z

Young Writers Society



Elias

by Liminality


In a darkened corner of the second

floor corridor, Elias sequesters

himself. Foldable plastic chair, notebook

a half-torn lined paper flutters away.

His elbow on the flat white bannister,

the top of it that overlooks the rows

of grey-green captive brackens, the people

say “Elias, what are you doing here?”

.

Modern world -- fountain pens are not for him.

Elias's pencil sounds like chalk scratch

portraying tumbleweed as below he spies

three young people migrating cross the lawn

the grass rustles; they are wearing hoodies,

bright pastels burn the foliage. Their grins.

Enamel pins are not for him. For them,

what else is he afraid to surrender?

.

Last night he dreamt the streetlight beside home

reached down, sallow fingers put dust in his

hair. Mother at the door, "It makes you look old!"

The confetti on the floor, behind her.

And he dreamt that he laughed like a bone sack,

with rattling teeth, breaking out in brine-thoughts.

Backs of eyelids red he peeled them open.

That strange fragility -- where was it now?

.

If he drew closer like he did just now,

when the pale fingernail clippings of trees

brushed by his shoulders and knees in descent,

the three would torment, a cloying embrace,

his tongue would be taffy, his eyes, instead

of seeing would kiss, neither analyse

cartilage would curdle into tofu -

"But man, why didn't you join us sooner?"

.

So he stays out of sight, in the dark light

to watch shadows dart throughout the night, blue

turns the old moss which seeps out of the well

and crushes itself under human feet.

Elias wonders, as he takes

the long road home, how can all this still be,

still humming with dead songs, breathing thin mists,

when he is demystified compartments?

.

He walks out to the pier and stops before

the ocean can frighten him, that is why.

.

Author's questions (feel free to answer them or not c:)

1. When (as in, what time period in human history) do you think this poem takes place? (You can name more than one, or even if it's just a brief association.)

2. What kind of person is Elias?


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
455 Reviews


Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

Donate
Wed Aug 17, 2022 5:55 pm
View Likes
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi there, Lim! I thought I'd stop by with a review for you on this intriguing poem. c:

(I started out by covering both of your author's questions, and then I realized that I had actually written quite a lot, so that ended up being the majority of the review; I hope that's alright! If there's anything else you want me to cover outside of those two questions, let me know!)

1. When (as in, what time period in human history) do you think this poem takes place? (You can name more than one, or even if it's just a brief association.)

This is an interesting question! I'm getting kind of conflicting time period vibes, actually - a lot of the images and references definitely feel modern, like "foldable plastic chairs" and "bright pastel hoodies", which to me would indicate this likely takes place post-2000 - but then some of the language comes across as a bit more old fashioned to me. That could just be because the tone feels kind of formal and some of the vocabulary is more "complex" than you typically find in modern dialogue/writing (i.e. sequesters, sallow, a cloying embrace, brine), and that has the effect for me of having a more historical fiction vibe ~ I'm thinking mid 1900s probably.

So to answer your question, logically I'd say the poem is circa 2010, based on the details mentioned, the setting, that sort of thing. But vibe-wise, it feels more like 1930s maybe?

2. What kind of person is Elias?

The first words that pop into my head after reading through the poem are antisocial, withdrawn, recluse, eccentric, outcast, curious, pensive, anxious. Which happen to mostly be words with neutral/negative connotations; I think that's because the poem itself mostly spans those kinds of emotions and images and doesn't have very many totally positive ones, so there's not much opportunity for those kind of traits to be shown as well.

Like in the first stanza, we immediately find Elias in a "darkened hallway", and words like "captive" also show up. And then in the third stanza the poem talks about a pretty dark dream he had relating to gruesome body imagery - which is actually my favourite part of the poem! Those images are so intense and uncomfortable in a good way, especially "Backs of eyelids red he peeled them open".

And then towards the end of the poem we have torment, dark, shadows, and a frightening ocean as well. So overall I'd say the mood is leaning towards a bit more dark/uneasy, especially farther into the poem.

That's getting a bit off-track from the actual question itself though, so I'm going to loop back! I say he's antisocial/withdrawn/reclusive for a couple reasons. Most obviously, the poem starts with him by himself in a dark hallway. He prefers drawing and writing in his notebook to joining people outside. I also get the vibe he's kind of a people-watcher, with the way he looks out the window and observes how people are moving - "migrating cross the lawn" - how they look, dress, and interact, that sort of thing.

In the fourth stanza he seems to be deliberating what would happen if he moved to join the other people - and he ultimately decides against it because, he reasons, they'll ask him why he finally chose to join them and they'll think he's weird. There's also some interesting images of his body failing him (for example tongue turning to taffy, which I interpret as stumbling on his words), so he seems a bit insecure or anxious about trying to talk to the other people.

I would also say pensive/curious, because we see him asking questions about himself and the world throughout the poem - what's he willing to surrender? "how can all this be?" where is "that strange fragility"? (OOH sidenote, I just noticed all but the last stanza end with questions! That's a super neat and subtle pattern of repetition. The fact that it alternates between his internal questions and other peoples' dialogue-questions is an interesting choice I think!) And I also get the vibe just based on the way his thoughts slowly wander over the course of the poem and go on interesting side-tangents of imagery that he would be a person who spends a lot of time in his head, turning things over and musing about life.

Other thoughts

I would say my main critique while reading this poem is that I have trouble figuring out exactly where it's taking place? Which usually wouldn't be too big a deal, but given that the poem is very character-centric and seems to functioning a bit like a story as well as a poem, it feels like a clear setting is missing if that makes sense.

Like my thought process while readings was: he's in a hallway - oh he's at a banister! so...looking over some stairs? in the hallway? - hmm and the stairs overlook a window i guess - okay dream sequence - are we looking out the window again? at trees? or something else entirely? - huh it's nighttime, but i was imagining this whole thing in the daylight whoops. unless a whole day passed over the course of the poem. - oh he left the building! he's on a road! - and...a pier! there's an ocean! a pier connected to the road?

and it just felt very jumpy from scene to scene, like the poem couldn't settle on where exactly Elias was.

But all that said, in terms of the other story-like elements of the poem I thought they were very well executed! Elias had a very distinctive, well-developed character, and while he isn't necessarily the most charismatic one out there he definitely seems real and human. You even kind of have the main elements of a story - intro, development, conflict (internal, mostly, I think), and then a bit of a cliffhanger with the ocean at the end.

The dialogue from other characters is woven into the poem quite smoothly, so it doesn't seem out of place at all! And I like the fact that despite being in third person, we still get to see some of Elias's inner thoughts and feelings.

I hope this review proves useful for you! Let me know if you'd like me to elaborate on anything at all! ^-^

Best,
Seirre




Liminality says...


Thanks so much for the review, Seirre! I really like your take on the two questions!

a lot of the images and references definitely feel modern, like "foldable plastic chairs" and "bright pastel hoodies", which to me would indicate this likely takes place post-2000 - but then some of the language comes across as a bit more old fashioned to me.


I'm glad you got that vibe! I was partly trying to portray Elias as one of those people who feels like he was 'born in the wrong era', if that makes sense, hence the conflict between the imagery and some of the word choices. I can totally see why the setting would feel a bit jumpy! This was originally intended to be a much longer poem. If I had adapted it such that there was a smooth transition from scene to scene, including Elias walking from one place to the next, I think that could have flowed better.

I really like reading your breakdown of what kind of person Elias is, because that is spot-on with what I was going for :'D

Thanks again for the super helpful review!



User avatar
969 Reviews


Points: 126
Reviews: 969

Donate
Wed Aug 03, 2022 10:26 pm
View Likes
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



To answer your question,I think this takes place in the 80s because you mention bright hoodies,streetlights,and confetti.As for the type of person Elias is,I get the feeling that he is nihilistic with the way he thinks.I don’t even think he’s human.He might be the antichrist.Or maybe I’ve been watching “Good Omens” too much.Anyway,I hope that you will have a very nice and lovely day and night.




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review! I didn't associate hoodies with the 80s much myself, so that's interesting. Good Omens is a good book. Haven't watched the show myself yet, but from what I remember the Anti-Christ felt like a pretty human character - just a spoiled little boy, so it's also interesting that you use him as an example of a non-human character. I'd been writing this poem with the late 2000s in mind, but with hints of a time earlier than that, because Elias to me is someone who feels partly out of place in the modern world, even though he doesn't want to admit it. Thanks for your thoughts!




Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant