think that would help, provided you can do it naturally, and then if you use a few specific memories when he sees his friends dead rather than just "all his friends were dead."



Messenger says...


ok yeah, I'll make a note of it for rewrites. I really intended to have more backstory in this chapter, but idk it just ended up being really short




Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk