Young Writers Society

Hi Lim,

Mailice here with a short review!

As you already know, I don't know anything about poetry, so I'll just start giving an interpretation. Since you made me curious with the post and the "slightly controversial", I thought I'd give it a try. First of all, you have a very, very beautiful voice to read. I liked how you articulated some words more, how you pronounced something differently towards the end, for example, and the tone changed even when you asked questions. Especially when you got to the point in the brackets, I liked that wavy tone and how you added the "somehow" at the end with a pause.

At first hearing / reading through, I had the impression that you were criticising. It didn't necessarily seem like the current situation of the pandemic, but more like a political situation, but maybe also the imposition of opinions from personalities, be it from influencers to school to religious representatives.

I liked how in many parts the poem felt like you were making an argument where you were always giving examples of how it could be if we (people) behaved differently. The tone you wrote it with ends up being a clear "Be free and decide for yourself what you do, what you are and how you want to do it.” Let it name it “call of freedom.”

They try to scalpel parts of our skin

so they might fit themselves within,

but who gave us the duty of

representing you?

Your opening is already very vague and yet tearing open because you begin with "they". It's reminiscent of a provocative newspaper title, where the article then seems much tamer just to get the readers. (I mean that in a positive sense here). Your imagery is extremely powerful and aggressive in one sense, but you get to the point really well. You ask some opening questions here, where I think it leaves a strong impression when the reader reads on.

Let us stop 'representing' things.
Let us take sapphire dust to the sky,

For a poem, it is a very poetic description. I love how you create a bend from this crude logic of society to the metaphorical shift and the change that I call "stubbornness". I just like how you start here with the frequent repetition of "let us". I assume that it is not a communist manifesto that you are writing, so I like this "us" very much. Already with the beginning "they" and now the "us" you create a "we-feeling", a feeling of oppression of the little people and how you can ignite a kind of rebellion with it, but it reminds me more of a peaceful "hippie revolution" than now the typical ones where blood flows. You are trying to take an artistic path.

(We could create a whole world and
they could call it a wrongdoing and
what they say would matter, somehow.)

I like this point here. Precisely because it's in brackets, I think it's also very expressive, almost as if it's ulterior motives that are opening up here, doubts about the action and above all not self-confidence. This sentence is very true to reality, as if you are giving a voice to those who suffer the most and are trying to change something. These voices may manage to change something, but they are seen as wrong by all the greats because it is not the right way. Now this is my opinion, which is far-fetched, but I felt a tinge of capitalism here, how the rich magnates oppose, for example, something where other people who have become equally rich, only with "better" views. as written, I liked the pause of "somehow" in the ending here, as if it was a speech to get people excited, but still a hint of realism that even with change, change can't come. After all, the ones who fear change are the ones who did the most wrongdoing.

Let us stop mechanically writing
words that other people tell us
we should write. Let us say things like
'maybe', and 'something', and 'who knows?'
again.

Here we continue with the "Let us". I find that from this point on, there is a kind of colourful fanfare that encourages us to think and not just listen to what they have to say about us. This simple phrase of "Let us say" expresses this subconscious fear of criticising and disagreeing. I really liked here that you included these "simple" words that can certainly guide some conversations differently. Yet it is only these small words.

Let us swim in the ocean,
without a swimming costume. Let us dream
in our naked selves. Our naked, hateful, selfish,
loving, kind, wonderous, ponderous, sometimes
forgetful selves,
waxy, slippery skin that can't
store all the words others try
to stick on us, skin that is real
and does not need
representation.

Your metaphor here speaks of honesty and trying to "get back". Maybe back to a time when everything was simpler? Where media did not determine everything? Where corrupt politicians didn't exist because everyone was under one queen/king? A simple world without globalisation and brands? A simple world where you woke up in the morning and could do what you wanted without rules? Your second sentence speaks of emotions, human development and this urge that even if everything is not perfect, as long as it is built on honesty, it seems much easier. What I like very much is how you conclude by saying that every person has their own will, no matter what, who or how they are. As long as he considers himself happy and has an opinion that he is allowed to express, there is a hope for change.

Phew, I'm down here now and after writing I listened to the text again to see if I had more or less the same effect from the voice as from the words I read. I think you are subconsciously expressing yourself (even if it's not directly your opinion) about an injustice, and I think you can read that a little bit from the text. It almost seems like you're tired of all the lying and imposing of opinions.

In terms of structure, I really liked how the poem divided well and you didn't have to work too much with extravagant words to get down. Whether that was intentional I don't know, but anyway, I think it's good. I guess the only, minimal point I have where I was a bit puzzled is that I found the term "swimming costume" a bit odd. I've never used the word like that before, so I was a bit confused at the beginning. Shouldn't it be "swim suit", I thought? Apart from that, I don't have any criticism, I don't think there is any. You just express yourself well.

What can I add now? I do not know. I liked the poem. Sometimes I have the urge to read poetry more and think about it, and you are a very good writer, where I always enjoy reading the poems (and other texts).

Have fun writing!

Mailice