In evenings I find
numbered lines doing leap-frog;
logic is a dream
playing out on the page, like
the actor that dies onstage.
-
Nothing seems real, so
I must derive some love-thoughts
to distract myself
from clouds that drift to nowhere
without a resolution.
-
I'm sorry about
incomplete derivations
that must grind your gears,
a fly buzzes near your ear
and leaves without a goodbye.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review, so let's get down to business.
I actually really like this poem. It has a lot of great well-thought out lines that go with the theme. It's very relatable in the sense of that feeling of distraction. The metaphors and imagery are simply and precise which work very well for this poem. I especially love the metaphor using the fly or the gears. Wonderful!
My favorite line aka stanza is
as well as
finally
Very insightful! All of the lines have me thinking of the surreal beauty that is life, the uncertainty, the perplexing, everything! I do love a poem that makes you think. I am very familiar with Japanese poetry, specifically tanka and haibuns, which I write occasionally. It's nice to see someone doing a traditional structured poem. I can tell that you must have done a lot of editing, and you seem to have a knack to organizing your thoughts into one cohesive piece.
My only critique is the second stanza, like @Buranko says, it's a tad less whimsical, not as much imagery and symbolism as the past stanza. It seems a bit out of place. Just a thought, maybe it might just be a preference of mine. Maybe the second stanza could even be eliminated.
This poem overall, leaves a mark on me. It's rich with figurative language and wonderful uses of metaphors. It gives a lot of thought to the reader about the themes you bring up. Every image works together perfectly into one harmonized poem.
Nice job! I love Japanese Poetry. Hope to read more from you.
Thank you for the review!
I really love this poem because I can really relate to that feeling when your mind drifts from what you're doing. I loved the line 'incomplete derivations' since it implies that feeling of unanswered questions- a gap in your heart or mind. And then the way you diverted the attention to a fly really reflects the chain and flow of thoughts and how smoothly your mind runs. Additionally, the fact that the fly did not say goodbye, leaves me thinking about the looseness of life, and how there is so much uncertainty and unsaid goodbyes. I thought that these lines represented your feelings when you did work, or in general. It's very insightful. It makes the world seem so surreal and is such a creative outlook on everyday life.
I also loved the line 'playing out on the page, like the actor that dies onstage'. I found it very memorable and can easily imagine how the numbers and lines danced their danced and the way different components join together to create a play.
I also love your rhyming.
This was very enjoyable poetry
Thank you for the review!
Heeeey Liminality. Buranko right here to review a new poem. I am not really familiar with Tanka, but I don't think it will affect my review. Here we go
I have read this poem like 3 or 4 times before starting to write about it. It acts like a difficult poem, the theme of symbols is subjective, but once you pass the initial phase, first time reading, it becomes pretty easy and meaningful. Your first stanza created the image of a music sheet in my brain. You know "numbered lines doing leap-frog" is pretty similar to how musical notes are situated on the music sheet. I love the fact that what continued was related to my first image. The idea of playing on a page is a clear indicator that strenghtens the symbol in the stanza, which I identified as being art. Truly, logic is but a dream in something as subjective as art.
I didn't really like the second stanza. It felt really blunt and succinct compared to how rich in images the first one was. I believe you could use something else instead of love thoughts. This way you wouldn't really need to expand on the subject of love and thinking. Without expanding on that idea the stanza feels really rushed and incomplete. I see you included the idea of clouds drifting without a purpose, to add to the lazy and illogical way of art.
And the third stanza wraps everything up in a lovely way by using an apology. This stanza also could have felt blunt and off but by adding that sensorial image (buzzing fly) you created a gorgeous little metaphor for the randomness found in your poem.
Great job, I always enjoy reading your poems. See ya next time xD
Thanks for the review!