Young Writers Society

Hey there! Just a comment balooza comment I'm leaving for ya!

This poem is so interesting - I felt like the vibe I was getting was sort of like reading an ancient parable that you are tasked with discerning meaning from. ! And your description of it in the lit center is super intriguing too - is it really based on a song you can't remember? I could see this poem being kind of neat to format into a spiral because of the "python eats the sun" end-line / theme and the snake image. It's a very mind-turny poem though right from the first image of a fully formed snake emerging from an egg.

The feeling I get from the poem is sort of "something is amiss in this world that is eternally looping around itself / eating itself".

Would love to know more about the inspiration behind it and what you would ID the theme as. The imagery all laces together so neatly and you do a good job of keeping it honed in on this one very compelling story.".

Hi there Lim! I'm here with a review on this very snakey poem!

I should probably be in bed, not writing a review, <.< so apologies in advance if I'm a bit rambling-all-over-the-place.

One of my first impressions, after reading the whole thing through, is that the perspective of the poem shifts quite dramatically from the start to the finish. At the very start the poem is clearly in third person, the snake is being addressed as "it", and there's overall a sense of distance between the reader and the subject of the poem I find. The language is also pretty literal and matter of fact; the poet is just stating logical observations or statements about what the snake is doing, what it looks like.

By the end of the poem, however, we've somehow landed in second person "you" territory and it seems as though the reader has become the snake (or potentially, for all we know, was the snake all along). In terms of language, we end with the very strong statement "The python eats the sun", which seems less literal than earlier than in the poem (and if it's meant to be taken literally, then it's certainly a lot more dramatic than earlier on). There's also an instance of first person language - "wrap us all within" - which makes me wonder who "us" might be? are you breaking the fourth wall and including the narrator/writer as a distinct person in the poem?

Other than that, some other distinctive elements of this poem I noticed right away were 1) line length! and 2) some lovely rhyming.

1) line length: the lines average ~3 or 4 words per line, which is quite short as far as poem lines go and pretty short in comparison to most of your other poems as well I believe. The result is that you have a lot of lines breaking off mid sentence and, even more, mid phrase, which has a really jerky effect. That contrasts the way I'd imagine a snake moving, slithery and subtle sliding movements. I wonder if that contrast between form and content is on purpose? I personally really enjoy it, as it creates an interesting sort of dissonance in my mind as I'm reading.

2) lovely rhyming: "makes / takes", "grooving / move" , "skin / within" -> there's some really fun rhyme and assonance at the end of lines that makes the poem feel a bit more playful. Especially the lines "reptile grooving / on the move"! That line in particular actually makes me physically smile every time I read it c:

All in all this felt like a very playful, wholesome poem to read! It was a quite nice change of pace from all the angsty-type poems I tend to write and immerse myself in. I don't have any solid critiques - I think the poem does exactly what it sets out to do superbly - so have my sleepy musings instead!

Best,
Seirre

Nice rhythm poem! Like a snake.I don’t fear snakes lol.I have characters based on them.But thanks for the warning . I wonder what song it’s based on.When I first read this,I thought that it was about love.Now I think this might be just a trap.The kind of song sung to lure people to their very doom.Well,I hope that you will have a lovely,snake-free day and night.