z

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 12

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

The smoke was tangible in the dark, mixed with a tangy smell of roasted flesh that left Carris with no course of action to put one hand to her nose or else choke on the stench. The fire had subsided, and there nothing but the crackling of dying flames in the pitch black. Carris had heard but not seen the attack. She hoped that it had been the Sadorians who had met such a terrible demise, but the death screams were such a violent and alien sound that it could have come from any being and would be nearly indistinguishable from the next.

She now pressed toward the center of the cave, arm outstretched, feet shuffling in an attempt to bump, rather than collide full force, into any rocks -or corpses- that she might stumble upon. From what little moonlight filtered from the above gap in the cave roof she could see a light about thirty yards ahead. It could be a smoldering corpse, or it could be a torch.

Carris glanced behind her, then up above. That dragon could be anywhere. Perhaps it had left the cave system, or perhaps it was feeding. Carris couldn’t bring herself to believe that it was gone. That would only be too fortunate, and fortune was something Carris had lived in short supply of her entire life.

It’s out there somewhere. There was a crackle to the left of Carris a few feet ahead. She groped toward it until she saw small embers emitting from a blackened heap. Carris plugged her nose as she leaned down with the other. She could feel the heat rising from the smoldering corpse. There was a sticky presence in the air. Carris could feel the sweat roll down her temple despite her frosty breath. She stuck out a tentative hand, running her hand over the corpse. She was hoping to find a dagger, ax, something to put in her hands. Her hand hit something hard, like a rock, in what was left of the Sadorian’s jacket pocket. She grasped onto something heavy and blazing hot. She yelped as she wrested her hand away, letting the object fall to the ground with a soft thunk.

Carris shook the heat away from her hand, wincing. There was a definite burn across her fingertips, she didn’t need to see it to feel the tenderness and heat. She hesitated for a moment, realizing that she had made a sound. There was nothing. No scraping on the walls, no ominous growls. Carris felt around the ground, now soggy from the melted snow mix with dirt and gravel, until her hand hit a small patch of snow. She led her hand back to the scorching object and nudged it to the snow with her boot. With her uninjured hand, she covered it with snow, keeping the bile that rose in her throat as a fresh wave of stench hit her nose. It was charred and yet almost sweet.

Carris snatched up the object, still warm, but no longer unbearably hot, and shoved it in her pocket. She felt around the corpse again. If there was anything else metal it would be just as hot.

Her hands slid over what felt like a thick branch, then her hail struck metal.

A dagger. She wrenched the dagger’s wooden handle from where it had been jammed underneath the corpse. It disintegrated into a pile of ashes.

“Oh, come on!” She whispered in an angry tone, sighing.

There was a clack. Carris froze. Clack. Her heart dropped. Clack.

It was back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacoby shoved Devlin for the fifth time, sending him stumbling forward, just barely catching himself against the stone wall. He clutched the sword in his hands, teeth gritted.

“I swear, you so much as touch me aga-“

Jacoby kicked him square in the back. This time there was no catching himself and he crashed to the ground, the sword clattering off the wall. “You were saying?”

Devlin pushed himself up, wiping the mud off his face, snatching up the sword. “I may die, but I’ll take you with me.”

Jacoby nodded. “I believe you, but it’s too late.” He pointed past Devlin. “Destiny waits,” he said.

They had reached the cave entrance, a black, ominous hole into a inky expanse. Jacoby accepted a torch from one the Sadorians and handed it to Devlin.

“To give you a fighting chance,” he said, trying his best to keep his wheezy laugh back, but he couldn’t help it and out rolled a guffaw. Then his face hardened, eyes glaring at Devlin. “Move it.”

Devlin bit his tongue, just keeping down the urge to strangle Jacoby right then and there.

Bide your time. Survive first. Then revenge.

He entered the new cavern, eyes adjusting to the improved lighting that the torch provided. The cavern was much bigger than where they had come from. There was even some moonlight poking its cautious head in. Eridan entered beside him but said nothing. Devlin eyed the black blade hanging on his side.

That would turn the tide.

Jacoby flanked his left. “Get moving.”

Devlin gripped his sword, wiping his nose and clearing his throat. “I said I would take you with me,” he said.

Jacoby looked at him with his head cocked sideways like an inquisitive pup. Devlin’s blade was already coming forward. A scream flashed around the cavern, causing all to turn, even distracting Devlin enough that his wing stuttered as he jerked his head around toward the scream. The blade sliced across Jacoby’s right arm, leaving it dangling in a dangling, bloody, mess.

Devlin jumped away, avoiding a vicious swing from the Sadorian behind. He turned to face the oncomer, but Eridan held up his hand.

“Stop!” He bellowed, and the Sadorian complied in an instant. “He has nowhere to go. And that dragon is still hunting. Let this brave soldier choose which he thinks he can take on,” he said drawing his blade. “Go on, choose your death. I can guarantee you that a dragon has nowhere near the amount of imagination that I’ll have with your worthless self.”

There was another scream, this time coming closer. There was now a heavy set of footsteps and a snarl. Devlin turned, peering into the faint light. Then he saw it. A girl sprinting straight towards him, with a blasted dragon behind her, head reeling back, a warm glow flowing up its neck.

“Move!” Devlin yelled, diving to the left into a pile of snow that shot up his nostrils. He coughed and choked on the snow as he felt a wave of heat swirl across his heels. He was up in an instant, clasping his head as pain hammered through it again. He looked through blurry vision to see the girl headed his direction still.

Carris?

She rushed past him. Devlin glanced back at the dragon which had slammed into the Sadorians as it tried to change directions quickly. They were sent bowling into the wall. Eridan had avoided the miscue and had his sword drawn. Everything in Devlin told him to run, but he stood captivated. Eridan shouted something and an invisible force sent the dragon reeling back on its scaly back. It screeched and rolled back on its two clawed talons. The fire rose in its chest and it spat out like water in a spigot. Eridan was rushing forward though and caught the fire? Devlin didn’t know how to word it. The fire simply stopped in its trajectory and swirled like a wave in the sky, then swirled into a veil of smoke.

A hand gripped Devlin’s shirt and forced him to turn.

“We have to go, now.”

“Carris?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, the Queen of Xiera.”

Devlin blinked twice. “Sorry.” He shook his head, focusing himself. “Where do we go?”

Carris nodded in the opposite direction. “That way. Lave the torch. Dragon’s blind but it can hear you all the way across the cave.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because, we had a nice cup of tea and pastries, moron,” she growled.

Devlin huffed. “Okay, got it. Let’s go. Lead the way.”

Carris took off in the general direction. Was that a smile on her lips?


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Fri Oct 13, 2023 8:42 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi hey hello!

he smoke was tangible in the dark, mixed with a tangy smell of roasted flesh that left Carris with no course of action to put one hand to her nose or else choke on the stench. The fire had subsided, and there nothing but the crackling of dying flames in the pitch black. Carris had heard but not seen the attack. She hoped that it had been the Sadorians who had met such a terrible demise, but the death screams were such a violent and alien sound that it could have come from any being and would be nearly indistinguishable from the next.

This was some great description to kick off the chapter.

It’s out there somewhere.

Not sure if this was supposed to be in Carris' head but if not, watch your tenses :)

Devlin's character is certainly an interesting one. He's almost a bit chaotic which presumably doesn't coincide well with his training. He seems to be a mix between a bit afraid and then brazenly brave too; what a mix!

Carris and Devlin together are also proving to be a fun pair. I'm totally here for the dynamic between them but also her grumpy sarcasm. I'm glad she's not turning out to be the damsel in distress type because this version is way more interesting. Catch you for chapter thirteen!

Icy




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Sat Sep 30, 2023 9:08 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

I should mention that Carris had every right to be sarcastic at the end. Well done! I loved it. poor Devlin, though, the guy gets dragged all over the place by those Sadorians. I wonder what revenge from Devlin tastes like, looks like Jacoby is going to be pissed that he messed with him.

When I read that, my thoughts went immediately. Be on the alert, this is… Carris. And half a second later, Devlin was asking himself the same question. What a funny coincidence that they meet again, don't you think? Nice direction.

There was another scream, this time coming closer. There was now a heavy set of footsteps and a snarl. Devlin turned, peering into the faint light. Then he saw it. A girl sprinting straight towards him, with a blasted dragon behind her, head reeling back, a warm glow flowing up its neck.


You could work on:✒️

Apart from the typo over here, I was wondering where the other Villagers had gone. Wasn't she with a whole group or something? Where is Gwyn or her mother? Yeah, what happened to her mother, I wonder. No spoilers, but I hope that will be explained later.

The smoke was tangible in the dark, mixed with a tangy smell of roasted flesh that left Carris with no course of action to put one hand to her nose or else choke on the stench. The fire had subsided, and [/b]there was nothing[/b] but the crackling of dying flames in the pitch black. Carris had heard but not seen the attack. She hoped that it had been the Sadorians who had met such a terrible demise, but the death screams were such a violent and alien sound that it could have come from any being and would be nearly indistinguishable from the next.


Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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Fri May 28, 2021 8:33 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



I have given up on finding a new way to begin my review each time, so I shall plunge right into the content.

The smoke was tangible in the dark, mixed with a tangy smell of roasted flesh that left Carris with no course of action other than to put one hand to her nose or risk choking on the stench.

The bold words are the edits I made.

but the death screams were such a violent and alien sound that it could have come from any being and would be nearly indistinguishable from the next.

While the impression of this sentence was quite good, the wording itself felt a bit awkward.

Carris took off in the general direction. Was that a smile on her lips?

Very, very inappropriate and uncharacteristic of the situation. The sarcasm played in well; the smile didn't. This is the kind of incident they can laugh at when they're safe some place else.

I don't have too much to say with regards to this chapter alone. It's interesting and continues the story forward, but it's one of those chapters that's too short to leave an impact as an individual piece. It was congenial, though. :)

~ Lee




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Sun Mar 01, 2020 5:46 pm
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Lib says...



Carris and her sarcasm at the end is just... *chef's kiss* beautiful. Anyone who wants to take lessons on how to be sarcastic should go to her.




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Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:38 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Messenger!

How about you just imagine that I had something creative to say instead of this sentence, okay? Okay. Cool. Let's jump straight into this review.

The smoke was tangible in the dark,


Hmm... You sure about that? "Tangible" means "perceptible by touch" and unless it's some like odd magical quirk of the dragon you've created here, then smoke is not, in fact, tangible. I mean you can smell it, it can burn your eyes/throat, but you can't actually touch smoke, which makes it intangible, even though everyone knows it exists.

Carris plugged her nose as she leaned down with the other.


I think you're missing a word here somewhere? I assume you mean that she plugged her nose with one hand and then leaned down on the other -- but with the way it's written right now it almost seems like she was leaning down with a second nose lol

Her hands slid over what felt like a thick branch, then her hail struck metal.


I suspect you're wanting another "hand" here? I'm not really sure what "her hail struck metal" means otherwise...

A scream flashed around the cavern, causing all to turn, even distracting Devlin enough that his wing stuttered as he jerked his head around toward the scream.


Wind? The wind stuttered? Cause if he's got a wing I seriously missed a Major Plot Point at some point haha.

Also, is section wasn't super clear to me? Like, I read it a couple of times, but I'm not 100% who is screaming or why the stutter happened? Originally I thought it was the dragon coming at them but then that doesn't happen for a few more paragraphs past this and I was just all around a bit confused by this bit.

It is also possible that I'm just being dense tonight. I've had a long day and have been reviewing a bunch recently so I could just be being Dumb tonight -- but it was confusing so I thought I'd point it out, just in case it isn't just my brain refusing to understand haha.

“Because, we had a nice cup of tea and pastries, moron,” she growled.


Hahah, I love her so much.

~ ~ ~

Ooh! Action heating back up again! I kind of love how Carris rescued Devlin. I mean obviously she didn't lead a heroic charge and take on all the Sadorians or anything like that -- but she was still pretty responsible for him being able to get away. And I like that. It didn't feel unrealistic (aka if she HAD tried to fight all the soldiers and then somehow come out on top) but it still sort of was refreshing that she wasn't playing damsel in distress waiting for HIM to come rescue her, you know?

I do quite like your novel overall. There were quite a few small punctuation/spelling errors scattered throughout this (and in some of the other chapters as well) so when you do revisions I'd keep an eye open to be a bit more careful about that. But otherwise this was a great chapter!

I'm on to the last chapter I have to read before I'm all caught up!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Wed Nov 21, 2018 5:02 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



This was a satisfying chapter for me as a reader - love that part where all the tension's leading up to the two story lines converging as Carris runs in! I really loved when they finally met up again running from the dragon - that's just neat.

This was also really realistic - I felt like I was in that moment with Carris,

"She now pressed toward the center of the cave, arm outstretched, feet shuffling in an attempt to bump, rather than collide full force, into any rocks -or corpses- that she might stumble upon. "


I have some critiques here and there. First off, you have so many descriptors that include the word "hand" (16 times in this chapter) - it's just a lot! So vary your descriptors a bit, to sight and smell and other things too. Also there was a lot of description of "heat" and "corpse" references that got a bit repetitive/too much.

There were a few parts that were unrealistic, that mostly had to do with body movement things.

1) The dagger handle disintegrating - even though there was no sign it had been charred? Unless there's magic afoot - I don't think that's how it works.

2) Sometimes you put too many motions into one long sentence. Like these two sentences: "Devlin gripped his sword, wiping his nose and clearing his throat." and "Devlin pushed himself up, wiping the mud off his face, snatching up the sword" -- and in both cases Devlin is saying something at the same time that he's allegedly doing three actions at once - just seems like a lot to follow for a reader, and unrealistic that they'd happen simultaneously. Choose the actions that are most important, and leave out the rest.

3) At the end of the chapter, the way it's written it seems like Carris is turning away from Devlin and "leading away" - but Devlin still perceives her smiling? You might clarify either of those.

Lastly, I like that you've done some character development to show how Carris seems snarky and sarcastic, although in this instance it seemed like a bit much after running for her life to have so much of it all at once. Maybe have one snarky comment rather than two, or just leave it for a less tense moment.

Overall, you've got quality dialogue and description that are easy to follow, and actually make me want to continue reading to find out what happens next. Well done, looking forward to getting around to the next chapter.

~alliyah




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Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:28 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Man, what did Carris find? I am Curious.

Pretty ballsy of Devlin to go on and cut a dude's arm when all the Sadorians are right there with him. I'm a little confused by this, honestly. I realize they're more concerned about this dragon right now, but even so they don't seem like the type of dudes to just let this go - I'm not sure why Devlin went ahead and did it anyway, since he's outnumbered.

[quote]“Go on, choose your death. I can guarantee you that a dragon has nowhere near the amount of imagination that I’ll have with your worthless self.”[/quote

Okay, I guess I spoke too soon about them just letting him get away with it. I like this, that we really get to see Eridan present him with his options, like, "Which do you prefer, death by dragon or death by us? Because your only option is death."

A little surprised the Sadorians don't nab Carris right here, but I guess they're probably just as surprised by her sudden appearance (not to mention the dragon) as Devlin is. Although I have to say, it's occurred to me while reading this chapter that we're getting pretty far into the story without much happening Plot-wise. I mean, you're, what, 15 weeks into LMS? So if each chapter is 2000 words or thereabouts, on average, you've got about 30,000 words. But so far, if you consider what has actually happened in the story, it's not much - and I still have no idea what the Main Plot is going to be or if Eridan is going to be our big bad or if it'll be someone else.

TO BE FAIR, I have to say that I 100% understand this because wow do I still have this problem even with my second draft - my characters spend at least a third of my intended word count JUST to go get the Sword of Destiny. Ouch. I think it's a side effect of LMS - you don't want to run out of story too early, but the flip side of that is that you end up with a big, long, meandering story that doesn't get moving fast enough.

So it's not something you have to worry about right now - I definitely wouldn't worry about it until LMS is over - but it's something to be aware of.

I literally just read Eridan as Edna rip me

I forget if I've asked this already, but what's the deal with magic in this world? You kind of told me a bit about monsters, but I'm wondering again because of this bit where Eridan catches some fire in his hand and Devlin isn't sure how to word that, but I'm over here like, "Magic, duh." Maybe you said people don't really know about magic/don't really think it exists? In which case, if they treat it sort of the way we do in the real world, then I guess I can see this being the reaction when they see it used.

Omg I love Carris at the end of this chapter. Especially the bit where she says she knows this because she sat down and had tea with the dragon.




Messenger says...


Yeah, I feel like it's starting to drag a bit. I think once they get out of the cave system things will pick up and we'll really get moving with our core group of people and the plot advancing.

Yeah, magic is basically the same as we view it here. There is a prophecy coming up later that we'll see, that talks about magic and ressurection but basically, most people don't know much about it, and don't consider it real, so to see Eridan catch a flame with his magical sword is trippy.
haha yeah, Carris finally got to be sarcastic which I love. I'm so bad at humor so I try to not force it in and if it somehow happens to trickle down into my writing then yay



Messenger says...


Yeah, I feel like it's starting to drag a bit. I think once they get out of the cave system things will pick up and we'll really get moving with our core group of people and the plot advancing.

Yeah, magic is basically the same as we view it here. There is a prophecy coming up later that we'll see, that talks about magic and ressurection but basically, most people don't know much about it, and don't consider it real, so to see Eridan catch a flame with his magical sword is trippy.
haha yeah, Carris finally got to be sarcastic which I love. I'm so bad at humor so I try to not force it in and if it somehow happens to trickle down into my writing then yay




The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz