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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 1

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Private Devlin rubbed his eyes in a desperate attempt to keep the sleep out of them. A wide yawn betrayed his actions. Just ten more minutes. He kicked his snowy, sealskin boots against the outpost tower's railing, trying to knock some life back into his frozen feet. People had talked about how cold it was in Sadoria, but they didn't do it justice, leastwise not Hoden's pass.

He observed the pass in front of him. It was only wide enough for twenty men at the most. That meant it would be easy for his regiment of just over two-hundred troops to easily hold off an opposing force, should they elect to come charging down the pass. Not that anyone could with the four feet of snow, making mobility almost non-existent before cutting a path.

Devlin turned to the metal firepit behind him, hands extending for any warmth. The last of the wood was smoldering with a warm orange glow, but the mild breeze -mild for Hoden's pass- threatened to freeze even that. The sun was trying its best to peak over the cliffs that rose to the east, just fifty feet east past the second watchtower, but grey clouds had denied it thus far.

Crunchy footsteps sounded below, followed by the soft thud of boots on snowy ladder rungs as Devlin's replacement mounted the tower. Devlin's shoulders sagged. Boy, do I need a nap. He clasped Frasier's arm and helped him from the ladder to tower.

"Any excitement?" Frasier asked, tucking a carrot-orange curl of hair back into his hood. He should have a helmet, just like every other foot soldier here at Hoden's Pass, but a small avalanche had knocked it away months ago.

"Oh yeah," Devlin said, snatching his quiver of arrows from its resting place in the corner of the tower, "you missed a wolf howl, and, oh, get this, a snow rabbit ran by!"

"And you didn't tell me?" Frasier said, letting a slight smile escape.

Devlin chuckled. "Forgot to in all the chaos. But don't worry, next time I'll let you know right away." He slung his bow on his back and attached his quiver to his belt, then mounted the ladder.

"Man, what are we doing here?" Frasier said, pulling his cape tight around his arms. "No one is going to come through this pass in the dead of winter. It's not even possible. Look at how much snow there is!"

Devlin nodded. "Must be at least four feet. You'd need a snow dragon to get through that."

"Let's hope that doesn't show up," Frasier said, shivering at the thought. "But with our luck, it would not surprise me," and he tapped his head where with any good luck he would still have a helmet.

Devlin squinted as he looked to the east where the sun poked its head over the mountainside. Finally. "Hey, at least it can't get worse, right?" he said, turning to Frasier.

Frasier opened his mouth to reply, but he never got the chance. The arrow struck him in the temple. He crashed into the fire pit, sending sparks flying up in disorder.

Devlin froze as his eyes widened with horror. Everything was silent for a moment, then Devlin regained control of himself and grabbed the horn from his belt, brought it to his lips to blow then WHOOSH! A surge of wind propelled him off off the ladder. For a moment he was in free fall, then his body slammed into the ground, rattling his frame. He gasped for air, but it didn't come. He rolled to his side, groaning. We're under attack! The horn!

His mind was screaming. Devin gulped in fresh air and realized how dry his mouth was. He pushed himself to his knees, eyes flitting about for a glimpse of the horn. Where he had landed had been plowed away for easy access to the tower's ladder, but on either side of him, the snow was piled high where it had been tossed aside from the path.

A metallic crash to his left caused Devlin to turn. Another watchman down. who can shoot in this wind? Devlin staggered to his feet, clawing through the snow, but the horn was nowhere in sight. Forget this.

"Ambush! We're under attack!"

Devlin took off at a sprint, swaying like a drunken fool. The officer's hut was just thirty feet away. Devlin shouted at the top of his lungs and threw a glance in the direction of the pass. There were several dark figures running it down it now, silent as a ghost, led by someone taller than the rest. His helmet shined in the dawn light, adorned with a pair of bulls horns. And the four feet of snow in the path had been shoved to the edges of the pass. What the...

Devlin stormed into the large officer's tent. "Ambush!"

There were four draped off sections where the three captains and general each had a private quarter. The drapes burst open now. Devlin was greeted by four sets of blurry, wide eyes. General Vokoun already had his sword brandished, and he rushed to Devlin. 

"Alert the camp! To arms!' he yelled back to his captains who were already snatching their helmets.

A gust of wind slammed into the tent, ripping the stakes from the ground and sending the walls of the tent caving in on the group. Everything went black as Devlin was pulled to the ground, wrapped in the tent's sackcloth walls. He fumbled for his dagger and rammed it upwards, hacking his way out of the mess. He emerged just in time to be slammed to the ground by a massive figure covered in hairy clothing and blue tattoos.

Devlin screamed as his dagger sailed form his hands. He landed. Hard. The assailant raised an ax equally massive to his frame and brought it down at Devlin, who rolled to the side. The assailant growled and swung again. The blade landed into the tangled fabric, close enough to Devlin for him to see his reflection in the half-moon shaped blade. His helmet was hanging at a precarious angle, kept on only by the chinstrap. He rolled again, straightening his helmet as he came to his feet, unsheathing his sword. The attacker pulled at his ax from the destroyed tent, but it had caught on the roping that held the stake in the ground.

Devlin didn't wait for him to free it, but charged, bringing the sword down with a two-hand chop. The axman blocked the blow with his gauntlet. The blade made a sickening screeching sound as it glanced off. Devlin brought the sword back up again, and the axman turned his arm to block once again, but Devlin had feinted, and with the flick of his wrist twirled the sword above the axman's arm, then brought it down. The swing cleaved into the arm, and the axman let out a shriek. Devlin yanked the sword from the arm, sending blood spurting out, then silenced the screams with a thrust through the chest.

The axman careened forward, and Devlin couldn't pull his sword free before the dead man fell on it. He slid to the hilt so that the sword stuck nearly a two feet out his back. Devlin swallowed, forcing the vomit to stay down. A yell from behind Devlin caused him to spin.

"Brother!" The man was the spitting image of the one whom Devlin has just dispatched, save for the fact that he sported a throwing dart, just over a yard long.

The man cocked his arm back and Devlin dove to the side, landing in the snow. The dart whizzed overhead. Before he could stand to his feet the man was on top of him. The first blow caught Devlin across the jaw, the second slammed into his shoulder. He yelled as he fought for space, holding his arms above his face to ward off blows as they rained down. Finally, he parried a left hook, then with the speed of a tiger struck out, catching the assailant in the jaw. He reeled back for a moment, giving Devlin time to shove him off and regain his footing. Need a weapon.

Devlin scoured the area for a moment, spotting the dart ten feet to his left, buried in the snow. He dashed for it, as the attacker dove in pursuit, catching his boot. He crashed to the ground again, face buried in the snow. He felt a strong grip on his neck, then his head was being slammed into the ground. He swung his arms as his unseen attacker, but to no avail. He felt the warm blood trickle from his nose and then pounding wracked his head. His head was yanked up once more and he squeezed his eyes shut, sure that this blow would break his skull. But the blow never came. The grip lessened and the attacker crumpled on top of him, burying his face in the snow.

Someone rolled the body off of him and a new set of hands pulled him to his knees. Devlin now realized that everything was going black, despite the sun climbing in the sky. He rolled his head to the side, to see General Vokoun's face looking down on him. His mouth was moving, but there was no sound. And someone was approaching the general from behind. Devlin tried to speak but coughed up blood and snow instead.

The general must have sensed the presence because he spun to his feet, but it was too late. Devlin watched the blade separate body from head. The lifeless body of the general crashed on top of Devlin, who felt arm blood soaking on his neck and down his back. A sob jammed itself in his throat, but no sound came out. The horned-helmet figure walked away, wiping the blood from his sword on his ebony-colored cape. Then, he twirled it above his head, and with a swift swing sent a blast of wind so fierce that it rattled the soldier's tents twenty feet away from where Devlin lay smothered in the snow.

Who is that?

Devlin slipped into unconsciousness.


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Stickied -- Thu Sep 07, 2023 9:13 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Image

Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

I think this is a brilliant novel you are writing over here. To be honest your descriptions are wowsome and your fighting scenes. It makes me feel like I'm standing over there watching the scene, so lively. The name you chose is also one of those typical action hero names, Devlin. Amazing dialogues too!

I’m definitely going to read further, you did a great job with the cliffhanger in the end too. Now I want to know what happened to Dev. Why is he so important to the bad guys? Because I don't suppose they killed him after he got unconscious.

Areas to Improve:✒️

Over here you said, Devin, it’s supposed to be Devlin if I'm correct.

His mind was screaming. Devin gulped in fresh air and realized how dry his mouth was. He pushed himself to his knees, eyes flitting about for a glimpse of the horn. Where he had landed had been plowed away for easy access to the tower's ladder, but on either side of him, the snow was piled high where it had been tossed aside from the path.


~~~

I have the feeling that if you make the thoughts of Devlin cursive it would be more clearer. I see you've done that quite some times already. This part supports my statement well:

Private Devlin rubbed his eyes in a desperate attempt to keep the sleep out of them. A wide yawn betrayed his actions. Just ten more minutes. He kicked his snowy, sealskin boots against the outpost tower's railing, trying to knock some life back into his frozen feet. People had talked about how cold it was in Sadoria, but they didn't do it justice, leastwise not Hoden's pass.


Over here, it would also be good if you did that.

Finally, he parried a left hook, then with the speed of a tiger struck out, catching the assailant in the jaw. He reeled back for a moment, giving Devlin time to shove him off and regain his footing. Need a weapon.[/i*]


~~~
Over here you have double times “off”:

A surge of wind propelled him off off the ladder. For a moment he was in free fall, then his body slammed into the ground, rattling his frame.


~~~
I think If you placed something like the Adrenaline in Devlin’s body that was getting really high that he didn't realise how severely injured he was it would help to make your scene more realistic and action-like where he's fighting with his injuries.

Nailed It!💐

These parts gave me chills. Frasier seemed like such a cool friend and he seemed innocent. His death was like very shocking (but in a good way) :

Frasier opened his mouth to reply, but he never got the chance. The arrow struck him in the temple. He crashed into the fire pit, sending sparks flying up in disorder.


Devlin froze as his eyes widened with horror. Everything was silent for a moment, then Devlin regained control of himself and grabbed the horn from his belt, brought it to his lips to blow then WHOOSH! A surge of wind propelled him off off the ladder. For a moment he was in free fall, then his body slammed into the ground, rattling his frame. He gasped for air, but it didn't come. He rolled to his side, groaning. We're under attack! The horn!


Spoiler! :
Maybe it gave me even more chills, because I am currently watching the Netflix series “Arrow”. So, yeah, you can make the link


Overall Feelings:

I think if I have realised something you seem to have a lot of experience with writing action/fighting scenes. Well, I must say it certainly paid off. Your writing style fits nicely with your concept as do your vivid descriptions. Cool title too, I think I'm probably going to have to read on to see what that title means.

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

The Yellow: Chapter 2 by @TheCornDogEnthusiast

In this work there is a guy who wants to join an underground gig in order to help his brother with…. (>>You have to find out for yourself) While reading Williwaw I think you would definitely enjoy this story.

Smoke fills the air, its almost as if it has replaced it. The alleyway is dim and dank.

“Whattaya doin’ down in this part a’ town, man?” The shifty man says.
“I’m looking for a gig.” I say.

He glances at me, looks me up and down, and scoffs.

“Based on how ya look, bucko. You ain’t getting no job with anyone here.”

“I can assure you, I can take on a job.”


[i] Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉




Messenger says...


thanks for the praise and nitpicks. I loved the first 2 seasons of Arrow and actually rewatched them this spring xD



AmayaStatham says...


Your welcome! Your story is amazing, it's like a Hollywood action movie.

Oehhh...Then I should definitly watch Arrow further. (I'm at S1, E2) The main reason I'm watching it is to balance out the events that are happening in the Flash (Also watching that one. S2, E13 I think.)



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Sat Sep 30, 2023 7:55 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there Mess! I've been meaning to pop by and review the later chapters of this as there are a few in the Green Room but in honour of Review Day I'm going to start at the beginning and simply see how far I can get!

I'll keep this one short, because you've got a lot of reviews on this one already, and I'm pretty sure my thoughts have already been captured in the reviews left by others. This probably feels so long ago to you now, but I think it holds up. Frasier's death was such a good shock tactic to throw into a first chapter. I was starting to warm to the character and then he's gone with 0 warning.

The only line I wasn't sure about was this:

"Let's hope that doesn't show up," Frasier said, shivering at the thought. "But with our luck, it would not surprise me," and he tapped his head where with any good luck he would still have a helmet.

The duplication of 'with luck' confused me. Is the point that he doesn't have a helmet and should, or that he does and that's lucky? Or none of the above?

Looking forward to cracking on with this story, so I'll see you for chapter two!

Icy




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Mon Sep 18, 2023 10:23 pm
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Rose wrote a review...



Greetings Storyteller!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye a captivating story titled “Williwaw” that deserves a good review. So without further ado, let’s begin.

Image

I. Unraveling The Opener
The story has quite an engaging opening, with Devlin doing everything to stay awake for just ten more minutes. Your story begins with a sense of intrigue and mystery, I'm not sure if that's because "Private Devlin" makes me think about "private detective", which is not relevant at all, but it just made me even more curious about the content of the story. And, "Devlin" is not an ordinary name that you come often come across.

II. Writing Style & Variety
You provide us with vivid descriptions of the harsh environment in Hoden's pass, it is almost like painting a clear picture of the snow-covered landscape. This really helps the reader to literally experience the everything in the small subtle details.

The dialogue between Devlin and his friend, Frasier, create a sense of camaraderie and hints at their close friendship. Your actions scenes are remarkable, the intense action scenes are well-described, creating a feeling of excitement and definitely tension.

III. The Door To Improvement
Now, I could of course advise you to adjust the pacing, because it starts slow with Devlin alone with his "frozen" thoughts and then suddenly accelerates when they get attacked.
Or, while the story hints at an intriguing fantasy world with elements like snow dragons and horned-helmet figures, more world-building and context could enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and stakes involved.
I could also advise you to consider creating an opening with more drama, for instance using terms such as; "bone-chilling cold" or " a yawn as deep as a bottomless pit", but you must have read those suggestions somewhere in those 10 comments before.
Therefore I'll share my point of view of your story's "Spotlight!" aspects.

Very first of all, the transition from a lonely frozen moment to action adds a thrilling layer to your story and an element of surprise, because I did not see that coming.
Furthermore, the camaraderie between Devlin and Frasier humanizes the characters and helps to develop the characters and gives the readers the opportunities to "get to know" the characters.
Additionally, your action scenes are well-constructed, delivering tension and excitement.
Lastly, the hints at a larger fantasy world with snow dragons and the mysterious horned-helmet figures leaves me with many far-fetched theories and unanswered questions. Well done!

IV. All In All
I found your story incredibly captivating and a truly delightful read.
This story has a lot to offer; unique names that hint to intriguing irrelevant terms such as "Private Detective", vivid pictures of exhaustion and the challenging surroundings.
But also actions scenes packed with tension, unanswered questions and much, much more. It's a story that combines great descriptions, a well-paced plot, and intriguing characters to make it a captivating read. Chapeau!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

Yours in Puzzling Shadows,
Rose




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Mon Sep 04, 2023 9:14 pm
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Kaia wrote a review...



Hmmm. I have come to check this out. *taps chin mischievously* I really love your descriptions. Someone mentioned Mulan. I totally agree with that!! But I love the snow and cold elements you sneakers into this. Your descriptions of the gore are also super well done, though I do say that maybe it's a tiny bit strange that the character was doing as well as he was with the severity of the injuries he received.

The beginning was well done. You didnt introduce a lot of characters which makes it easy to follow every character. Nicely done. Additionally, you started out at a slow pace which really helps to get things started. The descriptions of the cold and the warm fireplace were really vivid and added nice mental images in my imagination. Also, the conversation about the wolf and rabbit really adds to the fact that nothing has happened for a while.

I did feel like the transition into all the action was rather abrupt because you went from slow pace to super fast pace which was kind of a bumpy ride. Maybe try to make the transition a little more gradual or put the action part in another chapter?

Also, I love your details about the arrows and the good archer who can shoot through the wind. I love realistic details like that.

Lastly, I have to say a lot of your phrases are unique and I really love that. Nicely done!!

Alert the camp! To arms!' he yelled back to his captains who were already snatching their helmets.

I did notice that the second quotation mark is single instead of double. ;)

And that's it for this one!
-Kaia




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Tue May 25, 2021 6:05 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello, Messenger!

You probably don't remember, but around last June I reviewed one of your chapters for The Great Tortoise Race of 2020. I think. Or it was for Review Day. Anyway, back then I really liked your story because it was smooth, easy reading and very interesting. It was one of the best stories I'd read in a while, and I said I would read the rest of it - in the proper order - at some point.
Well, it's been a long, long time, but I'm here now, at the very beginning!

So, the review. You've got plenty of feedback regarding structure, specific passages, and sentence formation, so I'll just comment on the story itself.

This is pretty good as a first chapter. It gives just the right amount of exposition to get the reader curious, and acts as a decent hook. That said, it could be a bit better. Note that I am reviewing this purely as a first chapter. While it does pique my interest, I would have liked to know just a little bit more about this world I'm going to commit myself to. Small pieces of information could help; why exactly is Hodden's Pass so important? How old is Private Devlin? What are they protecting the pass from?

Maybe these questions will be answered later. That alone could act as a reason for your audience to continue reading, but I think you can afford to insert just a little bit more information.

The action sequence itself was rather well done, although if I don't know much about Devlin I can't judge his fighting skill. He's a Private, so I assume he's a low-level soldier, but that's all I really know. Maybe I'm nitpicking.

I'll end by commenting on the title of your story. I didn't know what the word meant, but I looked it up, and it does a really good job of fitting in with what's happening in the story, but... it sounds just a little silly/goofy. It doesn't sound like the title of a high fantasy book. But it does fit, so I have to give you that.

Anyway, I'm sufficiently intrigued enough to continue reading. Keep up the good work!

- Lee




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Sun Dec 06, 2020 4:16 pm
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JeanBean_BC says...



This is a very well written first chapter!




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Tue Feb 11, 2020 5:24 am
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Lib says...



Ouch. Ouchie. Ow. Eep.

Ahem, excuse me. Since you've already got a solid amount of reviews on this, imma just skip over critiquing and get to commenting.

*gulp* Let's just say you're very good at describing. The blade going through the guy... *shudder* and then head seperating from body... *shudder x2*

Also, Dev, please don't be dead, I have a feeling you're our MC and MCs aren't meant to ditch their fans on the first chapter. >.>

So far, moral of the story: never say "it can't get worse" or it will very much get worse.




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 3:14 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Mess,

I can't remember if I said for sure or not? but I really liked reading your novel on Review Day this weekend. I was really impressed with your novel, even at the later stages where I jumped in, and I'm going to try to read/review my way through the earlier chapters so I get all caught up on your lovely novel. You're already familiar with my reviewing style so let's jump straight on in...

He kicked his snowy, sealskin boots against the outpost tower's railing, trying to knock some life back into his frozen feet.


Owww, you do such a good job throughout this novel describing the cold. My own toes hurt now at that action haha.

"Hey, at least it can't get worse, right?" he said, turning to Frasier.

Frasier opened his mouth to reply, but he never got the chance. The arrow struck him in the temple.


Look at what you've done, Devlin. Never say it can't get worse. NEVER. You just jinxed poor Frasier with your comment. Tsk, tsk.

There were several dark figures running it down it now, silent as a ghost, led by someone taller than the rest.


Just some really minor, anal nitpicks here, but you have an extra 'it' here that I don't think you actually want to have here. And technically shouldn't it be "silent as ghosts" not "silent as a ghost" since there's multiple people running?

~ ~ ~

Whoa! This is such an awesome first chapter! I am an absolute sucker for action scenes, especially in the first chapter, and you definitely delivered. You crafted the suspense so beautifully and left us on an intense cliffhanger that definitely makes us want to read on.

I like that you introduce the characters fairly gradually. Yes, most of the people we met died shortly thereafter lol, but you didn't like thrust us into the middle of the camp with 15 different soldiers talking and such so that I'd feel like I needed to keep up with all this.

I think overall this was an excellent first chapter. There's definitely a strong hook here, and I want to go read the next chapter. So I think that's what I'm going to go do!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Mon Jul 30, 2018 5:29 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a review day review.

I think this is a great first chapter. You have some good characterization in here even though we only really get dialogue to judge the characters off of. They have distinct voices and I got a little bit of personality from each of them. Very nice.

Devlin's shoulders sagged. Boy, do I need a nap.

This might be just a preference on my part. Thoughts that are mixed in with narration don't flow well. I'm jerked out of the narration just to get jerked back. Consider making it a new paragraph and labeling it as a thought.

I don't understand why you're focusing so much on this helmet. It was only mentioned twice, but it seems very frivolous. I could understand if, for example, people with helmets were ranked higher than people without helmets. That's not the case here though. Could it be foreshadowing the ambush coming near the end of the chapter? Even then it isn't the best way to use foreshadowing. Seeing as the ambush comes quickly afterward it isn't useful. I'd suggest taking it out or just mention it once. More than that is repetitive.

"But with our luck, it would not surprise me," and he tapped his head where with any good luck he would still have a helmet.

Just a nitpick here. This dialogue should end with a period. It's a complete thought and the tag following it does not depend on what is being said. It is being done because of what is being said.

Devlin squinted as he looked to the east where the sun poked its head over the mountainside.

This seems like quite the mouthful to me. Maybe break is into two sentences to have it sound more natural.

A metallic crash to his left caused Devlin to turn.

Another nitpick. I'm on a roll today. I don't know exactly what a metallic crash sounds like. It could be crashing into anything, even the snow which would make it have no sound at all. I suggest changing it to 'metal crashed against metal' or something like that.

"Ambush! We're under attack!"

Dialogue tags are awesome. You should use one here :3

I don't know why, but the fight scene reminded me of the one in Mulan where the Hun army is attacking them in the snow. Wanted to share that xD

I enjoy your fight scene. It goes on for quite a while, but you keep it going. There isn't a lull in the action and you follow Devlin well. I like the way you describe the battle. You don't just stick to telling us the actions, you describe it to us. The sounds, the feelings, the smells. I think there were smells in there yes? You created a battle rather than told us of a battle.

One thing I wish there was a bit more of is the rest of the army. I felt like I was too invested in Devlin's well being. Obviously that's going to happen because he's the character focused on here, but there are others out there as well. How was the rest of the army fairing? Were there others already fighting when Devlin finally got untangled from the tent? The generals are mentioned, but those are the only ones we see. Just something to think about.

There are quite a few minor errors I noticed while reading. I'm not going to point them all out because you would hate me. Just remember to read closely when editing. I know how stressful LMS gets at times so I don't judge those mistakes.

Can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Messenger says...


hey dood :D :D thanks for stopping by. first off
I don't know why, but the fight scene reminded me of the one in Mulan where the Hun army is attacking them in the snow. Wanted to share that xD
OH MY DAYS *intyernally screams with joy* Mulan was literal inspiration! Go look on my wall, I said something the night I watched Mulan and was like yup, I want something like that in this story.

I'll keep the rest in mind for sure. This is "probably" the chapter I'm least pleased with and it will see major revisions xD Glad you liked the fight scene.



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Tue Jul 10, 2018 3:24 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hiiii finally getting round to this. There was a lot of planning for a dungeons and dragons type thing towards the end of last week so didn't get much time for reviewing. Anyway, I'm here now ^.^

Nit-picks:

Private Devlin rubbed his eyes in a desperate attempt to keep away the sleep out of them.

Probably either take out "away" or change "out of" to "from".

Not that anyone could with the four feet of snow, making mobility almost non-existencet before cutting a path.


A surge of wind propelled him off off the ladder.


Another watchman down. who can shoot in this wind?

This is a new sentence since there's a full stop so this ought to have a capital letter.

There were several dark figures running it down it now


There were four draped off sections

I get what you mean here, but I don't think "draped off" is its own phrase.

He reeled back for a moment, giving Devlin time to shove him off and regain his footing. Need a weapon.

I really like where you're going with this short sentence, but I don't think it quite works. It feels like it's his inner thoughts, which would be good, but should just probably be in italics. Alternatively, "He needed a weapon." would still be short and snappy and therefore have that impact. Either way would work as well as the other, I feel.

Overall:

For a fight scene, this was really interesting! I say that because my personal taste does not gel all that well with fight scenes, it's just never really been my aesthetic. But you do a really good job of varying the fighting techniques of the opponents and keeping the sentence structure interesting so that it doesn't become a list of action moves. Varied fighting style is actually the reason I liked Infinity War more than most superhero films so for what it's worth I'm comparing you positively to that in my head :P

I also enjoy the setting at the beginning and getting the feel of soldiers who don't ever expect anything interesting to happen. That's maybe slightly too obvious foreshadowing that something is going to happen tonight, so you might want to throw me off a bit. Maybe we are told about how quiet the base is because the soldiers are starting to resent the fact that they're stuck there or something. I'll expect this to be a plot about discontentment and possible action on the part of the soldiers, then BAM! An ambush. Would just help with suspense purposes.

Oh, also, now that I think about it, is this actually an ambush? They're being attacked in their own base, right? Isn't an ambush when you go somewhere and there are enemies lying in wait?

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Messenger says...


Hehe hey Bisc. Lots of nitpicks right? I'm always in a hurry to post without doing some basic fixes xD

That one sentence with the weapon waaas italic but good old yws publishing center wrecked all my thoughts. I thought i had caught them all but apparently not.

does foreshadowing thought is a good idea I'll keep around. It might work well. I was honestly just focused on making the dialogue feel natural. And technically it's a raid on the camp from outside it, not an ambush :p but ambush comes across slightly more natural to me than "we're being raided " hehe



ExOmelas says...


fair enough xD



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Sat Jul 07, 2018 12:34 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



~slides in bc oops I haven't published yet this week and I should probably review again first~

Okay, so I think you had a pretty good start to this. Like, you started more or less in medias res, with the sudden attack, but you had the good sense to start us off with Devlin first, giving us a chance to attach ourselves to a character before throwing us into the confusion of an attack. So that was definitely a good choice.

I found myself losing interest partway through the attack, which to be fair is probably partly personal preference on my part. I get bored with battle sequences that don't *closely* follow a single character's perspective - which you sort of do, but I guess what I mean is I'm more interested in fights or battles where I really get a sense of what the viewpoint character is feeling/perceiving. But Devlin's thoughts are pretty well put together here, or maybe it's the way the scene is written that makes it feel that way, if that makes sense.

I think another issue was simply that there were so many different people involved in the battle, almost none of whom had names, so we got a lot of "the man," "the figure," "the assailant" etc I'm in no way projecting concerns about my climax on your story nope definitely not which made it hard to keep track of who was where doing what.

Oh! And then the other other problem (sorry, I feel like I'm just like "LOOK AT ALL THESE PROBLEMS") was that I didn't have a reason to really care about the outcome of the battle. You started us off with a character, which was good, gave him a buddy, gave them some banter, so that's all good, but aside from Devlin I have zero reason to care about this attack. I don't know what Devlin & Co. are guarding, what their regiment hopes to achieve, who the attackers are or what they want. In short, I don't know what's at stake.

again please ignore that I'm projecting issues with my own story onto you bc stakes??? what are those???




Messenger says...


Haha thanks blue. I get a lot of what you're saying. I was trying to not be very telly. I have the idea of what theyre guarding but i wasn't sure how to sneak it in



BluesClues says...


No problem! The number of things I know for the Chosen Grandma that I absolutely failed to work in is, uh, staggering. But that's what revision is for!



Messenger says...


Hey i know this is late but hey when do mothers get a day off? Was the dialogue ok? It's been a while since i wrote any



BluesClues says...


I think the dialogue is fine, but if you're ever unsure just try reading it aloud to see if it feels natural!



Messenger says...


Ok. I thought it was fine but it never hurts to double check



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Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:27 pm
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Spilledink wrote a review...



OK, FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS FRICKIN AMAZING! BRAVO!

Now on with the review:

This is an extremely and brilliantly written piece of work. Your description, as well as dialogue, has me speechless. It's perfect. This is the kind of work that hits best sellers partly because of the intensity and the thrill of reading it. I loved it and this is what I, and probably a whole ton of other people want to pay to read. It's enjoyable and thrilling and the idea of this book is really great!

A few parts I really enjoyed:

Private Devlin rubbed his eyes in a desperate attempt to keep away the sleep out of them. A wide yawn betrayed his actions. Just ten more minutes. He kicked his snowy, sealskin boots against the outpost tower's railing, trying to knkock some life back into his frozen feet. People had talked about how cold it was in Sadaria, but they didn't do it justice, leastwise not Hoden's pass.

The general must have sensed the presence, because he spun to his feet, but it was too late. Devlin watched the blade seperate body from head. The lifeless body of the general crashed on top of Devlin, who felt arm blood soaking on his neck and down his back. A sob jammed itself in his throat, but no sound came out. The horned-helemet figure walked away, wiping the blood from his sword on his ebony-colored cape.


Now for just some mistakes to fix. Really you just have spelling errors that are common and easy to miss, so just maybe you could try a grammar correcting app or something if you don't have the time to read through and find the mistakes.

I love this piece of work and I really hope you continue this because I'm legit on the edge of my seat to read more!




Messenger says...


Awww thanks :D you're too kind




Everything’s edible if you’re immortal.
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