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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 15

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

It quickly became apparent that they weren’t going to get ahead of Eridan, at least not the first day. They never caught sight of the Sadorians, although they followed the path cleared by them through the snow. It was a four-day trek from Potter’s Creek to Atheron on a good day. Devlin wasn’t sure if the weather would hold up as well though. It was cold but sunny, and the wind, though present, was a mild breeze. One might deceive themselves into thinking that spring was nearly upon them, but in the Agressi Mountains winter clung on well into the year, and its attitude could change from sunny to stormy in a matter of hours.

The group traveled in relative silence. Gwyn attached herself to Carris for the entirety of the day, eyes downcast. For Malcolm’s part, he was always just behind the group, arms crossed. He never made a sound, although Devlin detected some animosity between he and Carris from the infrequent glances between the pair. It was a strange group that had survived. Of course, they were all young and agile, unlike many of the other townspeople, but Gwyn was nothing to write home about, and Malcolm just did not look like a healthy child. Carris alone stood out.

Sadoeian blood.

Devlin looked her over, back straight, gaze forward, the picture of composure despite the night and early morning’s chaos. Perhaps he had been a bit harsh with her.

That night, as they huddled around a meager fire that Devlin had produced from a fire-starting kit of flint and steel -one of the few things he had hung on to- he approached Carris who was sitting on a log and gazing into the fire. Gwyn was pressed against her side. Malcolm sat across the fire on his own log, despite Devlin’s advice of sticking as close together as possible for heat.

Carris stared on but spoke softly.

“Do you think they’ll see the fire?”

Devlin shook his head as he sat down. “I doubt it. They sounded sure that we were dead. And even if they do see it, they’re in as bad a situation as we are. There would be no point in coming back. They’ve got the lead.”

Carris seemed to be satisfied with the answer and busied herself wrapping an arm around Gwyn and rubbing her back. Gwyn inched closer and her head collapsed on Carri’s lap as she dozed off. Devlin felt a slight twinge in his throat. She had gone through so much. And she would likely go through more.

“Listen,” he started, rubbing his hands, more out of unsurity than because of the cold.

Carris met his gaze, eyes narrowed as if already prepared to give a rebuttal to anything he said.

He went silent for a moment and lowered his voice when he next spoke. “About what happened earlier today: I wanted to apologize.” He hesitated, not sure if Carris would shoot him down. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but said nothing. He tentatively went on.

“The way you composed yourself was remarkable. You handled the attack better than many soldiers might. Clearly you don’t like soldiers, for what reason I have no clue, and frankly, don’t care. But you have a gift.”

Carris cocked her head to the side at that. “What do you mean?”

“The way you avoided the dragon and Martius. Until the tree, of course.” he let a grin break his face and Carris immediately huffed and stared back at the fire.

Devlin put his hands out in apology. “I didn’t mean to mock. You could be a terriffic scout.”

Carris rolled her eyes. “Right,” she muttered.

Devlin wrinkled his forehead. “You don’t believe me?”

Carris shrugged. “Sure, whatever. What does it matter?”

“You can take care of yourself, and you can avoid people who need avoiding,” Devlin looked past the fire in the direction of Eridan’s plowed trail.

Carris let a laugh ring out through the still forest. “I get it. You want me to sneak past Eridan to get to Atheron first. I knew it. It couldn’t simply be a compliment. It’s always gotta be a command for Carris to follow.” She shook her head. “Always has been,” she added to herself.

Devlin stood, hands on his hips. “What is it with you? Who’s side are you on?”

“Excuse me?” Carris said in a harsh whisper.

“You make no sense, It’s like you’ve got this wish to see the war fall to pieces. You realize that if Eridan gets to King Ormen and he succeeds, that the Sadorains will come sweeping back into Astoria and this war will be over by the end of the year.”

Carris blinked. “I don’t make sense?” she mocked. laying Gwyn on her side and laying her head on the log so she could stand to meet Devlin, although his head was a good several inches higher. “You’re the foreigner here. Why are you so concerned with what happens in Velhurland?”

Devlin ran a hand through his hair. “Because those Sadorians couldn’t care less that I’m not an Astorian. They’ll kill me without a second thought, and frankly, they might kill you too. Or is that it? You have some connection with them? You some sort of spy?”

Carris jabbed a finger up at Devlin as her rose. “I don’t care about Sadoria, got it? And I don’t care about you. I care about me and my friends, and about getting off this forsaken mountain. I’m going to leave this country and forget this place ever existed.”

Devlin grit his teeth. “Fine. Someone has to get to Atheron before Eridan does. If you won’t go than I will. Good luck making it with those two,” he nodded to Malcolm and Gwyn, strapping his sword belt on. “I better get a head start on them.”

With that he stepped away. Carris turned her back, but he could see the anger welling up in her tense shoulders and rigid posture.

Devlin scoffed. “You know, I was actually going to give you a second chance. I thought maybe I judged you too harshly at first. Guess my instincts were right after all. You’re just like all the other cowards.”

Carris spun on her heels, face beet-red, and Devlin was sure that it wasn’t the fire’s reflection. “Oh, you think you know so much about me do you?”

“I know enough. You want change but you’re too afraid to face your problems head-on or take any responsibilty for yourself. Always got to have someone else do the work for you, and yet you despise the military that does that job.”

Carris growled. “You think I actually had a choice. You think I’m responsible for a pair of pathetic people, parents so-called, one of whom I never met? I was born into a hellhole and have worked to get out of it for the past two years.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “You’re just like every other soldier, calloused and cruel, here for your own glory as a soldier.”

“This isn’t about glory,” Devlin shot back. “Nothing I’ve done has been about glory. I have a far bigger plan than you could imagine, and it didn’t take my life being flipped upside down for me to act on it. Now, I’m going to give you one last chance to go ahead to Atheron.”

Carris began to respond but he held up a hand. “No more! Decide.”

Carris looked at the ground, wiping her nose and eyes with the back of her palm.

She took a look back at Gwyn, then looked back at Devlin.

“I’ll go. But I’m doing this for Gwyn’s sake, not yours.”

Devlin sighed. At this point he didn’t care what reason she went with, as long as she got to Atheron first. 


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Tue Oct 17, 2023 10:12 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



I like the scene setting/world building you do in the first paragraph. Even the simple part about the mountains holding on to winter is such a lovely little detail, it made me feel more at home in the world you’re creating if that makes sense?

It’s useful too to now have a very clear idea of the characters we’re moving on with. Devlin’s attitude to the three of them seems based on nothing, so that tells me he jumps to judgements based on very little. I hope he can overcome that!

Carris and Devlin’s argument threw me for a bit because I kind of felt like it came from nowhere. We have a bit of Carris’ background but I feel like it’s always been wrapped up in so much action I’m not even sure if this whole escalating a simple conversation is out of character for her. I think it just didn’t feel as natural as I would have liked.

I think overall I like the strained relationship between the two of them and it makes sense to me as a reader, but I just didn’t feel like we were at the point for it all to come to a head yet. It feels too early, and I’m sure they’ve got plenty more irritating each other to do before it ends in a huge fight!

Looking forward to having a new setting though, and being able to focus more clearly on our surviving characters!

Hope this was helpful

Icy




Messenger says...


Yes thw conflict here needs some work because Devlin actually makes assumptions that I know but he doesn't yet xD



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Sun May 30, 2021 11:15 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello again!

I'll begin by saying straight off that this actually felt like a new chapter. The previous chapters were almost all direct continuations of each other, which made the whole point of chapters lost. Some of them ended on mini cliffhangers, but a lot picked up in the middle of action sequences that had been cut in half for no reason.
So good on you for writing this chapter.

My next, major criticism may sound a little harsh; I'm really sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, but it's what I think.

Devlin and Carris' argument is silly. Looking at it from the writer's perspective, it makes a lot of sense to create some conflict and all because they're the two main characters, but as a reader... Well. Carris and Devlin have know each other for the entirety of a day or two at most. Devlin knows absolutely nothing about her. I mean nothing.

“I know enough. You want change but you’re too afraid to face your problems head-on or take any responsibility for yourself. Always got to have someone else do the work for you, and yet you despise the military that does that job.”

For example, this whole paragraph only makes some sense because the audience has read Carris' perspective. But Devlin does not know any of this. Whatever he's seen of her is substantial to judge her character with. You're essentially using him to show the audience what Carris' big internal conflict is, but that's not a good thing because you gave up realism for it. As a writer, you need to actually step into the boots of your characters; it's like roleplaying. You may know something your character doesn't, and you have to ensure that your character does what's realistic and not what's convenient. Devlin did what's convenient; he threw out Carris' struggles so the audience can know her better. But in reality, even if he's a completely rude jerk he wouldn't have said these things because he doesn't know anything about her life. He can't say she's running away from her problems; what problem is he talking about in the first place? She ran to her abusive mother. She ran to save him in the cave. On what basis can his character possibly make this statement?

This renders the rest of their big fight pointless, because it's too early in the story for it to have happened. The characters have developed, yes, but they haven't known each other long enough to have a fight like this. What Carris says makes sense; he doesn't know anything about her. But she shouldn't have had to say it in the first place, because Devlin saying "I judged you wrong" was a statement purely intended to create a conflict that only the audience can understand both sides of.

I hope I was able to make myself clear.

Moving on. The first half of the chapter was very well written and actually quite enjoyable to read. The fight, however, felt extremely forced, and that's what tainted my experience a little. My suggestion would be for you to cut that whole part out, and replace it with a conversation they have that lets them get to know things about each other that the audience already knows. For example, Devlin could ask her why she was unwilling to help distribute the blankets earlier, or she could ask him what happened at Hodden's Pass. That's a lot more realistic than the two having a fight about issues they shouldn't even be aware of.

Well, that's all I have to say. I'm sorry if I was harsh! I genuinely like this story and want to see it properly fleshed out.

~ Lee




Messenger says...


i never got a notification for this review but thank you so much! You really found a blindspot I had with the fact that Devlin doesn't know those facts about Carris. I will definitely mark it down for revisions.



LittleLee says...


Omg okay I'm very surprised, I didn't think you were still very active! It's great to have you back!

I reviewed all the chapters, as I promised years ago



Messenger says...


I'm not nearly as active as I used to be! :( So I didn't realize that you had written all these reviews which I will be reading now :)



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Thu Jan 03, 2019 1:30 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hello! I figured I'd help this out of the Green Room. I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'm just going to go by what I see here, if that's alright with you!

From what I can tell, things are getting tense! It sounds like these characters are facing some pretty big challenges and it seems to be taking a pretty big tole on their working relationships. I'm curious to know why they have to be the first ones to get to Atheron (you may have mentioned why in this chapter, but I guess I didn't catch it- sadly I'm like that sometimes. I'm sure they have a good reason though, and I'm sure you've most likely mentioned it in previous chapters, if not this one). The desperation/tension throughout this chapter I feel really shows through! I definitely felt on edge.

but Gwyn was nothing to write home about, and Malcolm just did not look like a healthy child.


I felt like I wanted more reasons for why Devlin felt this was about these people. Why was Gwyn nothing to write home about?- I especially want to know why Devlin thinks this, since Carris seems to think the opposite if Gwyn is the reason for her going ahead to Atheron. Perhaps you gave reasons in previous chapters for this, but I just thought I'd point this out in case not.

And she would likely go through more.

“Listen,” he started, rubbing his hands, more out of unsurity than because of the cold.


Maybe it's because I was jumping in, and didn't know the genders of your characters off the top of my head, but I found at times that I was a bit confused as to who was talking, and had to reread previous lines carefully to figure out who was saying what. I guess the reason why this group of lines confused me the most is because the last person that was mentioned was referred to as a 'she' and the next was referred to as a 'he'. I think after talking about one person, it might make it less confusing to start off with the character's name, rather then they're pronoun. It could be mostly just me.

The other thing I noticed was that this chapter was almost entirely an argument! I mean there's nothing super wrong with that, but it is a little tiring? Maybe give us something more? I don't know what, it just seemed like the characters were arguing mostly. It might also be interesting if one or more of the other characters joined the conversation? It's just a suggestion!

And something else I thought, was I felt like Carris gave in a little too easily. One minute she's super mad at Devlin (from what I can tell) and upset and crying, the next she's saying she'll go. It just seems really fast? Especially because she came across to me as potentially rather stubborn, so it just seems strange. Just thought I'd mention that.

In any case, keep it up! c:

-Holysocks




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Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:22 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Mess!

I'm back at the Review Day reviews, and just noticed that you have several chapters in the Green Room. I really enjoyed that last chapter that I reviewed, so I'll try to help you out with a couple more reviews, courtesy of the Red Team. :D Let's get started...

It was a four-day trek from Potter’s Creek to Atheron on a good day.


There's nothing particularly wrong with this, but it did stand out as a bit odd to me. It was a 4-day trip on a good day. It just reads funny, as wouldn't it need to be 4 good days? I dunno, probably just my mind being weird, but maybe something like "if you were lucky" might read better than the "on a good day" since you're referring to a multi-day trip.

Carris jabbed a finger up at Devlin as her rose


I think you're missing a word here? Temper rose? I'm not sure what you were going for, but it doesn't quite make sense like it is. (Also, punch him, girl! ;) )

~ ~ ~

Okay! I must say, I'm quite liking the relationship between Carris and Devlin. Clearly, it's strained, but it's fascinating to see how well they work together while still hating each other. I liked how, while this was a nice break from the action, you still had plenty of tension and character development going on.

It was a great addition to the story, and is pulling me further into your world and all the drama involved. Obviously, I don't fully understand what's going on, yet, but I feel like I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture the more I read, and that's pretty impressive that you're able to make it so easily understood, even though I jumped in thirteen chapters late.

I think that's all I have for now. Onward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)





Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice