so now we live in glitz-&-glamour town,
so names that I forget adorn the streets,
so walks become the art of counting beats,
so I receive you lost & dressed right down,
so you don't look at me but gaze around:
so many million glistening citrine treats
so glazed with sugar -- candied hollow sweets
so trimmed, so pasteurised, so free & bound--
but don't you know? the story won't end here
because dessert tastes like regret come dusk,
because the cherries die by end of year;
because the muses deign to streets and busk,
because the candy tapers out at last,
because the cul-de-sac is drawing near,
because beyond, the storms are fizzy dust.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
I've never been one for sonnet writing, but I really found this to be super simple, sweet and clean. You used the right formula, but what I want to focus on is the story you're telling. From what I could gather, this is about having wealth, but how it never lasts. For some reason, I made the connection with The Great Gatsby - I don't know if this was inspired by that, though, but either way, I loved it, and am a fan of your work now!
-izzywidgeon
Alright, so normally I am not a huge fan of sonnets and other forms of structured poetry. But this is extremely well-executed, and as you said, modern. I have always had difficulty punctuating my poems, but you did an impeccable job. Your punctuation doesn't distract from your content or hinder the wonderful flow of the poem.
The line "so walks become the art of counting beats" really sticks with me. It's abstract and thought-provoking, but it also adds to the physical and emotional atmosphere and landscape of the poem!
Great job:)
Alright, so normally I am not a huge fan of sonnets and other forms of structured poetry. But this is extremely well-executed, and as you said, modern. I have always had difficulty punctuating my poems, but you did an impeccable job. Your punctuation doesn't distract from your content or hinder the wonderful flow of the poem.
The line "so walks become the art of counting beats" really sticks with me. It's abstract and thought-provoking, but it also adds to the physical and emotional atmosphere and landscape of the poem!
Great job:)
Hey Liminality!
Elinor here to give you a quick review. I'm a huge fan of sonnets, so I was really excited to see yours posted in the green room. First of all, the picture that you create is really masterful, and I think the ways in which you choose to play around with the rhyme scheme are really interesting.
The main thing that I would be curious about is your intention in writing this piece. I noticed that you had this listed under satire, and I'm not sure that it reads to me that way, but maybe there's something I'm missing. I read this a couple of times and I think that I was mostly struck by this feeling of lost innocence. Reading this reminded me of when I lived in Hollywood and there was always a disconnect between a romanticized image of the city and what the reality was like for so many of us.
Once again, I like your decision to play around with the rhyme scheme, and to make fresh a format that has been around for hundreds of years. Great work with this poem overall, I don't have mmuch else to say. Anyway, I hope this helps! Feel free to reach out if you have any questions, and keep writing!
Best,
Elinor
Hi Elinor! Thanks for the review! It's interesting to see how you interpret this piece as well~ My original subject or impetus for writing this I guess was to satirise the (as you said) romanticised impressions of the US in general that people in my country have and how that associates with internet culture and social media generally - which is why I went with the candy theme, like instant gratification. But now that I look at it, it could definitely read a lot more somberly than I initially thought. Thanks again for the review <3