It's coming...
My hear beat fast, sweat slipping down into my eyes, tears pouring down my cheeks and thudding against the floor. I ran, but his footsteps never seemed to fade.
"Aura, Aura," his voice called.
"NO!" I cried, turning every corner, feet thudding against the ground.
"Aura," he said.
I turned the corner, and thudded against him.
"Aura," he whispered, "It is time."
"No," I clutched my head, dropping to my knees.
"Summer is over."
I screamed.
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there! I decided to stop by and leave a quick review for you
Okay, I love this. I wasn't really sure what to expect going into this, but that ending was delivered vey well. I love how the dialogue and "I screamed" are put on separate lines to really emphasize them. Haha, I really enjoyed this xD I don't have much to say since this is rather short, but I have just a few things to point out!
Somebody already mentioned "hear" should be "heart," but "beat" should be "beats." I also agree that thudding doesn't really work here since tears wouldn't make such a loud sound. Since this is rather short, every single word matters in your story. Therefore, I think you should try to avoid the repetition of "thudding."
I totally understand how you might want to keep this simple, but I think you could use a stronger verb than "said." Hm I don't know, maybe something like: "Aura," he whispered hoarsely, his voice strangling me like vines. Or something like that, idk, I just made that off the top of my head xD
You don't need to capitalize "It."
I feel like this could be a good spot for imagery as well! Was his voice invading you like a parasite? Was the world shaking around you?
I love the ending. Simple and really strikes you. If you added some descriptions in other place, the sudden short sentence would be really cool way to end this story. It would really cut through the reader, if that makes sense.
And that's it! Sorry if this is short, but I don't have much else to add! I really enjoyed this; school just started up for me and a whole bunch of people so I could relate xD I hope this helped!
Thank you for the review!
Hi!
I felt the main character's sorrow at the end of summer.
First off, this piece is extremely relatable.
I couldn't find anything particularly wrong with the writing, but I wanted to point out some instances where you could have used better words:
I think you meant the "heart" instead of "hear."
The word "thudding" seems strange as it is describing tears falling. Tears are not solid, and they don't make a thudding sound. The word "dripping" would be better suited to the sentence.
The word "thudded" seems strange here, too. You could replace the bolded phrase with "plowed into" or "knocked into" for sake of smoothness and variety.
That's all I have.
Keep writing,
Mira
Hey there Horisun! Tuck stopping by for a quick review.
"His voice called" is somewhat redundant. Obviously it's his voice doing the calling, so you don't need to state it twice. "He called" is perfectly sufficient.The first thing I noticed, which is somewhat of a small grammatical nitpick, is that you used the word "thudding" a lot. You can replace some of those instances with "pounding", "hitting", "bumped", "landed on", etc. I would recommend that you only use the word "thudding" once since this is such a short piece.
Another recommendation I have for you is that you make this longer. Usually I tell writers to be as brief as possible, but especially with horror (even though this is humorous), the real horror comes in the details, the thudding of the heart against the chest, the racing pulse, the blood pounding in ears, the creaking floorboards, etc. It would also make this poem more dramatic and raise the suspense, which would in turn make the grand reveal even more dramatic and more of a twist.
I really liked the last two lines. It felt like it concluded the piece well; it delivered the twist ending, and then the final line wrapped it up so it didn't feel like it was lacking. It gave it some finality and brought the final theme of horror to a close. It was really well done!
Hopefully this review was helpful, although I'll admit it was brief. I did my best to give you some valuable feedback that I hope you'll be able to use while you're editing and in your future writing projects. If you have any questions please let me know and I'll be happy to help.
All my best,
Tuck
Helllllo
This reads like a poem, but in a good way. The word 'thud' repeated seemed off, but the end makes it funny, like a lead up to the punch line. In the beginning the word 'ran' also stood out since this is written in past tense. When I write I focus more on the story than proper grammar and what not, so just wanted to point that out if it wasn't intended.
Great story!
AndName
Ya girl Saint1y here to review B)
:
I actually like this. Is it meant to be someone's horror of going back to school?
I like the rhythm of it, how its actually like a scene in a horror movie where they're running away from the ghost or monster.
The only problem I have with this would be that you use the word "thudding" too much. It makes it lose its sense of realism.
Maybe try changing it to 'dripping' or 'sounding' 'hitting'
Just some suggestions.
Apart from that, I really like it.
Keep writing and feel free to drop me a message if you need anything