Hey there! I decided to stop by and leave a quick review for you
Okay, I love this. I wasn't really sure what to expect going into this, but that ending was delivered vey well. I love how the dialogue and "I screamed" are put on separate lines to really emphasize them. Haha, I really enjoyed this xD I don't have much to say since this is rather short, but I have just a few things to point out!
My hear beat fast, sweat slipping down into my eyes, tears pouring down my cheeks and thudding against the floor.
Somebody already mentioned "hear" should be "heart," but "beat" should be "beats." I also agree that thudding doesn't really work here since tears wouldn't make such a loud sound. Since this is rather short, every single word matters in your story. Therefore, I think you should try to avoid the repetition of "thudding."
"Aura," he said.
I totally understand how you might want to keep this simple, but I think you could use a stronger verb than "said." Hm I don't know, maybe something like: "Aura," he whispered hoarsely, his voice strangling me like vines. Or something like that, idk, I just made that off the top of my head xD
"Aura," he whispered, "It is time."
You don't need to capitalize "It."
"No," I clutched my head, dropping to my knees.
I feel like this could be a good spot for imagery as well! Was his voice invading you like a parasite? Was the world shaking around you?
I screamed.
I love the ending. Simple and really strikes you. If you added some descriptions in other place, the sudden short sentence would be really cool way to end this story. It would really cut through the reader, if that makes sense.
And that's it! Sorry if this is short, but I don't have much else to add! I really enjoyed this; school just started up for me and a whole bunch of people so I could relate xD I hope this helped!
Points: 29825
Reviews: 465
Donate