Young Writers Society

I like how winding this poem is Holy! I see you already have a few great reviews, so I won't go around repeating them, but I did want to say I like how the imagery and metaphors like swirl around each other. Leaping from image to image but not in a random way. The tone is very anticipatory like something's going to happen, just wait and see. And then excellent use of "catacomb" in the last line. Yep, just leaving this as a comment, because I just wanted to mention I like this poem!

Aww, why doesn't this have more reviews?

Yeah, I love this poem. The cadence and rhythm is just so smooth, especially in the ending lines. That repetition is executed perfectly, adding nicely to the chilling image of throwing a stone into a cave/catacomb. Honestly, as I was peeking at this poem, the ending caught my attention enough to make me want to read the whole thing. That's not to say the beginning is weak, though. The opening question gives the audience a great sense of curiosity. Who is this "she", and what kind of mess did she leave the other person ("you")? Those driving questions pull the audience forward nicely, leading them into the rest of this fantastic poem. I'm probably totally wrong in my interpretation here, but I can't help but think of "she" in terms of a seductress or a fleeting romance. It's likely in the line "when the stars spat a stereotype", and the descriptions of the coffee pot (easily a metaphor for energy and spirit) that make me assume the other person's strong love for this "she", as amplified by the emotions combining with memories of love. In contrast, after reading the mentioning of the falling heart at the opening, and the warning conveyed in the final two lines, I can't help but think of "she" in terms of a black widow, having much less than altruistic intentions in this romance. It could be that the narrator is commenting on the danger of the relationship, and perhaps may have been the one who offered (successful) warnings in the past. That's just my thoughts, anyhow.

Of course, based on your response to Rydia's review, it could just as easily be interpreted as someone crushing on someone else and being deathly frightened and helpless by the emotions involved. The opening line can then be looked at as more sarcastic, assuming that the other person has an unrequited love for "she" (so it's like "since when has she ever noticed you?"/"when has ever given you a sense of love?", to which the response is that one time when the other person was crushing on her deeply), and it actually lends somethings of a comic air to the poem. Nevertheless, it's also sad, as the other person is frustrated and confused, idealizing love in an almost stereotypical way, and afraid to reach any farther for causing the death of the relationship (in the way that things only look perfect at a distance). Either way, this poem is remarkable, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Well done!

Hi Holy, thought I'd take a look at this!

Specifics

1. The first line isn't the strongest introduction. I think it's because it doesn't have a poetical flow and instead reads like a line of prose so it doesn't pull the reader into the poem. Here ar a few ideas of how you could make it more interesting:

When was a falling heart
last entrusted to you?

When was the last time, heart falling,
she trusted her love in you?

2. There needs to be a full pause somewhere in the middle so the reader knows they can stop ad get their breath back. This is too long to be read/ said in one go.

3. I think 'into' should be on the same line as 'the catacomb'.

Overall

So I'm not sure that there's a lot of unique imagery or story here and that's a shame because there are some parts which are really pretty - for example, the sediment whirlwind at the bottom of the coffee pot stuck out to me and I liked the last four lines a lot, but I wanted to see more imagery and more expansion before that. At the moment, the poem focuses on just telling the reader/ this unknown persona that they should give love a chance but there aren't enough examples of why - what could happen if we were to take that step? Why should we dare it? I'm not one hundred percent certain I've interpreted that imperative right but it seems to be the only command in the poem and I'm not sure that the reader is given a reason to follow it?

I hope that gives you a few things to think on and thanks for the read!

~Heather

Well hello there, Holly! This is Kays here dropping in for a review on this lovely Monday morning in the spirit of Review Week because the Green Room is looking to be a little more full than yesterday which I'm quite happy about. With that being said, let's cut to the chase and begin, shall we?

I can see that this poem ends up being a hit-the-target-and-go type of situation because this ends up being rather minimalist and takes the approach of having that second part (or the majority of the poem, rather) after the first question is introduced dragging on for quite a bit. For the sake of the reader I'd suggest playing around with the flow and this isn't to say there isn't a flow because to the part about swirling in the sediment (I learned that sediment isn't only particles that came from rocks today that settle--I guess I figured that all along and already knew that but I've never seen the word used in terms of the coffee pot so that's an interesting mix-up.

I'd suggest cutting off there and putting a period and picking up with 'the' instead of where we would pick up if nothing else was altered since the 'like' wouldn't be necessary to begin the line. The rest of the poem at that point wouldn't need editing for punctuation? I'm alright with the dash being the divider between those two lines and the rest of the poem because the end of this works as this is. Moving off of my critiques and moving into my praises (I thought I'd save them for last because they always say to save the best for last, hehe).

My overall thoughts on the poem is that other than the flow at points and the style being new (this isn't bad of course, instead I wanted to point out that this is different from your usual poetry in a way and I don't mind, I just think it needs a little refining to focus more on imagery instead of words like 'promiscuous' if you know what I mean) that this is pretty solid and hard-hitting! Back to the style for a moment--pretty words are great and strong vocabularies are great but they're not equal to great and/or strong imagery. The transitioning between the first and second lines is a little awkward so I'd work on that but again, overall, I quite enjoyed this from you, Holly! Nice job.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.